Hi. I’m Frank. Well, not really Frank. My real name is incredibly far from what my screen name suggests however, it is true of myself. I am honest and I am a writer. Before I go any further, I might as well mention that I have a degree in Psychology. Isn’t that lovely? I do not want anybody’s sympathy, I do not want anybody’s feedback, I merely am here to put the priper thoughts in its proper place.
I guess you can say that I have no right to be depressed or suicidal. Well, you’re right. I should be an advocate of good mental health or someone who hosts a proper mental hygiene. In fact, I am. I am what you can call a ‘natural’ at my profession. You can place me anywhere regarding my selected major and I can perform efficiently, and perhaps even more as I have spent years honing several skills not related to my chosen profession. I can make people feel at ease, I was told that I have a good clinical eye, I can be a bit austere and useful in the workplace, I write at a good level for academic or technical research. I look pretty okay from the outside, I look like someone of my profession especially at a professional setting. I am a good fit for my course but after learning a lot about Psychology, I found out I am not. Mainly because I have tried to end my mortal existence which was rather unfortunate for me. I hated the fact that I survived despite the serious consequences I had achieved. So, here I am, tackling everyday with the shadow of suicidal thoughts following me everywhere. The best thing about it is nobody knows – except for a really few who are thousands of miles away from me.
In fact, I have no reason to be suicidal. I have a job, a good degree, a loving family, a very promising future and friends that are actually real and who I can call at practically any time of the day. I am not stupid and I am not a talentless idiot either. Yet, for some reason, I hate myself. I hate myself with every fiber of my being. Being good enough never was good enough. People always sought to change something in me, as I do. I am horribly unattractive and I have equated looks to worth. And please don’t say bullshit stuff on me. I despise those. I will never fulfill my biological purpose of reproduction because of what I look like so that’s already a no-go zone for me to try to find what the purpose of my life is.
Well, it really is bot the purpose of life i am worrying about. Like I said, I am highly efficient therefore very useful. I don’t like the world. I don’t like the injustice, the hate, the bloodshed and most of all, the lies. I hate feeling so helpless and hopeless and so powerless and irrelevant to change the world for the better. So, I might as well quit. I hate myself and I hate the world.
Given my background, I know more than most about suicide. The first one was rather impromptu because all things fell down on me at once. I found out the guy I was dating likes my engaged bestfriend, the man I referred to as a brother and bestfriend suddenly left without a word and I had some extra cash that day that I decided to use for self-destruction. Anyway’ that was the unplanned one. The planned one, however, would involve an incredibly successful me after 15 years where I make enough money to ensure my family’s financial security for decades to come then I leave the world – in my own terms, before reaching 35. That’s the plan I have and it is slowly falling into place. I care not for myself anymore. I merely am existing and not living. Reason why I am doing what I am right now is because I live so others can have better lives than I do. I’m pressuring and bettering myself for the benefit of the people i love and the people that surround me. That’s why i am existing. But that doesn’t mean I love my life. I detest myself more than anything else in the world for being this fat, ugly and flawed human that I am.
I am far from ever trying to love life as I quit on it eight years ago. I am far from saving as well because never will I ever seek help as it would jeopardize my future career. I have given up on hope and faith as they never served me any good. Most of all, I have given up on myself. No one wants me, so why should I?
If you are reading this, please do not go the same way I would be. Please do not end your life. You are too precious, and almost miraculous. I told myself that, if I can, I’d try to save a stranger’s life. So, please save yourself from this depressive misery because whatever it is I am feeling right now is worse than I can even wish for my enemy. I am one lonely and helpless buffoon’ and you aren’t. My circumstances aren’t yours. You can try and change that. I wold extend my help, if necessary and possible.
Sorry for the senseless rant. Please try to have a good day.
UPDATE: I sounded a bit boastful. I am not nor did I intend to be. I am just stating whatever was in my head and reasons why I shouldn’t be suicidal. Also, I didn’t want to compromise my anonymity so I tried to be vague. Anyway, I haven’t really told any reason that led to me being suicidal. It was the common, cliche causes: bad childhood, loss of a loved one, bad financial status, bullying, dealing with self-image issues and other comorbid mental diseases.
