I have Bipolar Disorder (#2), Social Anxiety and General Anxiety. Everyday my life would be ‘I shouldn’t go out somebody might talk to me.’ to ‘Yay! I’m so happy, let’s go out and celebrate!’ Although my happiness only last about five minutes.
I got depressed at a young age and had no clue what was happening, so it made me feel crazy because no one else acted like that at my age. I would usually cry myself to sleep, wondering if I would ever be normal again. When I grew up I finally figured out what was happening and got help.
That worked for awhile but soon it became worse. I became suicidal, at around nine I tried to commit suicide but my anxiety got the best of me. That same thing went on for a while, me trying to commit suicide and then chickening out, until my parents walked in on me trying again. I was hospitalized.
In the hospital I was a nervous wreck, escpecially not knowing anybody and having social anxiety. I was soon let out with me and the doctors thinking I was better. Turns out I wasn’t, it was just a another high from the bipolar. I got put on medicine while in a new hospital.
Turns out the medicine made me more suicidal. So I started cutting. Until my mom figured out one day. After that, I was in and out of hospitals all the time. One day, doctors did find me the right meds. I was doing so much better, I would laugh and smile without it being forced.
Now, I’m here today writing my story. I’m falling back into that cycle again. I’m trying to stop from cutting or doing anything irrational. So maybe one of you knows what to do, maybe you’ve been through the same thing. Maybe you can help me from making my same mistake, or leaving this world altogether.
Please, help.
1 comment
I have bipolar type 2 and have been diagnosed severe depressive since I was 21. Attempted suicide 4 times, hospitalized myself 2 other times, and still have suicidal thoughts. Can’t speak for you or even try to assume what your own personal battles are. Can tell you what I’ve learned in my 20+ years of my struggle with mental illness. When I feel distraught, helpless, lost in the darkness, and suicidal I try to get some sleep ASAP, sleep is like hitting a reset button so my brain isn’t stuck in a loop of darkness. If I can’t go to sleep right away I force myself to stop acknowledging the dark thoughts. I do this by focusing on a TV show or a movie. If I’m unable to still not stop the suicidal thoughts then I remind myself of a saying I heard recenly “Suicide doesn’t stop the pain, it just transfers the pain to someone else.” That saying has stuck with me since I heard it the first time. Good luck and keep fighting the war.
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