my two favourite youtubers are on tour together. yeah, so…
last night, i went to one of their shows.
it was so fun and so incredible.
it might’ve been one of the best nights of my life, if not the best.
Hello. I have less than 1 week left in school. I can’t seem to stay still. Going to a place full of people like school is agony. I hate it. I got to get away. I can’t stay still. Every time I look around, I see people having a great time and spending it with others. I understand that I am alone. I just don’t want to show up to a place where it constantly reminds me. This restlessness has extended at home as well. Even in my room I can’t sit still. I want out. It’s driving me insane. Like I need to be somewhere, but I just don’t know where. Somewhere far from here. I hate how they stare. They rarely do it, but when they do, it’s always in disgust. I don’t want to be here anymore. I want out. Where can I go? Thank you for listening.
Why do you cause me pain?
why do nothing when I cry?
Why do you break my heart?
Am I not good enough for you?
I search for you throughout my day, I work hard so I can come home to see you, I strive for your love but you don’t see, you don’t care, you just yell, I finally have the courage to tell you what I’m feeling and you scream at me an to what I feel, I get thrown back down, then you get angry because I don’t tell you what’s wrong. You say you struggle everyday but when I say, you yell at me.
All I want is for you is to show me some sort of love or just for you to care.
I’ve been through this struggle for too long, how am i suppose to go any further? Am I to try harder? Am I to leave? Or is it easier to drive a knife through my heart?
I’m addicted to him. This beautiful man… I call him kitty. The sweetest of humans alive. He has, in the last few weeks, made me feel like love is real. Like it’s possible.
But it’s just another dangling carrot for a stupid rabbit. I can never be with him. Tonight we both admitted that.
I thought I could get better… but life just likes to show me, taunt me, with that which I want before it rips it away from me.
So I’ve decided to do a little chemistry experiment. The result will be a poison that is known for killing cattle in nature. But if I can get just a tiny little bottle of it… I figure I’ll either be dead or brain dead. I don’t care. At this point, if I had the courage I’d cut out my own heart. But I don’t. So this will give me the time to either get over it… or not.
I’m just so sick of feeling… every little thing. Every day. Feeling like suicide is just looming over me at every turn.
this is more to do with the comments than the post itself, i tried to write a comment but it didnt seem to post, so ill just put it here, as you can see its long, perhaps theres a word limit on comments? either way after writing so much i would be irritated to just delete it
Wow, this one really blew up didnt it? Just a couple of pints id like to add after reading all the comments.
Firstly is the discussion over ways to help, @salt you know i agree with what you say regarding more serious members need more serious help instead of lighthearted, yes, you are right. When someone is on their last legs and coming here for serious help, one liners and humour will drive them away, at such times only in depth shit has any chance of working. and i know a good few serious people would have been driven away by inadequate replies they were given when they came here and quite possibly went on to kill themselves. and it haunts me, same way as every confirmed suicide does (and i remember watching the news when one of those was reported, tho didnt make the connection to this place) every day i think, if only i had been here, if only i had taken the time to not leave the sight, if i hadnt been so self absorbed trying to get my own shit together then maybe i could have been here to give the indepth talk that may just have kept someone from leaving, and every confirmed death, even ones you dont mention (i believe lon3spartan was confirmed, tho i may be mistaken?) keep me up at night because i didnt try hard enough. and that tends to take away my desire to shoot the breeze on here on “fun” posts because the hardcore members need hardcore help.
That being said its a narrow point of view. there are more than one type of member here, alot of people struggle day to day and come here for some small bt of reliefe where they can discuss topic that bring them joy, whilst also being surrounded by people who know their struggle, in that sence the light hearted stuff keeps them grounded and quite possibly stops psyhotic breaks that could end fataly and sometimes it just gives them a reason to keep going, to put down a knife because they have somewhere to belong. and in that sence members such as @rocketman and @Hazy and indeed all the others are doing a wonderful job of keeping alot of people going, merely with their humour or paintings or whatever, so in a way they do more good here than i do. the problem arrises when you have to differentiate between what user needs what type of response and that can change each day of the week, a user that needs to laugh today might need an indepth and heartfelt conversation the next, we simply have to be vigilant and direct a user into which catagory we think works best. there is no right or wrong way to help on here @salt we just have to be aware of which help to offer. and often we fail and often we fuck up and often we get it wrong and someone else pays the price, and every confirmed suicide and lost member weighs on me but that doesnt mean i blaim the ones who misread the help he needed, merely lament that those who could have given the help that may have worked were not there at the right time, tho you, salt were there for at least on confirmed and ive no doubt if there was anything that could have worked you would have found it.
