My dad killed himself when I was in the third grade, so I know a bit about the damage suicide does to survivors. The grief was unbearable, I felt rejected, abandoned, unloved, angry. My mom didn’t know how to talk about it, so I was left to make sense of all of that pain and loss on my own.
By the time I was 16, I was deeply depressed, isolated, and suicidal. I found hope in Christianity, and I credit faith with lifting me out of that particular abyss. But depression has dogged me all of my life, and with it suicidal desires. Medications have helped (currently Celexa), counseling has helped, faith has helped, friends and family have helped, but lately I’ve been spiraling down into the darkness again. This time I’m ready to give up.
About 18 months ago, the woman I loved left me. She was my soulmate, she gave me remarkable joy, but she’s gone. All the feelings of abandonment and grief that I remember from my father’s death have come back again, the emptiness is back, and I suppose I’ve just gotten to the point where I’m tired of living. I know that killing myself will do terrible damage to people I love, and frankly, that knowledge is the only thing holding me back. I’m not afraid to die; I am afraid of inflicting pain on people who love me and need me.
So I’m stuck, trying to decide. Do I ignore the pain of life and keep living for the sake of others, or do I check out and free myself from the heartaches and emptiness I’m feeling? Haven’t made up my mind yet, but I do have a plan, and waiting for life to get good again seems more futile with every day that goes by.
There’s nothing in this story that hasn’t been experienced by thousands of others. I found this group as I was reading on suicide and looking for something I haven’t heard before. Thanks for listening.
3 comments
I would like to think that I understand. Although I cannot say I have been through what you have what you write really gets to me. I understand depression, I, too, have thought suicide to be a solution. A relative of mine jumped in front of a train where his mother died on mother’s day, even though it wasn’t my dad I still understand what it does to the people who remain and with that said I just have one more thing to add.
You are so strong, so unbelievably unselfishly stupidly strong. What you are doing takes courage and lots of it. I really hope for you to find the hope for a better day again.
Lots of love from Sweden, even though that was more than one thing.
Thanks for your kind words. I do realize that I am strong – emotionally tough, I suppose – and I know that has come from always looking for a way through pain to a hoped-for better day. Life can be good, life is a gift, and I suppose what has kept me going in the past is a confidence that some good thing will come along that will make living worthwhile. Those good experiences are real. I need to find the strength to hang on long enough for the goodness of life to show up again.
I think you ate a gift to those that love you. The reality is that suicide can be a selfish way out, despite sometimes feeling like the only way to ease the pain. I too have a father that committed suicide, and he also changed his will prior, leaving me with not so much as a word or explanation, I was so confused that I felt nothing at the time. As time went on, I felt every emotion, guilt, anxiety, loss, anger, all of them. But I realized that by him doing that to me, I could feel the pain that I would leave my mum, that’s my biggest preventing factor that keeps me from killing myself, the thought of my mum feeling the same anguish I felt about my father. I know your loss and your pain, I don’t have any magic word of wisdom, but I truly hope that you see your presencenin those loved ones lives as a way of detaching yourself from your pain, even if it’s just enough to keep on living…. My thoughts are with you.