Hi again, it’s me.
Things have been pretty rough over the last few days.
So, I’m genderflux (for those of you who don’t know what that means, my gender fluctuates). So some days I’ll feel really strongly gendered or attracted to a gender (eg. female, as I was assigned female at birth), some days I’ll feel quite weakly gendered, and some days I won’t feel any gender at all.
But I started wondering whether this was the right term to use to describe myself. Some days, I’ll feel a bit like a girl, and I’ll want to wear skirts, and other days, I’ll want to dress like a guy and pass as a guy. And some days, I just feel like me. That’s the only way I can really describe it. Is genderflux the right term? Because my gender still fluctuates, but just in a slightly different way. Does anyone know the name for this?
This brings me on to choosing names. Megan is a name commonly associated with females, and I don’t really like it. I sometimes refer to myself as M or Magnus (because I RP as a character named Magnus) and I don’t know whether I should stick with that, or think of calling myself something different.
And all this shit going on in my head is stressing me out, and as a result, I cut. 10 new cuts across my stomach, and I still find it strange how cutting numbs the pain of everything else.
I also want to move out. I want to leave home as soon as possible and never look back.
But the problem is, I’m 16. I’d have to wait to go to university to move out. And I can’t wait another two years. It’s already been like hell these past three years, and I don’t want to deal with it anymore.
And when I get to university, I’ll destroy myself. I won’t be under the watchful eye of my mother anymore, and I’ll slice my skin to shreds. I’ll make sure I don’t eat more than 500 cals a day, and I’ll make sure I purge if I have more than that.
And I’m terrified of that happening, but at the same time I want it to happen so badly.
Some good will come of university though. I’ll be able to express my gender and sexuality a lot more, because my family don’t know at the moment, and I don’t want them to find out. They wouldn’t react badly, I just don’t want them to know.
Well, I guess that’s it for today.
Bye guys 😛
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13 comments
i feel your pain
As much as I wish you weren’t going through this as well, it’s nice to know that someone understands 🙂
Once upon a time there were only two genders to select from. A new born baby would be designated male or female. (Except for the occasional hermaphrodite). I’ve seen my birth certificate, and “M” or “F” were the only available gender options when I was born.
Over time things changed though. Today you can choose to be whatever you feel like being, despite the classification your were assigned at birth. I have decided to become a Unicorn. A lesbian Unicorn specifically, because that’s what I feel like.
My birth certificate claims that I’m a human male but I feel like a Unicorn, and since we can be whatever we feel like we are I’m going to come out as lesbian Unicorn. Look out world. Hmm. I wonder if I’ll win any awards for being so courageous?
Good luck. 🙂
Morris man, this is some serious shit. It’s a real internal battle for some people. Times change and this generation is more in touch with their souls. It’s a revolution of the heart.
It’s all good, Kills. I wish you and her/him the best.
Please respect my new found identity as a Unicorn. Thank you.
It is serious, but sometimes the situation needs to be lightened a little. And I like that. ‘Times change and this generation is more in touch with their souls. It’s a revolution of the heart.’ That’s beautifully put, and I completely agree.
I know it is man. It’s just I take it seriously because I have friends who face this daily. They’re in a lot of pain.
You should receive awards for being courageous, it’s a brave thing to do, and you identify as whoever you want 🙂 You have my utmost respect.
You’re very kind, thank.
For my Unicorn transformation surgery I’ll have surgeons attach a horn to my forehead. Then I’ll have my legs amputated at the knees, and have them attach hooves. I might replace my hands with hooves too.
Learning to walk on all fours might take some getting used to. I might even suffer from discrimination because unicorns don’t wear clothes. It’s possible that walking into a restaurant naked, on all four hooves and with a horn surgically implanted into my forehead might result in me getting bad service. But hey, I gotta be me, and I feel like a Unicorn.
*Thank you*
I’m glad you take it seriously 🙂 And I now realise that Morris is a bit of an ass after seeing other comments of theirs. So I take back what I said about making light of the situation.
Hi, I’m a trans-girl, it’s not going so well, but it’s not like I can choose 😛
If you want to get technical, the most ‘official’ term for you is genderfluid, as for names and stuff, it’s entirely up to you, M sounds pretty cool though (especially for a Bond fangirl like me).
You can tell people in your own time, but I’d appreciate it if you didn’t destroy yourself, if you’re weight-conscious, you might want to consider a ‘healthy meals on wheels’ subscription, in Australia, we have Light ‘n’ Easy, I don’t know where you’re from, though, so you might have something different, you might also want to consider talking to a trainer or someone like that, and they could map out some healthy eating tips and home exercise.
If people are making you feel bad in that respect, there’s a perfectly good middle finger you can shove in their sick fucking face. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr >:(
I’m not telling you what to do, I’m just offering some advice… I hope things pan out much better than you expect 🙂
I really hope things get better for you 🙂
I like the sound of genderfluid, I’ll think about it, thanks! 🙂 And yes, Bond all the way, also M for Moriarty, which is awesome.
I’m from the UK, and we have some stuff like that, I think that would be really useful when it comes to moving out for uni. Thanks 🙂
Putting my middle finger up at people is one of the things I do best 😛
It’s all really helpful advice, thank you so much! Hopefully things get better for the both of us 🙂