I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that i’m ready to leave. The only thing that keeps me here is the responsibilities I feel I owe my family. I’m 19 years old, and the only boy in my family. 2 sisters and my single mother. So you can imagine the huge amount of pressure I’m under to succeed. We have always been broke. Growing up my mother had many boyfriends come and go, many of them physically abusive toward her and me. (never my sisters though). As a child growing up I had Enormous potential, I’m extremely intelligent, there’s no denying as I have been told this all my life from extended family, authority figures, and teachers. But I never had the resources to achieve my potential because of the shitty environments that I grew up in.
My family expects A LOT from me, they are very demanding. I do not blame my sisters for being this way, as I know what it’s like to be their ages (8 & 16) and not being able to have shit or afford anything. But they don’t understand that my job is not the greatest and that I really cannot afford to give so much. My mother is the same way, she expects me to find a better job, in order to get our family out of the shit hole that we live in. But they don’t help me at all, and criticize me because they think I’m not putting in enough effort. The weight on my shoulders is too great and I just can’t keep up anymore.
The thing is that most of the problems in my life are, and have always been financial. I think that If maybe my mother had a better paying job, just by a couple of dollars, our lives would’ve been entirely different. There is an easy solution to my problems, and it’s to just wait it out, maybe go to college, get a good job, blah blah blah. But I’ve already reached my breaking point. It just seems so pointless. I don’t want to keep waiting forever. All my life has been struggle and work and school. And that seems to be the future as well if I keep going. 4 more Years of school while I work a full time job. Then work work work after I graduate in order to fulfill the demands of my greedy family.
I don’t really care about my sisters, If I die, they will cry, move on and get over It. I just wonder how my mom will fare. I also wonder If I’m stupid for caring about my mom, because she has been the one to cause most of the pain in our lives. No one made her have 3 kids she couldn’t afford. She brings abusive men into her life that beat her. She never did anything about it when they beat me. So I wonder if she even cared about me at all. But for some reason I still care… Maybe I’m a moma’s boy.
So I just want to know what you think about this situation.
3 comments
You write so well
Honestly, sometimes one can only work so hard. I understand it’s tough, I come from the bottom as well and have it hard, me being an only girl out of 3 older siblings and a single parent (my mother) But I get it completely. You just have to do what’s best, if not for your mother for your little sisters. It’s going to be a lot of work, not going to lie but in the end you are the man of your household pretty much. It’s a jacked up situation, but you have a life and a duty to fulfill in it. Go to college, you’ll have a better chance of getting a good job with a degree. I’m not going to sit here and lie to you; It will be hard, but even though I do not know you, you can do it! I believe in you 150%!
I wish you the best.
-Can’tDrownMyDemons.
Hello,
I was in a pretty similar situation as yours before, with a low income single mother who sent me away to live with an abusive aunt. I was having financial struggles all my adolescent life, and as you said it’s hard to succeed even if you are intelligent when resources are so lacking. I started working when I was 16, and eventually funded my own way out of uni, got gainful employment and started living my dream. Pain might seem to much to bear at times, and darkness seems too long. But have faith that things will get better, if you grit your teeth and hang on. Hang on one day at a time, sometimes just that is good enough. And don’t be shy to seek help, whichever kind you might need. More often than not help was just one request away. I had friends and strangers giving me money in times of dire need…and I had to learn not to be too prideful to accept help.
Learn how to meditate, nothing is more important than a peach of mind, and you have the power to give that to yourself.
One note on family: I eventually cut myself from the toxic part of my family. Your life is yours to live; and theirs are theirs to live. If they fail to make the right choices for their lives, you should not be bearing that consequence. Don’t be afraid, and don’t let anyone get between you and your ideal life.
Lots of encouragement,
vilz