It was an irritating morning, upset stomach and mind full of dreams. it was somewhere back to 2014, 12th grader, happily passed harsh teenage years, I was never anything special – in my own special way. Didn’t achieve too much, didn’t succeed at everything – “blank normal”.
“BACK in those days” :
I had my own problems: my dad wasn’t supportive or even “there”, even tho all allong he was 20 km away from me. Didn’t look good, was sick with horrible sickness, couldn’t find love, didn’t had time to go out with friends. Had avg grades even if I tried to get better. argh…. Regular teenage problems, am I right?
However, at 2014, I found myself fighting for my mom’s mental health. I didn’t expected to go on such a mental killing journey. She had suffered PTSD and went through a divorce. I found my self part psychologist, part friend, part parent and one of the main takers of our house and finance. All at age 18.
I wanted to share my burden with close friends, but those have been seen ditching me, each on his own way and reasons, thinking I lost time for them, doing nothing. They didn’t want to listen, and when they did, they could not comprehend. I felt like my pain is so horrible that they don’t even believe I have been through nightmares.
I never been a bad man, all I was seeking most of my life is some parents’ love, and to be raised as a kid – things I never had experienced thru my childhood. Maybe this can explain my “Lone wolf personality” – I live on my own, I feed on my own, but I still fight for everything I want, and keep on walking even when the “weather” is harsh. I manage to gain respect, and find girls that I like, and enjoy sole moments with close friends. Anyhow, I had to be like this in order to survive. And these hard days are yet to be gone. NOTE: my last birthday was forgotten by all of my friends, even most close ones. I guess that is what I get for being quite.
Last month, I celebrated 2 years of walking the “burden highway” – I gained money through hard work, helped my mom A-LOT, did 3 SAT and got to the best uni for engineering. I lost my “love of my life” – she didn’t want me anymore after a freaking week (she got cold feet) , I lost friends – they still like me, but I have lost all trust toward them. I LOST MY SANITY – can’t explain this one anyfurther. I lost my youth, and began feeling much more isolated than I really am. Beside my sole achievements as a young man (own a car, done first semester at uni – B cs EE , does street workout, well fit) I feel so lonely … on the verge of
After surviving few bad grades at Uni, After ignoring the fact that my best friends forgot my birthday, After knowing my (last which I care about) ex gf doesn’t give a fuck about me, After all other shit that happened and I still could operated as a regular human. I went through a breaking point. I thought I was doing well…
And then it happened…
I finished work and felt like I’m ready to kill myself. No real reason why, isn’t that a well known sentence?
I just felt that everything is shit, and that my damaged heart won’t ever heal. I felt that everyting I missed, already had done a hole in my soul, and that it will grow bigger with me growing older. I have already not seen friends for 160+ days, I have not felt free for over than 1000+ days, I have not felt useful for over 5000+ days. I wanted to kill my self.
I guess that seeing my mom again, helped me remembering what I’m fighting for. Because after coming back home, I had it all back together. Back to the acceptance of this shity path of llife, thinking that later on things will take a better turn.
You see? I didn’t had it easy, I “lost” things, and had to put off on social occasions and friendship, and love, and sexual relationships, or just …relationships.. and hobbies for a while… and to live with no money…. but in the end, I have had the best most efficient lessons I could get. I was taught what is tough work, what is university, the burdens upon being a grown man, paying for car’s hold cost, how to choose groceries and how to put up to a tough budget. I learnt how important is to be honest, and straightforward. I learnt how you should find a time for your close friends/family, and how open you should talk when words must be heard. I learned who liked me, and who is a true friend. I learned how to keep my head up and not to drown in rough seas. I learned how to support and how to be supportive. How to talk :
– into close-minded systems (aka banks/schools/healthcare sys’…)
– to women
– to friends
– to strangers
– to under employees
– as a leader
– as a part of a group
I sure did lost my sanity, but I gain more personality in the last 2 years, than I ever would in my whole life with out going through that hell.
Although I’m still having some fantasies about suicide, I keep on my mood up.
I know that staying optimistic is easy when everything at life is good, so I’m going to challenge myself, staying optimistic when everything is rough (like these years).
Personally, I don’t see how I meat new friends, or find a girl that I like. I don’t see a “way out of it”, but I know that things have to change- those are the laws of nature, and if I wait long enough, the right encounter will happen, and the right moment will be there. I will wait, I won’t be broken.
Stay tough, be brave, with regards, Jac.