I am constantly told what I should be, what I should do, who I ‘am’. What is expected of me. and I am NONE of those things. I am not actively suicidal, I am just hoping that life kills me. I am not motivated. I am not looking to improve my life.
So my dad told me today that our family is getting family counseling after a huge spat on Tuesday. Good news I guess; my parents will probably change at least a little, and I might be able to get a prescription out of it.
What my brain apparently told me today:
1. Get a small coffee but refill it way more times than you should. Repeat until hands tremble, and blinking no longer makes logical sense.
2. Hold the nearest pencil without dropping it, and draw a picture of Alan Ominous’s avatar on the back of your receipt.
(His avatar is “Crazy Eyes” from the Adam Sandler movie “Mr. Deeds”. Google it to see a plethora of eyes going in separate directions.)
3. Stop after 40 minutes, no matter how BAD the drawing looks. Ignore the buzzing sound in your head as you take a picture of the drawing and post it to SP, wondering how you’re going to apologize later.
4. Dammit, my coffee is empty. Why is my coffee empty? I need a refill.
5. Colors…. they sound like chipmunks.
Hii… My name is Arianna, yesterday I posted on here that I tried to overdose… I did try, but fortunately it did not kill me.. I’ve been vomiting for 2 hours now.. Idk what I took, all I know it had 600 milligrams (is it milligrams or am I just dumb?) for each pill. I took 30, at the least… I did not go to the hospital and yes my parents found out.. I had told them I was bisexual and that I selfharm.. We didn’t go to the hospital because my mom thought she would lose her job ._. My mom told me that selfharming is cowardly and is showing that I’m not strong… Personally I took that offensively, because I don’t think selfharm is cowardly… It’s just a way to cope with feelings that you can’t necessarily put into words…. I was heading off to bed and told my mom I loved her… All she said is “Really?! Because you have a weird way of showing it.” Anyways… I threw away all of my blades away.. Yes, I’m going to try and stop selfharming…. And yes I’m recovering fine from the pill overdosage thing.. I’m not leaving anytime soon.. Not when I’m with someone who would of took his life if I took mine.. Thank you. Goodnight y’all. Feel free to hmu on kik.. Arianna_Newton
so I’ve recently heard the piece of advice from lots of people- on here and in real life- to remember that parents are only human. I appreciate the advice and yes, I do in fact realize that my parents are also prone to mistakes.
but I know when people mean what they say. my mother is a lawyer for a living. obviously this does not mean that she says the right thing all the time, or that she doesn’t have outbursts of things she doesn’t really mean. but she literally reads contracts to make sure people say what they mean so that they can be legally held to it later. if she wanted to revoke something she said, she damned well knows how, and has had weeks to do it. I’m fucking tired of people telling me my own damn mother doesn’t know what she means when she tells me what she thinks of me.
and you know what isn’t human? not resenting a leech in your side. any sane person resents a nuisance that only saps resources for absolutely nothing in return. so a leech is essentially what I am. I’ve told her so before and she cannot even deny it.
and while I’m ranting on this, I hate being told it’s not my job to protect her from me. if I can decrease the amount of blood I leech from her, why, in God’s name, should I not? yeah, it was her choice to bring me into this world, but now she can’t pull me off and I am old enough and self-aware enough to know what my existence steals from her. how dare they tell me I should not protect her from the parts of me that are anything less than what she deserves?
I love her so much. There is nothing that could make me stop loving her and nothing that I would not do for her. When I sound resentful it’s only because I know she can’t love me as unconditionally as I love her, but I also know it’s not her fault. She has far fewer flaws than I do and is infinitely easier to love than I am.
mother has been in the hospital for the last three days they thought she had a stroke or a heart attack . my mother has had paraplegic migraines and sist on the center of her brain . She was been sick since I was 10 or 11. ..now if she has relapased She will be like she was before was really bad I dont remember much becuase I shut those memories away.
Now the doctor said he found scaring on the brain the was scaring from the past but it might be new or if the sist grew that will be brain surgery.
There was no heart attack or stoke just a server panic attack wich cuased those symptoms . she is doing a catherization later this week .
My mother in law says she dint know but I feel she is lieing.
She said if its bad she will put me on a plane home if need.
Now when I called my brother he sqeuled everything and he was told not to tell me or my sister . my dad text me and got mad at me for not knowing wtf how was I supposed to know .
Im so worried and at the same time I want die .
