I am a 16 year old girl (will be 17 in 2 days), and well, what can i say, i am depressed and have suicidal tendencies.
Though i probably have everything, perfect scores, bunch of friends, money, and complete family, i feel this emptiness inside me. Every single day i know and i feel that something is eating away my hope inside me. I dont have the spark in my eyes anymore. I’d cry my eyes out until i fall asleep, i overthink it kills me, and i am highly emotional. I get angry and sad in a matter of seconds.
Perfect scores doesnt mean im happy. I study days and night, when people are asleep i still do my excercises, when people are hanging out at the mall, i go to courses. A little decrease in my academic performance will flip my parents off. I am always pressured to reach perfection, and always compared with my bigger sister which completely destroy my confidence.
I do have friends but not real friends. Do they care about me? Big no.
My parents always make sure that i get the best education in town, thus i am their walking investment. They keep emphasizing that they dedicated most of their money to make me the best of the best, so i better not screw things up. I tried to open up to them saying i am not capable to live in such expectation and all im getting is yell and things. That is why it is really hard for me to tell people abt my problems. Moreover, they all have their own shits to deal with.
I feel so pressured, i become this depressed 16 year old girl. I used to be so happy and now not anymore. A year ago i tried to slit my wrist but i guess, death still scares the hell out of me.
On my birthday i will get my ielts result, and im not sure i will get good result. In a couple of months, i will be facing the entrance test to the uni and im far from ready.
Every single day, i feel this heavy feeling on my chest, im tired most of the time, i get sudden stomachache and headache, and i cry with no reason.
I cant ask for help to my parents or friends, hell, they’ll laugh their asses off.
I want to know how it feels like to have no worries, to have confidence, and to know that someone got your back. I just need someone to talk to, and to know that they listen to me.
12 comments
You sound very smart for 17. Happy B-day buy the way.
What do you think would fill the void? Is there anything you could think of that would make you feel better about life?
Thankyou:) it is not my birthday yet tho but still thankyou
And i dont want to sound arrogant, but i do get called smart a lot. However, i suffer for that. I need to maintain my scores to that standard, which put a lot of burden to my shoulder.
I used to draw or go walking around to stop it, but lately the hollow feeling has become stronger and stronger. I feel it continuously without stopping no matter what i do.
I think i need to open up, but im scared. Im scared to be judged, laughed, and mocked at. Earlier this year i made a slight progress by having a positive mindset, but now, i feel like ive fallen to a deep dark hole i cant seem to escape.
Is there anything that brings you relief? any time when you just forget your problems and get to smile or laugh? There has to be some way for you to find happiness. I know people who are happy that don’t have as much as you seem to have. If you could figure out what is really ailing you about your life maybe you could come up with a solution. Have you tried spirituality? Lots of people get their peace from a belief in a higher power etc. Meditation, prayer, that sort of thing.
just trying to help
🙂
Have you ever seen a therapist?
I guess i’ve forgotten when’s the last time i truly laugh. I know i should keep trying to be not sad anymore, esp i have more than wht normal people have. I guess im being selfish for mourning over my life.
I pray every night and go to church every week, i guess, again, i have forgotten the true meaning and purpose of doing that. So, thankyou for the little reminder:)
And no, i have never seen a therapist, i cant ask my parents for it.
Hi. I know how you feel. I fucked up that for my family and now they hate me.
I wanted to attend University in England, as you I suppose, since you took the IELTS.
If you need to talk, I am here!
Hi there, i guess i havent fucked things up. Yet. Tomorrow my ielts result will come out and thts when i become a major fucked up.
And thankyou, i’ll try to talk to you:)
Sounds like a lot of what troubles you is feeling pressured about your parents expectations. Realizing you have no real friends is tough too, so that might add to it. Like someone mentioned before you sound like a smart person, so deep down you might know that friends come and go, and expectations are just a disaster waiting to happen.
The only thing you can do is doing the best you can, to achieve what you really want to achieve, and even then there are no guarantees that you’ll make it. Like some suggested you might want to look for some ways of relief, maybe a hobby or something like that. And yup, talking to someone does help, so a therapist might not be such a bad idea, stress levels are usually pretty high when you are about to go to uni. Best of luck.
You are right, mostly what’s in my head are things a 16 year old shouldnt think about. That’s why i over think and it is killing me.
I always do everything with my best effort and apparently my parents do not see that.
In some cases they will never see it, or even if they do they keep pushing because they think you can give more. In that sense i agree with the post below, being labeled the smart kid sucks.
As for expectations… well, I’m over 30 and i never lived up to my family expectations (even if i got a good degree) and i guess i never will. Best i can say is that you just have to do it for yourself, because you are going to live your own life, without your parents, and your expectations and goals are the important ones there (which tbh, few people have figured out at 16y old, some of us never do! haha). Also, parents often fail to see the amount of stress they put on their children, and the funniest thing is that it usually has the opposite effect on them.
I know they want what’s best for me. At times, i try putting my feet on their shoes and realize they do profoundly love me. But maybe, the way they show it is not right for the kind of traits tht i have, and im not sure they try to put themselves in my position.
And yeah i should do things for myself, after all, the only one who’s gonna stick to me forever is me. Sounds crazy but yeah. So thankyou for the reminder tht i should do things to for my own sake. Thankyou Mf:)
You know what sucks about being labeled the smart kid? Everyone assuming that the smart kid is supposed to have it all figured out because, shit, that kid is Smart! And if Smart Kid fucks up, the only solution is to whip that lazy Smart Kid into shape – clearly, the answer is just to suck it up and study harder.
Parents love smart kids because they like to project their standards onto them and live vicariously through their kid’s successes. Teachers love smart kids because it’s less work for them.
Your world sounds far from perfect and I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do. You’re not just ‘smart.’ You’re an emotionally charged creature in need of support. More than any test score, you need validation and love, which it sounds like you’re in short supply of both. My heart goes out to you.
Thankyou:)