Hello all. Thank you for listening to me. I just need to get it all out.
I consider myself a lucky man. I’m 20 years old, attending college, with good job prospects ahead of me. I have amazing friends and the best mother and sister a guy could ask for. I like to think that I am a handsome, funny, bright dude-without sounding arrogant or supercilious I believe I have a lot going for me.
I am not particularly unhappy. I just do not want to live anymore. I don’t see the point, quite frankly.
I go to school. Why? To get a good job. Why? To make money. Why? To live comfortably. Why do I desire to live comfortably? Because there is so much bad in the world that being able to live comfortably could shield us from a lot of the bad that exists. But if there is so much negativity, why live at all? So I can put up with the shit that goes on? It seems like killing myself just seems like the better option. When I kill myself, I imagine myself laying down on some sort of bed, with my arms crossed, looking as peaceful as can be. No stress, just eternal tranquility.
The only reason I have not killed myself yet is because whenever I think about it, I envision my mother and my sister (I would feel bad for my friends and imagine it would be difficult for them too, but I specifically envision my mother and my sister) crying hysterically, and my mother in particular not being able to get over it. I never want to hurt them or see them upset, but I don’t want to live anymore.
So, I don’t think I’m really asking anything. I would just like to hear input and your thoughts, if you would be so kind to. Thank you in advance to all who reply, or simply read this and hear my thoughts.