Growing up in a traditional Asian household, life was very different from what I had read in American novels. With a strict Taiwanese father who graduated from Harvard, was the minister for Sino-America relations, and a Marine for 15 years, expectations were always set high. And my mother on the other hand, looked at me as no more than a show pony that she could steal accomplishments from. From an early age, achievement was measured in medals, and love in trophies. Whether or not I would get beaten depended on how fast my times in the latest swim meets were, how I placed in the latest musical competitions. And I learnt to get used to this.
But what I didn’t get used to is the feeling of never being good enough. I am not allowed to play music that I like. I am not allowed to eat things my parents think will make me fat. If I want to listen to music while doing homework, I need to write a thirty page long paper full of experiments proving to my parents why it won’t decrease my productivity. From a young age, my future was decided for me. But now I’ve had enough.
There is no point in living a life like this anymore. Through these years of torture, I’ve learnt to let go of this fear of death. No matter how hard I tried, no matter how high I ranked in National standings, there will always be a cousin somewhere in the family better than me at something. My first cousin is taller than me. I failed at growing tall. My second cousin is better at make-up than me. I failed at being beautiful. My brother is better at boxing than I am. I failed at being strong enough.
Now, I’m stuck between knowing that there’s nothing good for me in the future, and afraid to let go because I keep hoping something will show up. All I want to do before I leave this world is help somebody. Help somebody so that 40 years from now, they’ll remember that some random girl helped them when they needed it. I think it’s a selfish thought because, really, I just want some part of this world to remember me.
2 comments
Selfish maybe, but not “bad”. At least in my opinion. The word selfish tends to have a negative association attached to it, but really, selfishness is what makes the world go round. There are of course limits that we (humans) generally think should not be passed, but everyone is selfish to some extent. And that’s healthy.
I’ve said this next bit a few times before on this site but… most of your problems seem to stem from your current living situation. With your parents. If you can just hold out long enough to be self-sufficient, don’t you think things would improve dramatically? Get to the point where you can live for yourself, do things for yourself and the ones who you love and that you think deserve your effort. Although that may seem like ages from now, it’s quite possible that in the long run you’ll be thankful you decided to stick with it. But who knows. Only you can decide.
So I guess my advice (terrible as it might be) would be… live for yourself. You have a cousin that’s better at something than you? A brother that’s better at something? Ah well. There will always be someone better than you at everything out there. Right now everything is centered on impressing your family, but only because you’re stuck with them and rely on them. Take the time to figure out what you want out of life instead of what your family wants from you, and focus on that. It would be a long transition, but… one step at a time.
Get away from them and don’t look back. I know that’s not typical of Asian culture, but, if you’re on this site, you need to make some radical decisions to move forward with a good life. I can see you have tons going for you. You are so not a candidate for exiting, trust me!! Good luck. Please listen ok? X