I have this friend, who I will call L for privacy reasons, that really looks up to me for whatever reason. I’m a senior, and she’s a freshman, so I guess that might be why, but she said something today that really struck a chord in me. I go to a vocational-technical school, I’m in Baking and she’s in Drama. Whenever she performs she dedicates her performance to someone she cares about. Not some friend that lets her borrow their homework, no. Someone she truly cares for. Performing for someone, even if the person isn’t there, helps her do better and motivates her to try her hardest.
She told me today that she was dedicating her performance tonight to me. And I was simultaneously overjoyed and suddenly depressed. Overjoyed because I’m glad that someone cares about me. Suddenly depressed because I’m honestly such a disappointment, I wish she didn’t care about me. She’s so positive and full of life, I don’t want to bring her down with me. She’s so easily affected by tragedies that have nothing to do with her, so when I finally fucking kick the bucket, she’ll probably be devastated. And I feel so fucking selfish because knowing that me killing myself would hurt her deeply doesn’t make me want to stay alive. If anything, it makes me want to do it sooner because I’m not worth her tears.
Anyway, I really hope she does well tonight. She probably will, she tries so hard. In other news, I have six pages of my short story done and plan to have six more done by the end of the night.
1 comment
I am familiar with that juxtaposition of overjoy and depression. Maybe she feels a slight inkling to the way you do. I have often found those that like me share some kind of similarity. Or perhaps she just likes you… I wish you well.