I turned 18 June 5th, and I was so ashamed of myself because I never thought I’d make it this far. I thought I’d be dead by now. I know I’m going to die soon, I’m getting too tired too fast and my will to live is almost nonexistent at this point. I’m not going to make it to graduation, but that’s okay, I was just another nameless face in the crowd. I’ve never been anyone special.
I wanted to be someone special, though. I wanted to be some great writer. I had such big ideas and dreams, but my depression killed them a long time ago. But sometimes I can’t help but wonder what it would be like if those dreams came true. I’m just a dumb kid. They never would. But I have nothing to lose by pretending.
A girl who used to be my friend wished me a happy birthday and told me about how I helped her thicken her skin and she admired my courage. It makes me want to laugh because all I ever do is fucking cry and lay in bed, I am the definition of a coward. But nobody knows because I can’t be like that in public. I can’t let other people see me like that.
God, I’m so far gone, I am beyond all help. It’s not even worth the time to try to help me, I just can’t connect with people and push them away. It’s just too late for me. There isn’t any point in going on anyway, I have no future to look forward to. I hate myself so much for this, I can’t believe I let myself become what I am.
Whatever. Nobody cares, anyway. I don’t even care about myself. I guess if you guys are bored, you could read my short story for creative writing. Here’s the link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xrnAfsMYS03hDBdtsr-pkHeaawHFCFQMeh6y-LKXKsI/edit please please please write comments/suggestions. I need all the help I can get, I’m almost finished it. You probably won’t read it, though.
3 comments
Happy late birthday I know it doesn’t mean much but my birthday is soon as well however it’s a very dark day for me my closest “friends” do things without me and don’t even wish me a happy birthday and the only people that do wish me a happy birthday wait until a month later then they say of I forgot but it’s OK if I commit suicide it’ll be on my birthday then they’ll have to remember right? (Sorry for rambling got a lot of fucked up shit going on)
I read your story and enjoyed it. It was quite sad, but engrossing. It was cool how you incorporated the symbolism of the flowers.
If you want to be a professional writer you should definitely go for it. 🙂 Just keep writing and you can try to submit a short story to be published in a magazine, or if you are able to write a whole novel you could try finding an agent, then submit your manuscript to publishing companies. It’s not an impossible dream at all, it just takes lots of work and dedication.
Happy birthday as well. 🙂 18 is a good age, you’re finally an adult. Don’t sell yourself short, either. You have gifts and if you really apply yourself, you’ll have a bright future ahead of you. Think more positively and be open to opportunities. Are you considering attending college/university?
Happy belated birthday. I don’t really know what else to say. I believe that in high school there’s always someone that knows your name or just recognizes your face. There’s an advantage to being 18; you can pretty much do anything since you’re considered an adult. Don’t lose hope. We’re all here for you. I’m here for you.