I’ve been having thoughts of ending my life. Again. Nothing is gray though. Everything is just mediocre. My life, my emotions, my future. I don’t want it. I want to feel like in the movies. It sounds weird but they’ve got color, emotions, people who fight for it and win. I’ve been fighting for a long time to better myself, but it hasn’t been working.
The crazy thing is that I envy the disorders that prevent empathy or feeling. I catch myself wanting to not feel at all, especially when my life is going to the shit bucket. I’ve tried porn, sex, drugs, booze, but they barely work and leaves me tormented the next day… And now my mind is telling me death is the only way to really stop feeling the pain.
Please tell me this makes sense. I basically want to die because life is hard.
4 comments
It makes sense your not alone on the feeling but what doesn’t is what caused you to feel this way, since we don’t know.. I’d like to hear about it. But if talking isn’t something u want to do, that’s okay.. I hope things get better for you I know you may not want to hear that, but I do. Someone that has been fighting for a better life for so long like you definitely deserves too be here to enjoy it.
I happen to believe people who have colour, people who are winning are just fooling themselves. Movies aren’t real. Happy endings are rare. Mostly people get hurt until their bodies and minds can’t take anymore -then they die. I’m sick from the world. My body is in constant pain from all the abuse. I’m having an operation… I am hoping it will end my pysical pain, but what’s in my mind will have to stay.
I don’t want fake smiles and colour. I want black and white. It seems more real. I guess I’m hoping to find someone willing to sit down and watch the world pass us by. Someone I can cry on and laugh with, but I’ll leave the flash car big house and fake smiles for someone else…. I just want freedom to be who I am.
All I can say to you is… If you’re unhappy with life, change it. Its a big world out there… Explore it -you might find yourself enjoying the ride.
yeah it all makes sense. I also wants to become like that central character in the movies, poems or novels.
You know who the main protagonist is in the movie your watching all day?
Its YOU!!!
Realising who you are and what you want from life, what is important and not, helps to live the life you want to and remember: life is a journey not a destination. Happiness derives from you being able to always choose the rout that leads to your happiness.
Hope I’m not talking shit. I only wish to help you because your worth it.
By the way, your born 1994? I’m 1995^^
Best wishes
radiantlight