Next point, letting go of a hand for some people and keeping tight to others? fuck that, in my time here ive only ever let go (conciously) of a handful (excuse the pun) of people and that was only when i ran out of every thing i could think of, and thankfuly the last time i gave a blessing of departing was to you, and we know how thats turned out. I understand that some people are just ready to go, and nothing we can do can help, but that doesnt mean we should give up until the bitter end, where theres life there is hope, untill they take their method in hand and set it in motion there is always a chance to save them, no matter how remote a chance it is there, if we can find it. so i believe we should never let go of a hand, until the door of death, regardless of what it may do to our own mental health.
with regards to the current regime of zero tolerance to posts. by and large i agree with you, hell i made posts that had no buisness being here, be they detailed method related or a couple hundred comment long post that was just members telling jokes, but that was all in the old days. I do agree there needs to be more discression with regards to posts that get deleted, some posts might infringe upon the rules but shouldnt be deleted as that post may be necessary for the poster, or even the comunity itself, so by and large i agree that alot of posts should be left and people in charge of deleting them need to step their game up. however there are some posts that havbe come here that should not be left up, and ill happily say it that i have reported a handful of posts in my day, ones that had no buisness being here. only one of those was method based and the reason for it was the method was just too damn accessible, and far too detailed, it was more of a how too guide than anything that could have been remotely close to a good thing to let desperate suicidal people access to. now that was a good good while ago, and i dont know if that user came back, but it was not a decission i took lightly, and i understood what having their post deleted could have done to that person but allowing detailed, how too guids on here is incredibly dangerous, i dont mind discussing methods, and will happily do that but i draw the line at tying the noose, general posts about methods should be left but the more serious ones shoud be discussed only with members capable of dealing with that information and not blasted out so anyone having a bad da can walk to their pharmacy, pick up everything they need there and have it over with in less than an hour. by all means discuss it over email but this place has rules for a reason, to protect its members, now do i believe in all the rules? hell no, and i often skirted them many a time but the basic rule of methods (while it should be relaxed) still has to hold some sway, and as for taking on more moderators? why dont you voulenteer, youd be pretty good at it.
Last point i think, banning members, you mentioned a user who was volatile to other members, if he is the one i remember, then his presence was a danger, if not for stronger members his comments alone would have pushed me over the edge, and it came damn close, tho there is a chance that was a different user, a slim chance but a chance none the less. now if a user like that could nearly push someone like me over the edge (granted i was a complete and utter mess back then) do you really think he had a right to be here? i understand lashing out, i understand hurting other, but doing so deliberatly and taking enjoyment out of it has no place here, if when he was banned he killed himself? i dont know but he had a chance, many users tried and failed to talk to him. people who come here hurting everyone else, if they cant be helped fast need to be quarantined because if not the damage they can do is as fatal as it is immense, this is a place of saftey and peace, often its distruptive but no one who comes here should ever be pushed further twards killing themselves, the good of the members, each and everyone of them has to be priority, anyone threatening the mental health of anyone on here should be dealth with as quickly as possible, if its not possible to get them to not be an asshole to people who clearly cant handle it then they have to be removed
I think thats all i wanted to say, a bit longer than i intended, my bad
Peace & Love,
P.S. I dont mean to be so active recently, ill keep posts like this to the minimum
I’m a compulsive liar. I lie about silly things like what food I had for lunch or telling stories with friends. I also lie about real things like whether or not I cut or that I lost my job or that I’m not an alcoholic.
Here is the truth:
I am a failure. I dropped out of school because I have no drive and hated who I was at school, but blamed it on my depression. I lost my job because I didn’t want to show up, so I didnt, I then lied about why I lost my job. I was supposed to pay my friend, and didn’t, and then lied and said I did.
I don’t know how to STOP LYING.
