6-6-15 12:21 am I changed! I changed everything. I walked out on 20 years. I walked away from what wasn’t healthy for me. I started over. It’s not easy. I have $7 fucking dollars in my account until payday. This is HARD. I am working it out. I am learning who I am. I am trying to be myself for the first time in 20 years. I want to grow. I am open to new things. New flavors. New cities. I will not close off any experience for fear or sameness any more. I will try.
But I want us. It’s really all I’ve ever wanted. It’s why I let go of my life. I can’t go back. But I don’t KNOW if it will work. You said there are others that you’re interested in…as if to keep that door open for you. No commitment. No real hope. Very clearly you will be the friend you’ve been for 22 yrs but you won’t commit to US. You won’t try. I want to try. I have no interest in anything else at all. I want to hope. I want to see your world. Show me. Let me learn. Let me be your shoulder. Let me be the one you depend on. Let’s be the people who have each other’s backs when the shit hits the fan………but…
It’s all in my head, isn’t it? It’s not in yours at all.
It never was.
It’s my dream.
It’s my hope.
It’s my lie.
Charlie. It’s all a dream.
I have no backup plan for the first time in my life.
I am a survivor with no plan for survival. I am surfing the waves with no tether to the board.
I am doomed.
I have done this to myself.
You will fall in love….with someone else….at the most opportune moment; Just like you did 21 yrs ago. Just like you did in the last life.
Unrequited.
My tattoo will say “Unrequited”.
It is all I will keep when I go.
How many lives will you break my heart?
What Dreams May Come.
3 comments
Sorry for pain and suffering through this relationship. I’m glad you are living for you. I read your words and I thought, I have to too! I have a very hard time believing I am worth the trouble of living. Where am I going? Who will EVER show up? Never had a relationship. Ever. Feel too old to now. Yet there is a little sliver of hope, somewhere, somehow my struggle will not be for naught.
If I keep going, I have a chance. If I give up, I will have zero zero zero chance.
Stay the path. See yourself as your reason for living. You really are. I am proud you’re farther along than you know. I know the pain of your relationship weighs heavy. Take a break from that when you can.
Best wishes and keep going.
Your love for this person is inspiring yet I’m jealous. I want someone to love me like that. Obsess about me.
I hope you both find true, kind love that is worthy of you. Thank you for your kind words.