The music I always loved to hear lost their charm.
The DXM I treated as substitutes for real anti-depressants have lost their appeal.
I no longer linger in anticipation waiting for the next part of the show/comic I follow.
I don’t even feel excited at the prospect of having a family in the future anymore; now it just sickens me knowing that there is a possibility that I may give birth or raise a child that would end up as fucked up as I am. It frightens me that the person I would be with in the future would suffer because of my mental issues.
Besides, if I off myself now, my mom won’t have to pay for any future therapy sessions or for any medications. She won’t have to waste money on sending me to rehab and/or support groups. She won’t have to handle the regular check-ups, the frequent breakdowns, or any of that other shit.
She’d be able to focus on raising my brother, on sending him to college, and on her career. She won’t have to worry about her stubborn teenage daughter who wouldn’t do anything in the house because she was so fucking lazy. She’d have gotten rid of the child who made her want to kill herself multiple times.
This post is a mess. I bet the personal suicide notes I’ve spent months writing (one of them addressing my greatest love, depression) would be twice as messed up as this post is. Anyway, I’m still giving myself a week. Not to find other reasons to live or to regain my grip on my previous ones, but to tie loose ends.
PS I’ve attempted suicide once before, but my a friend ratted me out. I still resent her for telling on me, no matter how good her intentions were. I was so close…
7 comments
I’m really sorry for what you are going through. I just want you to know that you are not alone.
Btw which music you loved?
I’m surprised someone would actually be interested in the music I loved. I loved Blur and Gorillaz, (specifically Damon Albarn), Lana Del Rey, and Eminem. I used to have their songs on repeat all day long; they kept me a little sane.
cool. when I gets very sad, I sometimes listens to music.
Yeah, but there are times wherein not even the loveliest of tunes can heal the loneliest of souls. I hope you’ll always find music helpful; wish you the best.
I don’t listen to music for healing. I listens to sad music because it expresses the feelings and thoughts in a better way.
Yes, I still do that, too. Usually listen to Lana. She embodies emptiness and loneliness quite well.
You as a burden or not, your family and friends want you in their lives. You are meant to live in this world and if you do anything bad, it’s better than having you dead.