Hello. I’m very uncertain about a lot of things. I’m not even really sure that I’m suicidal. I think about killing myself all the time and I even daydream about how I would do it. But if I was really suicidal, wouldn’t I have already done it by now? Literally I could just go into the kitchen while everyone’s asleep, get a knife, cut my throat, and lie down on the bed. But every time I’m at my lowest and feel the urge to do it, I just can’t bring myself to do it. I guess I’m too afraid. I imagine I’m put in situations were dying isn’t my choice. Like someone comes up and mugs me on the street and ends up shooting me in the head or something. I’m such a coward, that I can’t even do it myself. It’s pretty pathetic. It’s starting to show that I’m depressed. Other students are starting to ask me more, but I just say I’m fine and move on. I can’t go back to therapy. I hated it and refuse to go back. I have to try extra hard around my parents, but at school, I just don’t care anymore. Well thanks for listening again. Side note, I really want to comment on others post and show my support, but I’m not sure how to approach it. I’m afraid that I will upset someone, but I feel that I need to show that I care like everyone else. Any advice?
I know that my friends have other friends.
I know that I might be too busy sometimes or that I don’t always have a ride.
I know that I can be annoying, selfish, violent, moody, but I just want you to understand.
Understand that whenever I make a mistake, I think about what you would have done. That when people meet me, I think about how much better things would go if I were you. That even though I may seem fine, I just want to die.
I know that I’m awkward and don’t have as many friends as you. But it doesn’t help when you brag about what someone else, that I don’t talk to, said. It doesn’t help when you joke about this one time you had a party with tons of other people. It doesn’t help when you tell me about inside jokes and that you have big plans with other people.
I don’t want to know when someone confessed their crush with you. I don’t wanna know when you brother’s friends give you their number and invite you to hang out. I don’t want to know about that time you went to Utah and met a guy who lived in San Jose, who then gave you his number. I don’t want to know about the things you say to strangers that makes everyone fall in love with you. I don’t wanna know when other people tell you what they don’t like about me.
I don’t want to listen to when you tell other people that I’m rude, violent, moody, stupid. I don’t want to hear when other people always compliment and give you gifts. I don’t want to hear about the time that you got free things because of your mom’s connections.
Maybe I just show my affection through light hip taps, or belly rubs. Maybe I just show that I care by not caring at all. Maybe I just want to fit in.
I hate you. But I love you. You’re what I want to be, but can never become. You have everything that I could possibly desire.
When I tried telling you about my depression and that I wanted to leave, you told me that you had cut yourself with a knife and had to go to a therapist for a year. When I tried telling you about my parents, you told me that your parents are divorcing. When I told you that I was thinking about going to the east coast to escape my parents, you told me that you felt the same even though I’ve heard you tell me and others that you loved them so much that you wanted to stay here in the west. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. Do I share more about myself? Because it seems like you are one-upping me. I care about you and I wish better for you. But I just wish you’d listen.
Listen when I push you away. Listen when I punched you in the arm. Listen when I tell you about my deepest secrets. Listen when I say that I’m just not feeling it. Instead of telling me your experiences and walking away. Show me that you care enough to stay. Don’t say anything just look in my eyes, hold my hands, and listen.
Maybe I’m just scared, that you’ll find out about my faults and leave me. Angry, that you have multiple things in life to your advantage, yet you complain. Annoyed, of you and your complaints and your achievements. Jealous, of your life. Relieved, that I’m one of your closest friends. Tired, of constantly being in your shadow and being wary of what you do.
Maybe I’m just selfish.
Falling so far from yesterday
Slowly, all of the colors fade
Sunshine dancing through the alleyway
Beautifully executed last ballet
And the audience was pleased
To have been the ones to see
Blue eyes turning green
In the limelight of the street
When the curtain is pulled
The whole city will go cold
And the fire from the foxhole
Cannot be controlled
So if you heard it, yesterday
Take back the words you’ll never say
Like “I’m okay,” and “Will you stay?”
Enjoy the show and press replay.
Falling so far from yesterday
Slowly, all of the colors fade
From black to white, and gold to grey
Enjoy the show and press replay.
Enjoy the show and press replay.
Enjoy the show and press replay.
Enjoy the show and press replay.
>:( I understand that my hair may look really coool now but seriously don’t fucking come up to me and fucking touch my hair and then get me kicked out of the supermarket because I hiss at you because you don’t listen to the words “don’t touch” or “fuck off” honestly for fuck sakes really now I have to show my face in the supermarket to get the rest of my fucking shopping
I hate life… FUCK YOU REALITY
I can’t come up with a reason to go through the struggle again. I haven’t had an intimate relationship in more than 5 years.
