I am not fit for this world. my whole life I have been ‘that weird kid’ with maybe one friend at a time. I was never properly integrated into the chaotic social structure inside which resides any and all hope of being happy, and it is because of this that I am approaching the end…
I have been thinking about suicide for as far back as I can remember, but it was only recently that I got serious and began my new hobby of noose-tying. I know a lot of people on here say they are ‘horrible people’ and all that, but for me I think that I am actually seen that way by others and don’t always feel like it. I have not done anything SUPER bad but I am a loner drug addict and I suppose everyone just assumes that its only a matter of time before I do something and go to prison. I have alienated all of my friends and family. The people I work with all look down on me. No matter what I know I am all out of support.
Drugs and alcohol are my downfall. I know this. And yet I can’t stop going to the liquor store. Even when I do manage to stay clean for a while, I am so unhappy that it isn’t even worth it. I can’t get over the social anxiety and depression and everything else long enough to get a grip on sober living.
This part pains me to say but… I am lonely. Somehow I have managed over the years to frequently find girls who would care about me but because I am not a good person, I also do not make a good boyfriend. I feel like if I could just meet the right girl I could turn it all around, but it is most likely a dying light in my darkness. Even though I have matured ten-fold over the last two years I still have nothing to offer any girl who might be interested.
I have stopped caring… I have stopped truly living… So now I only need to make it official. I am not hoping for any kind of miracle, nor am I holding out hope that someone will change my mind. I only post this because I have been browsing a lot and it felt unfair to not have my own, personal story on the site. It would be nice to talk to someone but just to shoot the shit and/or pretend everything is fine. Hopefully I can meet someone on here with whom I can share this final adventure but if not its just nice to read these and know I am not alone…
welcome to my world…
B.