23 comments
So you are convinced that you are worthless and beyond help. I can accept that. But you also say that the rest of us can be saved. That we shouldn’t follow the same path as you. That I can’t accept.
As you pointed out, every situation is unique. So why make a blanket statement like that? Maybe some of us have just as much intent and reason to end it all as you do.
I appreciate your willingness to help others. To me that would be reason enough to want to survive. If I was of any use at all, I think that would give me enough reason to reconsider.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you nothing but success.
Then give yourself a reason to live. That’s why I ended my note that way is because I view my life inferior to others therefore nobody deserves to die, especially if they can be helped.
In my opinion you can’t give yourself a reason to live. Life gives you reasons to live. And mine were taken away.
If you hate lies, then perhaps the profession of psychology, which is unbelievably full of bullshit, might be contributing to your self hatred. Anyway, sorry for the pain and loneliness you are feeling.
Psychology is as useful as any field in science. It is a science that’s horribly misunderstood by many. From your office or school to your local supermarket, psychology is used.
I have hated myself before I have finished my degree.
Are you circumcised? If so, it’s probably that. Circumcision removes the one good thing life can give you–sexual pleasure. No wonder depression and suicide is so common in men, who have no right to genital integrity. Circumcision removes lust and excitement because it’s stripping the penis of all those tingly, exquisite feelings that give men the motivation to approach women and to be successful to attract them.
Women have many more rights and privileges than men in the Western world and yet they still pretend they’re oppressed. More and more men–particularly white men–are opting out of society because they are mocked, discriminated against and treated with contempt.
Hm, reminds me of people who are anti.-Zionist. I don’t think circumcision can affect, whether by increasing or decreasing sexual pleasures, a man’s performance of any kind.
Well considering the foreskin has been proven to be the tissue where almost all sexual sensation comes from, cutting it off obviously causes sexual dysfunction, by definition. If you can’t see that this is going to impair a male’s sexual performance and pleasure, then I take it you think female circumcision isn’t problematic either.
Oh wait …. that’s “different” because …. vagina.
Whatever a man chooses to do with his penis is none of my business and never is or was the point of my topic on this post.
what
You’ve forced yourself into functionality for years, for the benefit of others? Cool.
I’m not sure that having “a reason” or “a right” to be suicidal is all that relevant. Do you have a reason or a right to exist in the first place?
Well, thanks for posting.
You’re right. I didn’t choose to exist. My parents made that decision for me. I think my parents made a bad decision to bring me to earth and now I am suffering the consequences of living this life.
Sometimes I blame my parents for bringing kids into the world when they both had a family history of depression. Other times I fear that I chose to be here for some reason, and that it’s my duty to see my life through.
But ultimately it doesn’t matter all that much. My heart says, “this place sucks” and my mind says, “but you’ll hurt people if you go, and you might even get judged for it”. And that’s that. Do a crappy thing, or continue on and try to not suffer too much.
I like you frank.
I might like you back.
Love triangle? Sweet.
Also in the psychology field. And I personally do not see it as a field of lies although I guess it depends on the people working ethically or not.
I can see my life as having worth, due to what I do. But for myself life is empty, mostly.
I can’t redeem people. I can’t stop people from killing themselves. Maybe it is about respect? But I true and understand where they are.
I am sorry that you find life so horrible. That life has treated you unkindly.
would like to chat more
Hello there, queer. That’s a good way to put it in words, I do see my life empty as well. And I do not know where we can possibly chat with anonymity or leave private messages with each other.
What was the deciding factor that made you quit on life ? Just woke up one day and said I cant take these issues anymore ?
You can put it that way. Years after years of unfortunate things, losses, frustrations and so forth made me think that I’d rather be dead.
frank didn’t read it too long but you on line
Why?
You can not commit suicide Frank¡¡¡¡¡
If you feel you have to change the world you have to hold on to it, as painful as it may be. That is the same reason I am still here. Plain and simple; I have to do something to better mankind, and the pain a feel is something I have to endure.
But don´t get me wrong. I want to end my life everyday. It´s crazy. It´s sad, It´s true. I just hang there