I wish I could just die already. I’m so sad all the time and I know that there is no way to escape it anymore. It feels like there’s this animal that lives in my stomach that eats every spark of happiness away. Any emotion at all is torn to pieces and all that is left is this shitty body.
I already walk around like a zombie, everyone knows it. I can hear people saying it behind my back. They treat me as if I’m a bomb; and time is slowly ticking away. What hurts me is that they’re completely right, and I am looking forward to the day I’ll explode.
It’s hard for me to get out of bed, to get out of my room. I used to play soccer all the time, I was the team captain… but I can’t bear to look at a soccer ball again. I don’t want to do anything, I don’t FEEL anything except that damned monster, eating away what little light I have left.
Every day it gets worse. And when I think of the future I only get sadder and sadder. So much time filled with pain. I don’t want that.
Some might call me a coward for considering to off myself, but I know that the people who read this are like me. You’re like me. You’ve had enough too, haven’t you? I hope your attempt will be successful, there’s nothing worse than being cut down. I know from personal experience.
I think I’m ready to go. There’s nothing left for me here. And you know what? Even as I write this message, as I finally come to peace with my decision, I feel good. I’m lighter now. I know it will all be over soon.
I have something to look forward to now, I’m excited, thrilled… scared.
With the “happiness” of the thought of my suicide also comes fear. Fear for failing again, fear for my family. I don’t want the to mourn, I don’t want them to feel pain… but I’m selfish.
I think I’ll throw myself off the cliffs near the beach. That way my parents won’t find me in the process or afterward. I don’t want them to find me hanging or bleeding. I think it will be best if some random person will find me on shore and call the cops.
Sometimes I wonder what I’d look like. Blue lips, pale skin. In books and movies they often say that you look at piece when you die. I wonder if I’ll look like that. Maybe I’ll die smiling…
I haven’t smiled in months.
1 comment
Hello Laina,I got a cousin by the name laina.Maybe u should start smiling from now on.I should not be giving u any advice since I myself is in bit of a tricky situation too,and as they say one blind man can’t help another blind man.I am 23 and I have never ever been in a relationship.I don’t know how to love or how does it feel to be loved.I guess I m just a lone ranger.Anyways,my point being it is better to be single and enjoy life then to be in a bad relationship which will result in heartbreaks and self hatred.So don’t throw yourself off a cliff or try to hurt yourself in any way.Something tells me that u r a very bright person and there is a lot of happiness and love coming your way in life,because as they say “The night is darkest before the dawn.” Take care of yourself and please please now put a warm smile on that beautiful face.????