I was married for 20 years, but she wanted to start over by herself.
I have a 20 year old daughter who only messages me when I send her money. She doesn’t answer her phone, and doesn’t reply to texts… Unless there was money involved.
I just got laid off from my job. I’m too old to start over. I’ve done it too many times. What for? To see who wins the election? That doesn’t matter… To see the next movie or show? What is the difference…
I’ve been isolated for about 5 years now. I still love my ex-wife and daughter, but they do not have love for me.
Things deteriorated in 2008, when my father died from cancer. Watching him die was traumatic. He was a good man. The best. After he died he was accused of wrongs he did not commit and I was alone in defending his honor. At that time I split from my family of birth. I’ve been in a depression since that time.
I’ve come to know that the only thing that makes life whole is to be loved, to be touched, to be cared for. I have none of that, and haven’t for so long now that I wouldn’t know how to do it again.
I haven’t set a mental date yet, but I am sure that I will do so. Probably as my money runs out. I’m not moving again, I’m not selling everything I have. I worked hard to regroup after the divorce. I’m too old and too tired to do that again.
If you are reading this, I hope you can find a reason for continuing. I’ve lost the fear of death. 150,000 people die every day. I’m sure whatever is next will show itself. Maybe nothing. Nothing would mean no more stress. Nothing sounds good.
So I was watching this show called “Long Island Medium”. It’s a reality show about a psychic medium who helps people talk to their deceased loved ones. I watch it because it reassures me that there is life after death. Tonight I found myself getting angry and resentful. All these people mourning their precious dead. “I was Daddy’s little girl” or “my mom was my best friend”. I felt like smashing the tv thinking “poor thing, your parents (or whoever) actually loved you.” I felt no compassion for these sobbing people at all. I used to be a compassionate person but I have officially become a cold hearted evil *****. I don’t know when I became this terrible person. Just one more reason I should die. I am ashamed of the person I have become.
“You have so much to live for.”
I don’t know how may more times I can listen to that. Anytime I talk to any friends or family it’s the same thing. They start by telling me how I am going through a rough patch and that it will all get better. They don’t offer any real advice. They half ass their responses and tell me how my future is going to be just fantastic. I am getting frustrated even thinking of it now. A severe case of anxiety and depression is no “rough patch”. I have been dealing with these issues since before I can remember. It seems all my life is is one unfortunate, traumatic event after the other.
I was such a quiet kid. I could never get out more than a whisper to anyone besides my parents or my one close friend. You know what bullies do with the quiet ones?All the girls in my first grade class were invited to this girl Grace’s birthday party. The memory is fresh like it was yesterday. I can even remember the color of the balloons and what they had out for snacks. The one girl was a tom boy and wanted to show off in front of Graces brother, and I was so quiet that they seemed to know I wouldn’t rat them out. I recall being kicked so badly I vomited and had a bloody face. They then made me go clean it up in the bathroom and tell my mom what a fun time I had.
I haven’t had much luck with abuse either. My one best friend.. her older brother raped me when I was 13. My first time. I don’t remember this so much, as he drugged me and the rest I have tried to block out. I do remember how disgusting and worthless it made me feel. I wonder what kind of person I would be if it never happened. I never told anyone until about a year ago. None of my family know. I don’t want them to.
There was a peeping tom that same year and a deranged creep chasing me home from work when I was 16. I thought I was going to die that night, his car was on my bumper going 90 mph in my neighborhood. Sharp turns and all.
I wish these memories could stop torturing me.
I wish these events didn’t change me like they did.
People say things like “it will get easier” but that doesn’t help because I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t believe it will get better. I wish I had someone to show me how good life can be cause right now it’s not good at all and the world is a hideous place.
Out of sight, out of mind
Memories recalled, painful objects of misery
Reliving the past, again and again, everyday is the same as yesterday
Perseverence, that’s all I have to show for myself, unless this bitter story comes to an end
Constant war between the world and me, just leave me be
All of this can’t be pointless, the meaning is hidden between the lines
Finding the truth is only the first step
Buried beneath guilt and shame, I’m slowly fading away
My only solice is in my sleep, my annoyminity
Wearing my mask, day by day, faking my smile and my display
Regressing back to square one
Alone at last within corriders of solitude
This everlasting torment will be my home forever
Please log in to report posts