My name is Ariel
never really done this, talk about how I feel out in the open with people. I’m 24 been thinking about suicide since I was 16. I haven’t hust thought about it I’ve actually tried a few times. Could never really go thru with it completely. But I’ve tried. The worst part is that I know who I would be hurting, what I would be losing, I see the beauty of life, I see how beautiful the sky is when the sun is slightly shining upon my face, even tho it’s 100 degrees outside. I see the meaning of life In my little brothers and sisters smiles. I realize that I would be missing out on them growing up. That’s the part that kills me knowing I’ll be missing out on their life’s. But it’s so hard to get out of bed everyday knowing I’m not doing it for myself but for them. I wish I was doing it for me. I was once happy with my life. But to be honest it all changed when my dad chose to put a gun to his head and say goodbye to the world without even saying goodbye to his children. Deep down I know he did but I didn’t hear it. I wish I was there for him when he had no one to support him. Like I wish someone would be here for me. Someone who understands what I think and gets why I think the way I do. I can’t talk to my family or friends because they will not understand. Even tho I know they will say they do. But truely they don’t. Life isn’t easy I know that. But my thoughts aren’t easy either. No ones thoughts are. We are all different in a way. We are all meant to do something good in the life. We just don’t know it yet. And we never might know.
2 comments
Well unless someone’s gone through what you have, they won’t really understand what it’s like to lose a parent. I nearly lost my mother over a year ago-her health was deteriorating rapidly, I won’t get into it but it was close. Fortunately the medicines the doctors gave her, turned her life around and she’s ok now…but she is elderly and I know I’ll lose her sometime in the future. How long is anyone’s guess.
While I have a hatred for my parents, at the same time, they’ve been a fixture in my life since it began so it’s hard to imagine life without them. However when I felt she was close to death last year, I was deeply disturbed and so were my siblings.
Your father ended his life I’d presume because his suffering and pain was too great-that even his care for his kids couldn’t stop him. There’s about only one person a truly care about that could keep me here, but if my life goes to hell, then even my love for her won’t be enough.
I’m sorry for your loss and I think what you really need is some therapy to help you deal with the tragic loss. I’m sure he never meant to cause anyone else any pain, just that he wanted to end his own. So I wouldn’t take it personally in any way. I’m sure you’re deeply upset by it, but I think he’d probably want you to go on with your life without him. I’m simply speculating so don’t let anything I say upset you.
If there’s anything positive that can be said it’s this-at least people like us care for others and I think that makes us better humans than many out there who are mean, callous, selfish and so forth. Wish you all the best in your journey.
Correction–should’ve been: only one person I (not ‘a’) truly care about.