Wether you like it or not. Your feeling of worthlessness gets stronger by the minute. Everything irritates you event the sound of the Birds Tweeting is just enough. I feel tired just tired and there is nothing that seems to lifts you out of this mood you are in. It is what it is. I am afraid. I am afraid of leaving my sons on their own to fend for themself. Is suicide selfish or is it selfish of those around you that dont understand anything for you to carry on marching on.
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We have discussed this on this forum on multiple occasions. It is certainly one of the most important questions about suicide. Who is selfish? The person who kills themselves leaving loved ones behind? Or the loved ones insisting that the suicidal person stay alive so that they don’t have to mourn their death?
My opinion is that there is selfishness on both sides. Each side has their preference that suits them, and goes directly against the other side. When you have conflict like that, it’s bound to create very strong feelings.
Personally, I’m pretty sure that as much pain as I’m in and as much as I want to end it all, I wouldn’t be able to do it if I had kids in my life. But that is just me. I understand that some have a different view.
I will be posting about my daughter’s birthday in a bit that will shed more light on that.
I believe that we are to search for what our truth is for ourselves, which doesnt leave much room for others, however callus the words sound but, it’s what we are here for, what this whole concept of life was about… but the fact is, this life just isn’t for everyone.
Ask yourself what you truly want to do. This may not be a quick answer and may take time and a lot of research (as it has for me, but I did find my answer)- don’t rush it; however, when you get your answer, be resolved in what you find is best, no matter how scary. As I’ve said in other posts, it takes courage to live miserably (or happy) and it takes courage to die happily.
What I mean is… I’ve never fit in, I have been alone my whole life and all of the knowledge and understanding I’ve learned/searched for has led me to know that I’m just not meant to be here anymore. The sheer incompatibility I feel with this earth at every second of the day is .. I think you may know what I’m talking about.
The point is, I’m resolved in my decision to die… I now have to focus my intent on doing so and allow life to continue around me as it will when I’m gone. The words “be resolved and then focus on what you have decided to do” doesn’t condone neglecting yourself or your loved ones. You should also never allow guilt to make your decisions for you. Ignore guilt. You can leave this life after carefully planning a good strategy that benefits you and your family where they aren’t left in a devastating condition. Death is absolute here on earth, but you’ll see them again in a better place. I call this place home. We all came to this earth from home, and we will go back, sooner or later. It really doesn’t matter if it’s sooner. You have to ask yourself if suffering is what you’d prefer to have courage to do. If so, live your life with that resolve and be as happy as you can when you can.
I’ve worked in professions where people save lives all my life Amd sciety will always be contrary to any association/discussion to death and dying because they THEY have made it an abomination.
The guilt you are feeling about your family is a normal and very good response, but should not be your compass in denying yourself this decision if it’s the best one.
If you truly believe you don’t belong here anymore (and you’re resolved in that being the best decision for you), you need to honor that.
However, if you truly believe you DO belong here/have a purpose, you must honor that as well.
The decision is always for you to make.