Like so many of the posts I read here, I simply don’t know what I hope to get out of wrighting this. Maybe it’s the knowing that unlike your faded and tear staind journal… Someone will see this. Some one might understand. Maybe it’s just satisfying the attention craving victim looking for emotional handouts… Who gives a shit
Unlike so many fellow souls spilling thier hearts out for the faceless masses to see I feel detached from the depression handbook. Aside from mild childhood depression and a exepionaly controling mother I’ve had it ok. Made the journey through highschool with honors and friends. Needed to shape up my life so I ditched the weed and joined the Forces. Set myself a goal I thought to high to reatch and settled in for the ride. Maried my highschool sweetheart. She stayed with me through Afghanistan so we bought a nice little house and now I have a 2 year old daughter. I achieved personal and professional success. Reached the goal I thought was impossible. Now I’ve gone as high and as hard as I’ve ever wanted to go.
And I will kill myself.
Perspective is a *****. You may think you want the success, the life, the wife, the family… But the reason I will put 180 grains of high velocity metal through my own skull this time is that it’s all relative.
I have always hated myself. I have piled success upon success to try and prove to myself I’m worth a damn. Not to anyone else, but to myself. I’ve always known I was doing this all for the wrong reasons. And after the dust has settled and here I stand, the adult I have tried so hard to be…. I can think of nothing but ending it all.
It hurts my brain to be happy. It takes so much hypocrisy and ignorance to love this world we live in. And first you must love yourself.
I have failed. I have lived more then anyone I’ve known. And the lesson I’ve learned is there is no meaning to life except the meaning you create. think of it as a computer game you have the console commands for…. No point. The happiness is found in experiencing the challenges. It is not an end state. And it’s that insurmountable fact that has convinced me that I will never be happy. I no longer wish to expieriance life. It holds no meaning for me.
Maybe I’ll whisper “send it” one last time tonight…
But then I hear my daughter say “Daddy, I miss you!” As I put her to bed and that thin thread of unconditional love holds me here another day. A bulet would be better. This existential death is so slow. I’m dragging the only ones I care about down with me.
It hurts so much to pretend. Please just make it stop.
2 comments
You may not love yourself, but your daughter does. And love is something that one should never throw away. You have to stay strong, if not for you, then for your family.
I’ve been there. Today. See my name? I pretend I can die but I don’t want this to be my last feeling- this hurt and sorrow that has built over the years. Like you, I hate me. It is a complete feeling of all the fears and anxiety and disappointment and pain. Pain that won’t go away. So, then I pretend I can live. Pretend that things will get better but I am doubtful.
I have this good friend. We’ve had a conflict for a very, very long time. I’ve felt this broken relationship- like that of my mother and father- was not fixable. Therefore I am broken and I don’t a life like this but what am I to do?
I can’t die (see above) and I can’t live… the pretending is living.
Then today. I talked to her. We mended the fences and it is okay. Is it perfect? No, but it is better.
Sooooo after? I had been thinking- can’t die with (another) conflict. So, after we worked it out… I thought NOW I can go!!
noo noooo no. I can’t but I can’t stop wishing it so because WHAT am I doing in THIS world? This BROKEN world?
But the world is broken and the only thing I can do is look for one thing that I can do to make the world so so better. Not perfect. Not the whole creation. (WHY not????) And that stinks. BUT it is better than nothing.
What I am saying is there are a lot of people who feel like you do about this world. And that all the effort to get where we’ve thought we wanted to go is not worth it.
But the truth is, it is worth it for YOU. That is your real goal. To learn to love you. You are too important not to love you. You haven’t come to this conclusion because you’ve been taught otherwise. You’ve had people, close people who reinforced (even though I’d bet they didn’t even know they did) the negative side of you (we all have one) and that stuck with you. You worked hard to overcome it. And if you weren’t so self-aware that would have been enough.
The hard work is now. With YOU. And Me too. I have my work cut out to start believing in me. If not me, then who? (or whom??!)
Your quote: “And the lesson I’ve learned is there is no meaning to life except the meaning you create.”
SO true! Listen for a minute to the life meaning you’re choosing. That life is about your hating yourself and the challenge of getting through things, not enjoying the results.
And the results you have? Your wife. Your daughter. But they are not just results of your hard work, of your reaching higher than you thought you could go. They are challenges- challenge to love them, challenge to take care of them- esp your daughter. Would you teach your daughter she is valuable? Of course. So, how about yourself? You are so valuable. You are one of the two most valuable people in her life. When you take care of you, you are helping to give her an example of taking care of herself.
And this is your biggest challenge- your challenge to love you. You are a loving, kind man behind all of your struggles and pain. I can see it! We are not just our words, thoughts. We are a soul who deserves to be loved and to love him/herself.
Your real challenge in this life is getting to know the man that your wife sees, and your child loves.
This is long. This is for me as well as you. But I hope it helps. I hope you start seeing yourself in a new light. 🙂