I went back to school today and regretted it immediately upon entering the building. My head hurt, I was nauseous, and I was beyond tired. Within the first hour of school, I could feel myself slipping. I had to go to the bathroom during baking to get myself together and not break down in tears. The worst part is, I don’t even know why I was so upset.
I had my sociology exam, I probably did fine, but it felt like I wasn’t comprehending the questions, my eyes were just reading the words.
In creative writing, my teacher asked if anyone had not started their short story yet. Obviously, everyone has, but because I have my workshop soon he came up and asked if I had mine and if I would share it with him (we use google docs in the class). I had to lie and say it was handwritten and that I’ll type it up over the weekend. How was I supposed to tell him that I haven’t started it yet because I thought I would have killed myself before the deadline? I couldn’t.
I’m still not sure if I’ll be around for the deadline, but I should probably start it just in case.
I don’t really have much to say today, everything is kind of numb. This is sort of turning more into a diary/journal type thing, so whatever.
2 comments
(((Lord-of-the-lamps)))
Listen, I hear you about wanting to die. I feel it too- too deeply at times that I want to scream. But I won’t do that to me. You are young, you have time. I am old, I have time too. Time can go so slowly but don’t let time fool you into thinking it is time. It is not time.
Time to be good to you. Write your story. Use your creativity to distract yourself from those feelings. Don’t think about it, just do it.
Blessings to you. This world is hard. Be kind instead of hard on you.
We’re here for ya. Rant all you want. And start that short story! If your other posts are any indications, even a meager rushed effort will be worth a read.