The one thing that has kept me going for the longest time has been schoolwork. I am a senior in college, graduating in May and wondering what will help me survive after that. I’m good at schoolwork. I’m smart. Not to sound arrogant, but I know what to do to get good grades, and I love to learn. When everything else is fucked up, as it often is, knowing that I can get something right is what keeps me alive. Now, it’s nearly over, and in all that handwork and all that knowledge gathering, I have no career prospects. Nothing that I’m particularly good at. Nothing that I could use to make a difference in the world. Don’t get me wrong, I’m quite thankful for the opportunity to get an awesome education, and I know there are so many who don’t have all the tools that I have to succeed in the world. But what good are the tools if the person meant to use them is too fucked up?
I don’t deserve all that I have. I deserve to feel so worthless and empty. I deserve the endless pain. I deserve to be punished. I don’t really want to die. I just want to be someone else. Someone worth all that she has. Someone who has the ability to help others instead of being downright selfish and helpless herself. I can’t stop thinking. I can’t concentrate on my work, haven’t been able to for weeks. I know what needs done, but I can’t shake the feeling that I should probably be planning my suicide. It’s the only option at this point. Can’t shake the realization that I’m beyond help. Forever in darkness. And who the fuck cares anyhow? There are maybe two people at this college who would give a fuck if I died–my roommate and my counselor. I try so hard, and still, no one cares. And no one at home has a clue that I’ve struggled with depression, self-injury, suicide…for years, and nobody knows. They don’t know I’ve been in counseling for two years. They would be so confused and pissed off if I died. But I don’t know that they’d miss me. They don’t really know me. They’d miss the girl on the pedestal. The one I can’t live up to. The one I can’t go home and be, because I was never her. Better to die now before they realize who I really am.
No one fucking cares, and it scares me that I don’t think I do either.
4 comments
Hey. I don’t have any tips for you. But I want you to know – I feel exactly the same way. I’m in law school, not undergrad, but I’ve felt that way for ~15 years. I can’t say that tomorrow will be better, or you’ll hit a moment where everything makes sense, because that’s what I’m still hoping for. But you’re not alone. I don’t know if that helps.
And more people would miss you than you think. Real you. Not girl-on-the-pedestal you. Because I run through that calculus too. And it is more, not less.
I can’t tell you what to do – I’m hardly in any position to do so given the fact that I’ve got the implements for my plan in my closet – and I can’t tell you it gets better, because I’m still hoping that it does.
But you aren’t alone. I can’t tell you how much your post resonated with me. You are not alone.
If you want to talk (like I said, I can’t help, but I can commiserate) you can email me at crzywriter@yahoo.com
You don’t deserve to feel worthless. You don’t deserve any pain or punishment.
You haven’t done anything wrong and you’re not a selfish person.
I’m sure that you’ll find something you can do later on, and if you wish i’m sure you’ll be able to find your way to help others out.
You’re not beyond help.
I’m sure they would care and miss you more than you know, but sometimes dealing with or understanding others and their ways of showing they care is pretty tricky, especially with family.
You don’t have to be what they want you to be, insted focus on who you want to be yourself.
The key sentence in your very detailed post is this: “I don’t really want to die.” It all starts there. Read that over and over. It’s your soul speaking to you. Your will to live is still intact. You can survive this, because you truly want to deep down. If you want to become someone else, then by all means, make it happen. Unfortunately, I don’t know how. You will have to figure that out on your own. As long as you have your will to live, there is hope for survival. Even the ones like me who have lost theirs, realize that. Feeling suicidal and actually wanting to die can be two different things at times.