2nd attempt aftermath

I’m just so tired at this point that I don’t know what to do with myself. Two days ago during my two best friends wedding to each other I ducked out early, filled my car with all my belongings and was about to drive off and burn it all. I had bought two propane tanks I had intended to rupture, and a jerry can full of premium gasoline (which for some reason seemed funny being that I only buy low-grade) which I had intended to pour on everything including myself. It was going to be a loud painful and grizzly death but that’s how I wanted it.
During the last check to make sure I had gotten everything I fell over and was unable to get up again. I began crying and screaming that I was a coward and was too weak to go through with it – again.
Now its been two semi-sober days later and Ive only told a handful of people. My best friends are on their honeymoon unaware and I am drinking a coffee and scotch trying to make a plan for the rest of my life.
I’m here though and I’m picking up the pieces very slowly. I joined this site in the hopes of sharing that part of me and also to find a reason not to attempt a third time. I would like to come back with a positive message when I have one about how things turned out but at this point it’s just the ‘being alive and being’ part that I can express.