It was an irritating morning, upset stomach and mind full of dreams. it was somewhere back to 2014, 12th grader, happily passed harsh teenage years, I was never anything special – in my own special way. Didn’t achieve too much, didn’t succeed at everything – “blank normal”.
“BACK in those days” :
I had my own problems: my dad wasn’t supportive or even “there”, even tho all allong he was 20 km away from me. Didn’t look good, was sick with horrible sickness, couldn’t find love, didn’t had time to go out with friends. Had avg grades even if I tried to get better. argh…. Regular […]
Drink enough gold schlager you can too.
All jokes aside. I don’t drink. Read this in an optimistic tone: things suck right now. They’ve sucked for awhile. Maybe they always will. Who knows? You surely don’t. If you’re the religious type, Bible says path to heaven is narrow and hard to find. Not sure that’s my flavor. Point is, living a good fulfilling life is hard as fuck.
I see a lot of people ask, I’ve asked myself even, why bother? Why not? See you and I , we’re the same. Everyday, we stare death in his face and say “fuck you! Bring it knob gobbler!” […]
So I know I want to be done, I just can’t go on anymore, but I’ve been stuck on the best way to go through with it.
First thought was just a knife stab to the chest. But that’d be very painful, and to increase likelihood of success is have to remove the knife post-stab, which I just don’t know how that would go down.
Then I thought about gas. Helium or ********. Wearing one of the nose/mouth masks carpenters wear, sticking a tube in it with duct tape eliminating gaps with the hose attached to a tank of helium/********.
Would this work?
As always, I’ve been thinking too much. If I didn’t think as much and as deeply as I do I’m certain I wouldn’t be suicidal and I’d be a much happier person. But I can see the truth about myself and it’s going to make me kill me.
I used to be better than this. I’ve been slowly declining over several years but it was only a little over a year ago when I started to realize there was a time limit on my facade of success. It has been a torturously slow spiral but sometimes I can feel the way it will speed up until I […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
It’s been a while since I posted here, but I just wanted to let you know how I’ve been doing.
You may remember a post that I put up in October called ‘About a Girl’?
Well, it turns out that this girl I’ve liked since September likes me back, and it’s one of the best feelings ever.
We’ve been on a date, and we have another one planned for this weekend. So yeah, I’m pretty happy about it.
It’s just nice to know that someone sees me as a nice person, especially when I can’t see it myself, and it’s been really nice […]
would it be so bad if I committed to an attempt? I feel so shit all the time and it’s stuff that has been present all my life, it’s something that I know isn’t going to improve to normal levels. For example I’ve always been cynical, now I’m super cynical but I don’t see myself becoming someone who just isn’t cynical. Oh sure it can get better but it will always be there and it’s going to eventually cause me to fall down again
So would it be bad if I just make an attempt?
And what if it’s someone that I know has a high success […]
I have no hope for anything anymore, why should I keep living? I just want a reason to still be alive.
I struggle in school. After I messed up kept failing classes and failing a whole semester, it’s going to take forever for me to graduate.
Interpersonal relationships always seem to fail in some way or another, most people seem to want to take advantage of me, and leave eventually. Not to mention that I’m ugly and unlovable, so no one cares about me. I just let everyone down and disappoint them.
My father hates me so much, he changed his will to replace me with my cousins […]
…about the day I came upon this website here. I think it was the beginning of August this year when I found it. No big deal, I just stumbled into it, right? End of story.
But what lead me to “stumble” into this place? Well, I was seeing if I could Google a surefire way to kill myself, then this website popped up.
Just that… it hit me pretty hard. I was so dedicated to finding something to finish me, I would’ve done anything I found that had a decent success rate.
I still have issues, but I’m alive because of you guys. Essentially, this website and everyone here […]
I have an informant down in some unknown shanty town and she disclosed Depression’s exact location. Now I know where this dude called depression lives. My informant told me that he’s this creepy guy who works as a crypt caretaker at the local church.
