I’ve been dealing with suicidal tendencies since I was in high school. TEN YEARS AGO
Obviously it hasn’t been continuous over those years. There have been days where keeping it a secret is easy and my “happy face” feels normal.
But these thoughts have been VERY strong over the past month of so.
I HATE my job. The people I serve (I work in food service) are RUDE. I’ve been laughed at, sworn at, and just generally treated badly. I serve the same people every day so I’m constantly dealing with it.
I am so unhappy in my apartment. I rent a room and have no say in who I live with. There is one roommate who makes life unbearable at home. He consistently listens to LOUD heavy metal music ALL THE TIME and will not turn it down or off when asked. He is also always drunk. Makes me uncomfortable in my own home.
Things with my best friend are not good. We are not speaking right now. He is the one person who truly understands me and has been the center stone of my life and is a LARGE part of the reason that I haven’t killed myself yet.
I am bad at handling money and see no way to pay off my student loan and credit card debt. (FYI I more-or-less failed out of college. Wanted to teach young kids but SUCKED at that)
The only thing I find happiness in is my young niece. But I KNOW that there will come a point where we are not longer as close as we are now. And that will HURT.
So, yeah. that’s me.
ETA: I should probably mention that I have decided on a method and am more-or-less waiting for my above-mentioned niece’s birthday to pass before I take my life.
5 comments
This comment/reply isn’t meant to be super helpful… It’s to show you that a person is going through similar things. I don’t really want to go into details, but lets just say I have already tried it (obviously failed) and would try it again… Except after recent research on the ‘after life’ i might be a bit scared of going to Hell, or a hell-like place.
And well ok this is sorta random but not random but yah just hear me out. So well um I’m a young teenager and I hate life. I’m homeschooled had one friend and got rid of her after she faked depression because it was just a good way to get attention. I have a father who doesn’t care about anyone and yells all the time, my mother is way way to protective, and my brothers call me really quite terrible names. The list goes on and on and on with all the things I am unhappy about. I really hate my personal issues, but also hate just the world in general. The only thing (as I said before) that is keeping me alive is the fear of dying and going to someplace worse.
I’m not trying to scare you, and really this probably isn’t to helpful, but just try a while longer PLEASE before you go ahead and comment yourself to the thought of taking your life on such and such a date. Maybe I dunno get some help. I was 11 when I popped the pills in my mouth. Everybody called me insane and dumb afterwards. My dad was mad because it turns out his daughter who never got in to trouble was now going to cost him a whole bunch of money for a counselor that was rather forced on him.
So I’m still looking for my light, my happiness, and I’m not giving up yet. I may be stuck on earth with invisible boundaries, but at least I’m trying to find my way in the world. I dunno if I’m babbling, or if you’ll take me seriously, or what. I dunno if this makes sense, and if you even care what this little girl has to say… But I hope that in these jumble of words you’ll find some hope or security or at least a small something to grab at.
Welcome NWren. Great to hear your story. I think the reason I keep popping in to this space is that people here are real. The FB crowd is all about posting pictures of cats, catchy quotes, and other BS. People here are hurting and aren’t afraid to say what’s in their heart..like you’ve just done. Hang on and hang in. Stay strong.
Welcome. Dealing with customers sucks. Sorry to hear about living situation, I could never stand to have roommates. Tell him to use headphones. Why aren’t you speaking to your friend? Hang around for your niece, if it gives you strength to keep going.
If I may ask, have you been able to talk with any mental health professional?
i worked in the food industry, safe to say i never wanna go back. have you tried looking for another job? if youre at all socially anxious working overnight jobs and not having to deal with or with as many customers has always sounded appealing to me.