Three weeks ago, I posted what I had hoped was the last thing I’d ever write. Fast forward three weeks and I am still here, afraid to kill myself. I know how I want to do it, I know what needs to be done to end it. I’ve lost my girlfriend, distanced myself from friends and family as much as possible, written my notes, everything is in order. Despite all these things, I am still so afraid to attempt suicide again because I am afraid to fail for a second time. I ask myself every day why I am here, why I allow myself to suffer, why I can’t end the pain and let it all go. What is keeping me here? Maybe I just deserve all the suffering. Let’s hope that I can finally end my existence on my birthday this Saturday, so any of my family and friends who still care (I hope none of them) will only have one day each year to be sad. I will not say good bye because I’ll probably panic and back out again, but I will apologize for my complaining. Enjoy your weekend everyone and thank you for taking the time to read this.
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3 comments
i hear you bro, i am in the same boat, too chickenshit to do what needs to be done. Every second that passes by , my heart and brain feels like they would explode… hope u find ur peace
Ya don’t worry about being a coward-we all are, that’s why we’re still here. Seriously-haven’t we all had that one incident, one event in our entire lives where if suicide was easy, we would’ve done it already? Ya I’m sure. I’d say I had at least a few such moments-but unfortunately wishing one was dead is a far cry from making it happen.
I’ve had to dig myself out of some deep dark holes for the same reason. The trouble is my life right now is a bit too ‘normal’ that I’m just not very motivated to seriously find a way to end my life, even I hate living sometimes.
I just can’t believe how good I had it in my high school and university days…how many things I wanted just fell into my lap and now in my 40s I get nothing but misery and bullshit to deal with. That world which I thought would never change is now gone forever, along with the great opportunities I once had. I made so many stupid mistakes, I was so caught up in my own little headspace, till I finally woke up.
I won’t wish you luck-I don’t want to be seen as encouraging you somehow, if you do pull it off. I’ll probably be around for a few more years at least…but I don’t think I’m going to let this “experiment” run too long. One should bow out gracefully when that time comes. I hate old people who stick around being a burden on others…they should have the common sense to know when to leave. Ok enough babbling from me-good day.
I hear you loud and clear. I’m going through the same thing. I have come to the conclusion that for some of us, it takes longer to get it done. Some people can do it on impulse. Some need more time.
Same as you, every day that goes by I feel like my heart is going to explode from all the pain and anguish. Yet, in the last two weeks I have backed out twice. I just think it’s just a matter of time before I’m able to do it.
At that point, all I can wish for is success.