Before trapping his victims late at night, he patronizes this one makeshift brothel in the town where my informant occasionally serves as a dominatrix. Now I am hatching a plan to kill this fucker and end him once and for all. He lives in some shack sequestered away in swampland somewhere at the fringes of this town. All I need is a […]
“What keeps you from cutting?”
This question was posed upon me by my therapist recently. My answer was that I want success more than I want momentary relief from psychological pain….
So it’s just not worth it to cut anymore. Also I haven’t yet admitted to the frequency and intensity of suicidal ideation I’ve been enduring since we started talking about “what happened”. I don’t like talking about my uncle and the incest, it hurts me deep inside. I feel like I’m bleeding internally but when I vomit up my anxiety it is nothing but acrid yellow phlegm. I essentially want to rid myself of these demons […]
I’ve always had a theory. Our lives comprises of mainly two distinct aspects, “professional” and “personal” and we’ll need either of the two to at least find a reason to survive. Well, I got none at this point. I’m neither a person with an an amazing career worthy of mention or a perfectly polished personality nor am I a happy unicorn with a handful of moments to remember when I die. I feel I’m the poorest among billions of souls in this world right now.I’m scattered in pieces searching for my identity and I feel I’m doing some kind of favor to the world by […]
You never let me do anything. You “said” you always wanted me to “grow as a person” but whenever I didn’t do exactly what you wanted, you hit me. You starved me for days without food, and called me names nobody should ever be called. You measured love by success and trophies, and made sure to cover up all my bruises before a competition. You stole my glory from me. My victories were never MY victories, whenever you talked to admiring parents, they became YOUR victories that I had gained because of you. While enduring this, the flute became my only friend. Well you know […]
Its been a while since I thought about suicide. I had a panic the other day tho. I went and got some help in july. Went to this psychiatrist and got some ativan for anxiety and he gave me welbutrin for depression. I told him I didn’t feel depressed anymore. Just normal sadness ocassionionly. Lots of anxiety but not the suicidal solution that used to be right there just last year. Idk. I don’t think I’m depressed. The welbutrin doesn’t do shit as far as I can tell and this is like 2 and a half weeks in. I think I have add. I can’t […]
Fuck I feel stuck. It’s a shit feeling after escaping this town for a little while. I’m pretty confused after the NAET treatment. I’m confused in general. trying to keep my spirits up but it’s tough when you’re grieving and processing so many emotions simultaneously. Losing my twin was tough. Part of me hates her because she really fucked with my life hard. Adding tons of gender dysphoria and a sense of never being able to be me. I’m still as confused as ever about that but she did a number on me. I try to keep my head up. I know certain emotions pass […]
I have had success but it is all gone. I had love but it is gone. Ive traveled done and seen a lot but none of that is in my future. If the future is merely a shell a hollow existence of mere survival as opposed to living is there any reason to go on?
I’m afraid of my exam. 2 months more. I feel I wanna suicide. I may get bad grades. I’m little weak. If I fail my 1st time advanced exam is that the end of my future success. Please help. I can’t make my parents sad either with my bad grades. I’m suicidal. Your comments are highly appreciated.
Like so many of the posts I read here, I simply don’t know what I hope to get out of wrighting this. Maybe it’s the knowing that unlike your faded and tear staind journal… Someone will see this. Some one might understand. Maybe it’s just satisfying the attention craving victim looking for emotional handouts… Who gives a shit
Unlike so many fellow souls spilling thier hearts out for the faceless masses to see I feel detached from the depression handbook. Aside from mild childhood depression and a exepionaly controling mother I’ve had it ok. Made the journey through highschool with honors and friends. Needed to shape […]
God, you made my soul filthy. That’s why I was inappropriately touched as a kid, that too by parents especially by mom. I am still ashamed about it. Bullied and verbally abused by other kids at School, Colleges and social circle. Now tell me why you made it such a hell?? You made sure I am stuck with my parents and don’t know whether I am made to get married and throw another child into same hell. I was failed academically despite being a good student. Again it’s because my soul is filthy and I don’t deserve success. I am sure you don’t want any […]