ive thought about killing myself for longer than i can remember. the past few years all seem to be terrible and everything goes wrong. im a failure of a person, i have no job, i graduated and haven’t done anything since. i dont have any inspiration to do anything anymore. i’ve been cutting again the past couple of years, and it only escalates, it’s gotten worse instead of getting better.
i found the one person in my life that made me want to live. id spent so long thinking i didnt have a place in the world, that i was meant to die a long time ago, and she finally made me feel like amybe the future wasn’t so bleak. like i wanted to see next year, like i could be alive in ten years, like i could be happy.
but i think she’s done with me. she said last night that she’s done. im just waiting for her to get online again to make my decision. she hasn’t said for sure if we’re over, saying she’s done isn’t the nail in the coffin and im trying to believe that she might not end it for good but it seemed that way.
and if she’s done, i’m done. i can’t do this anymore. i dont want to live anymore, i can barely sit here now and feel any motivtion to do anything. all i can do is research ways to die and wait. i know its wrong to let my life hinge on one person but i have nothing to live for anymore. my family will be fine, i only take up space and use up their money and dont contribute. they’ve already said they hold resentment becuase i dont help out around the house – and i cant blame them, i know i dont. i can’t. i can barely get up some days and i know if i lose this girl, there’s going to be no reason for me to anymore.
i can only hope that i can convince her to stay. i’m holding onto a thread right now and it’s pathetic but that hope is all that’s keeping me alive. i feel so worthless and i know its wrong to put everything on one person but it’s the reality for me, i have nothing to live for. i have no future. i have nothing to look forward to tomorrow, or the next day, i have nothing to look forward to because i know i’ll always wish she would have stayed. i know nobody else will ever make me feel happy, i’ll always have this gnawing feeling.
i don’t know what to do anymore and i’m just sitting here waiting for the time to pass so i can talk to her tonight and make my choice.
2 comments
Hi Blurry
Please try not to hang your hopes or decide your fate based on one person. It is too much power to give someone over your life – in essence – asking them to play a God of sorts. If asked, they would not want to be saddled with that sort of “power.” If you commit suicide based on her decision, it will affect her badly the rest of her life and that is not fair to do to her – or you.
I understand about fucked up families. I am from one and now stuck living in one. But I am an old MF. You said you just graduated so I presume you mean HS? It has got to be tough not working and just graduating. It’s must be the life you surely did not expect, right? So many new graduates feel as you do and the fucking economy bites ass. I feel if you could find a job even if it is not something you are super excited about, you will gain a sense of your self again. A sense of control over your direction rather than giving it to her or your jerk family.
What things have you liked to do or imagined doing before things turned flat black?
I am going to suggest something you don’t want to do – get the fuck up and take a damned walk. Get your head away from this situation for a bit and let go of expectations from others. One thing I learned in this life is that I have myself at the end. I cannot wait or hope for someone else to give a shit because I don’t control them nor would I want to. I can only change myself. That is the cold fact of life – and if you can see that as the truth, then you will feel less out of control and fatalistic.
Look – I been dancing with the suicide beast since I was in college. It never left me for long. Head injury and all kinds of goofy shit landed me into a brain that tells me to exit this place.
I still have to try. Some days the dragon wins. You know that, right – but consider trying to get through this without dying. I won’t talk you out of it – we know that – but wanted to give you an option from an old mother fucker’s perspective.
Ok?
As the above comment says, don’t let her rule your life. There’s always other fish in the sea, your attached to her now, I barely remember my first girlfriend now, and I was attached like glue to her.
As for job, you know if your able..join the Millitary.
Depression will ruin your life if you let it, you have to fight it.