Suicide is not a joke. It is a battle you fight with your inner spirit and your feelings. For some people, suicide starts with bully, one of the most commons reasons why most deaths in suicide are the range of teenagers and young adults. I am in that range and I was one of the many who had almost succeeded in taking my own life. Suicide don’t just happen because we feel like it, there is always a reason and the main reason suicide comes about in someones mind is because they are being bullied. Being a victim will bring up all kinds of thoughts and one of those thoughts are always suicide. Being bullied was only half the reason I started thinking about suicide, being called different names and being bossed around because I had no other family besides my brothers. But the main reason started when I was around 10 or 11 years old. Back where I come from, people lived in villages only 2-3 miles far from each and everyone knows each other, and I mean literally. It was a good and bad thing at the same time, because sometimes you don’t really get any privacy. Given that when people knew each other, they knew every single chore that is done, they know when your family starts with the evening prayer and they know especially when you go to sleep. For me that was always an issue because I like my privacy, but the moment I decided to accept the lack of privacy, that’s when my world when from beautiful sunshine to pure darkness. I was raped. He was tall,buff and too strong for me to fight off and the more I struggled the more I realized that he was never going to let me go. I cried as hard as a baby but in silence, while feeling like the force of nature went against my will. I was hoping that it would end as soon as possible but, the torture and punishment went on for weeks that turned into months and no one not even my own family knew anything. At night I sleep with my back against the wall and in the mornings I would wake up and check the side of my bed to make sure that I woke up alone and no one else came in. In that moment, I knew that my future was in the dark I will have to fight to search for it. Every single day after a month of being tortured and used as a puppet I was emotional, I was moody, I was distraught and damaged I was headed down that dark alley and I was sure that I was going to fail in life. Being so young going through the struggles of sleeping and having nightmares I wanted it all to stop, and at the moment, I started thinking suicide. I was thinking of all kinds of ways to kill myself, how to use a knife knowing which section of your body will lose the most blood once being but. I was planning my death before 15 and I didn’t want to make it to high school because I was afraid. First two months I attempted to use a machete and I told myself I failed because I didn’t cut through any veins any major arteries and I cried that I failed. After that, for the next five months I started learning new fishing techniques from my father and especially how to tie different knots. I would test on small fishing lines and then onto to the bigger fishing lines and finally with my father’s ropes in hope to get a tight grip so I can be able to hang myself. I finally succeeded at tying different knots but the next three months was the attempt to get myself on a small step stool or a brick to reach the rope. I failed once again. Since I failed so much I invested my time in trying to find the perfect weapon to destroy myself to scratch my skin so that I can see blood.
The first year attempting suicide I cried of frustration I was hurt and most of all I didn’t have an outlet. Being a Polynesian woman, your virginity was the most sacred thing that you can have before marriage and mine was violated and destroyed at a very young, the age that most girls don’t even know what sex is, unfortunately for me I was a victim of someones careless act and I had to survive every day because of that. Losing my virginity to something that was not my fault makes me feel more ashamed and insecure of myself, because I want to be able to tell girls they are pretty and tell them every day that they are the light of the world when I couldn’t even see myself the same way. Having a Polynesian background makes it harder for me to open up to anyone because at the time all I could think of was constant threats and put downs that I will hear from that moment on even onto my future. For someone like me, it is even more difficult to open up because of who my parents were and the role they played in the community especially on the entire island. …