But I changed!!!

6-6-15 12:21 am I changed! I changed everything. I walked out on 20 years. I walked away from what wasn’t healthy for me. I started over. It’s not easy. I have $7 fucking dollars in my account until payday. This is HARD. I am working it out. I am learning who I am. I am trying to be myself for the first time in 20 years. I want to grow. I am open to new things. New flavors. New cities. I will not close off any experience for fear or sameness any more. I will try.
But I want us. It’s really all I’ve ever wanted. It’s why I let go of my life. I can’t go back. But I don’t KNOW if it will work. You said there are others that you’re interested in…as if to keep that door open for you. No commitment. No real hope. Very clearly you will be the friend you’ve been for 22 yrs but you won’t commit to US. You won’t try. I want to try. I have no interest in anything else at all. I want to hope. I want to see your world. Show me. Let me learn. Let me be your shoulder. Let me be the one you depend on. Let’s be the people who have each other’s backs when the shit hits the fan………but…
It’s all in my head, isn’t it? It’s not in yours at all.
It never was.
It’s my dream.
It’s my hope.
It’s my lie.
Charlie. It’s all a dream.

I have no backup plan for the first time in my life.
I am a survivor with no plan for survival. I am surfing the waves with no tether to the board.
I am doomed.
I have done this to myself.
You will fall in love….with someone else….at the most opportune moment; Just like you did 21 yrs ago. Just like you did in the last life.
Unrequited.
My tattoo will say “Unrequited”.
It is all I will keep when I go.
How many lives will you break my heart?
What Dreams May Come.