I have one more piece of paperwork to get done, my Medical and Financial Power of Attorney. The Will and Advance Directive are all done. The three documents need to be witnessed and notarized.
I’ve stopped taking my heart meds. My sleep pattern has become so erratic that I wake up and have no idea what time it is. I may have slept for only a few minutes or up to 15 hours. I cry constantly. If things continue this downward spiral, I will go to the Bridge. I feel like I am going mad.
I called a hotline for the first time tonight. I told the operator that I just needed someone to hear it from my own lips: “I am going to kill myself and end the pain”
This is me:
This is the song that plays constantly in my head:
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Nice to see your smiling face. I’ve never heard that song. Good lyrics, good song. A worthy song to have in your head. I hate it when I get the stupid meaningless songs stuck up there. So, the will and advance directive are done and the power of attorney needs to get done. Finally the notarization. You’ve put a lot of thought into this so it’s not just an emotional spontaneous decision. I’ve followed your story for a while…you and Shepherd. Wonder how he’s doing?
My ‘deal’ is that I try like hell not to get involved here. I make a comment then scoot offline and don’t click the subscribe button. Or I post something and never check back to read if anyone’s commented. This is a hard place or space to get to know and become involved. People are going through some shit, on the edge of oblivion, most times they just need an anonymous stranger to talk to, just as you called the hot line. Uninvolved seems to work for me. I sleep, don’t worry and can move about without having someone I’ll never know, never meet, can’t really ‘save’ or help stuck in my head.
But I’ve gotten to know a little about Bayareaguy and a few others. I wish you well. I know you’ve suffered a long time. I know the Golden Gate Bridge has been calling you for a while. I know you’re a song junkie and keep some great old tunes playing and have posted a few here. I can’t think of any you’ve posted off he top of my head..perhaps a Peter Paul and Mary song…just popped into my head? Thank you for that. Thank you for sharing your story. It means a lot.
May you find peace. May your heart rise and soar. May your pain dissolve like a sweet summers rain and be washed to the sea where we all will be waiting. Breath in….exhale…
Hey bayarea, I’ve read your posts and always thought to myself, “This sounds like a really nice person. He doesn’t deserve this shit.” And today we get to see what you look like, and I dunno why a picture would make a difference, but now I’m REALLY thinking you’re a great guy who doesn’t deserve any of this.
In your posts I’ve read between the lines, bits of the vast experience & knowledge & wisdom you’ve picked up in your odd life journey, and I think it’s such a damn waste for it to end like this. Really, what are the odds that any other human will live the life you’ve lived & observed the things you’ve observed & hell, from what I gather, created the things you’ve created? The odds are unfathomable. It’s never going to happen again, not even close.
So I dunno what I’m trying to say. Obviously something as trite as “Don’t do it!” isn’t going to fix anything. But it doesn’t change the fact that that’s all I can think to say right now.
You’ve been part of this place for so long. I hope somehow, someway things improve for you. I will wonder of you from time to time if you never come back. Hoping always you are better even while knowing its unlikely. hugs.
Just checking in. Stay strong Bayarea.
I can’t believe it. For the last 3 weeks that is the only song I’ve been listening to. I got it from some videos posted in youtube as part of a project named “people who have commited suicide” posted by a user named “McCaringuy”. It was the first time I came across with that song and it is the only thing I can bare to listening to at this moment of my life. I know exactly what you’re feeling because around 1 and a half week ago I thought – this is it I can’t take it anymore. So I tried to hang myself by tieding a hope in my laydry’s room window and I climbed over my wash machine and jumped. But the window structure broked and I hit the ground I stayed there for like 2 or 3 hours. I remembered that part of the song “tasting ashes on my tong”. It was super scary that time bacause I did want to die, but I couldn’t stand living anymore and I thought the pain wouldn’t go away. One thing I say to you is that your pain will decrease and so the suicidal thoughts. I’m feeling calm now. The pain is still here and so the suicidal ideas but they are under control by now. Just hold in there man. I can’t say things will get better because I don’t tell this sort of lies to myself anymore and I won’t tell to you either. But just try to survive one more day. One day we are going to die anyway so I guess we could at least try to hold our time to come. I wish I could give you a hug man because that was all I needed that time. Someone that could hold my hand and not asking why. Are you from San Francisco? When you mean, the “Bridge”, you say the Golden Gate Bridge? I wish you’re doing ok man.
Hello Holden. I grew up in the Bay Area, during the 60s and 70s, so yes, I am referring to the Golden Gate. I’m of the folk rock generation, when people really could sing and the lyrics called for peace and human kindness. But I was never into drugs of any kind. For financial reasons, I had to move to Phoenix 2.5 years ago.
One Blood is a bit of an anomaly, musically, for me. It’s a bit “metal” but I deeply identify with the lyrics and message.
This was an incredibly horrible week for me. The worst I’ve ever had. Just seeing people respond was like you saying all you needed was someone to reach out and hold your hand. As dreadfully lonely as I’ve been for the last 20 plus years, a warm hand from a caring stranger feels like winning the lottery.
I feel like I can continue without too much danger of going off the deep end again. All of you can take some little pleasure from knowing how saving your posts were.
And you can call me Jay.