For the past 3-4 years of my life, I have urged to become special! I’m not talking about any normal kind of special, I have watched a lot of TV programs and Anime in my life and the characters I see in front of me have these amazing gifts, It fills them with the confidence I wish I had!
I wake up in the morning and the first thing I do is try and conjure up a fireball, pathetic right? I just feel like if I managed to do it then I would feel special, If I could perform real magic then I would be the happiest person on the planet! I know this will never happen, I know that It will never happen, which is why I wish that I could just vanish!
I don’t want to “Die”, well at least not by my own doing, I imagine my mum coming into my room in the morning to wake me up to see me lying dead on the floor, or hung up by a noose! I don’t think I could put her through that, I wouldn’t be too upset if I died for a noble reason, like saving someones life, that way at least my death would bring life to another, and I would finally be special in someones eyes!
To give you an insight into my life at the moment, I am 16 years old, Currently a year 12 and probably about to fail my current year and retake, I don’t really have a social life, I sit at home and watch Anime or play video games with my friends! I am currently facing the possibility of diabetes but I’m too scared to go and get myself tested because I fear that If I am diabetic that I will immediately take my life, I see these good looking people everyday, who look as if they don’t have a care in the world, they go out with each other and have a good time! I do this sometimes, but to be honest its a rare occurrence!
I think I would be happy with my life if I was given £15 million and I could buy a apartment and live out the rest of my life by myself, I don’t need anyone in my life, I’m 100% fine having friends online that I can chat with, but I have some problems with my “Dream Life”! The first problem of course, Is my family, I’m always pressured to going to family social events and I know if I tried to cut myself off from them they would force me to return to their inner circle, Though I could just move to another country, it would pose as a good defensive mechanism! The second problem is that I don’t have £15 million to do this! I don’t want to earn It in a manner such as getting really good grades and working my ass off to earn the money! I would much rather take the easy route, Either by someone giving me the money or by going into the entertainment industry, Such as being a Youtuber or a Twitch Streamer, Though everyone else also shares this same ambition!
I really don’t know what to do with myself, I’m too scared to take my own life, In my crazy day dreams I have obtained these amazing powers, Enough to wipe out any difficulty life throws at me, I would be a thin guy who wasn’t socially awkward and have no family members to worry about! I would have a small circle off loyal friends who also possess powers and we would tour the world, with not a care in the world! My “Dream Life” and the one I wish I could have if I had these amazing gifts are completely different aren’t they? But I believe that If I killed myself then maybe In the afterlife I could choose to live the life I always wanted for myself! I don’t know If I should wait out my life and wait for me to die on natural causes or to take my life now and have a chance (A Slim Chance) to live the life I always wanted!
I’m faced with quite the predicament!