I have a friend, and our relationship had grown into something more. I have known that she has leukemia that has been in remission for a few years, but it’s back. After a long conversation she told me that she love’s me, and…. I have to say I love her too. Even with the things going on in our lives, I still assured her I was here for the long haul. I don’t want her to feel alone or like she has to face this alone like she did the first time. After a divorce that completely crushed me, I stayed alone for a year to heal myself before she came into my life. The day that she told me that she loved me, ( and vice versa )I asked her to take care of my heart, it’s been broken so many times and there’s not much of it left, but I’m giving it to you anyways, and she swore to me ” I promise to always take care of it, nobody will ever hurt it again ” and not too long after that she walked away without so much as an explanation or goodbye. Haha, heart broken yet again, but such is life I guess. I got a call today from her today, told that she had made a terrible mistake, but didn’t want to put me through what she’s going through, but I’m a big boy I said. I know what I signed up for, and that I wanted to be by her side through this no matter what the outcome may be. Now I’m torn, and not only that. I was listening to some of my favorite music, and the lyrics in one song said, ( though my ” will ” shall never break, but it will bend. Like the scars that heal, but never mend ) WOW !!!! my exact feelings put to music lol. Again there’s a few people here that know me and my story here, and I haven’t posted anything in a minute because I have been so angry lately and now this. And even though I’m stilled pissed at the world, im confused now. Because part of me wants to tell her to go ” FUCK HERSELF ” and part of me still wants to walk this journey with her so that I can make sure that sheI never feels alone, but none of me trust her. Lmfao, anyways, that’s the end of my rant. I hope everyone has the greatest of days. 🙂 🙂 🙂
Short update here. Feeling peaceful. No manifestos to offer today about fish or flowers. No art as I seem to have ended this methodical obsessive streak for the time being. I sat and watched two movies last night. Was just in the moment. The movies were not life changing movies they were just silly things. Pure silly entertainment. A friend told me yesterday that is important. Doing silly things just because. There doesn’t have to be some kind of life changing revelation in every moment I take in. Sometimes it is just sitting and breathing that is important.
It feels ok to just be. Today is a good day to live.
The only two friends that i have in college do not speak to me anymore.
I really liked them as my friends and i build a great friendly relationship with them but I’ve been noticing some strange behavior from them.
My two friends are guys and i’m a girl.
Anyways, we are all in the same class and I’ve been noticing that when i have a conversation with one of them- the other walks away.
And For example- we wrote a script individually for the class we are in and i asked both of them to be in it and one of them ask me who’s playing the main character? and i told him it was my other friend and he replied “i knew it”….
it gave me the impression that he was jealous. which is weird because we’ve been friends for awhile and he never acted like he liked me like that. but i might be wrong? am I?
And the other guy friend, i noticed that he was bothered because i had a conversation with a guy from the same class about a subject we both liked and we where just conversing about it and he was there and he all of the sudden got up and left without saying goodbye or anything, i knew something was bothering him but i don’t know what? was he also jealous?
there behavior became so bazar, that i’m not really sure whats going on? i’m just sad that i lost their friendship.
Does anyone have an advice for me?
should i reach out to them?
I have this habit whenever I’m down of the cycle, I tend to purposely piss off people around me. I want them to hate me because apparently my hate for myself is not enough to pull the trigger. I want them to hate me so they would feel less bad about my death.
But then again, someone special told me that making them hate me doesn’t change the fact that they care for me.
But then again, my stupid excuse is habit. Or maybe I’m just accumulating this giant ball of hate to swallow.
I want to break up with my lover for this stupid reason. But I can’t seem to afford losing her. Having her is like the greatest thing I could ever ask for. And yet I think of such things.
I’ve been battling depression since the age of 13. In my community depression is seen as a sin. So I developed an outer shell that showed the world all was well. At 33 almost 34 married to a loving wife and 2 beautiful daughters, how is it that I can be so blessed yet so empty? Why do I consider death as a reprieve?
People, when I have broached the subject tell me it’s all in my mind, I opened up to my wife and she says she’ll help but is indifferent towards me now. I’m not even hanging on by a thread and up to my eyeballs in debt, how am I supposed to continue this act?
I’m so tired. Ive planned my death in detail, in the most painful ways imaginable to the last breath and am so close. I’m tired of being told it’s in my head I’m tired of pretending and hiding the pain.
My children 17 & 15 really don’t want anything to do with me since there father & I separated. I had to leave him to save my sanity but now I’m thinking maybe I should have stayed for my children. My X is very heartless & has told the children lies about me. I don’t tell them anything about what there father has done to me during the marriage. I don’t think that would be right. As I watch them pull away from me, I’ve become very depressed & distant. They have always been my world & I adore them but I’m hurting so bad. I think about just removing myself from their lives often….it hurts so bad. Most days I wish I would just leave this world but at the same time I don’t want to hurt them. I’m not even sure if it would affect them that much. I lost my mother when I was young & ive endured so much hurt about that. I don’t want to do that to my kids but at the same time, I’m hurting so bad!! I am a lost soul!!
I wish I could tell the people closest to me that I want to end it all.. I wish someone would say: “It’s okay, you can let go.”
I just want to end the pain, the sadness, the constant voice in my head saying that I’m not good enough for anyone or anything.
Last night I was told that nobody will ever love me. I believed that I was destined for love. Now I don’t believe in it anymore.
Does it make me a sinner for wanting to die??
During a nervous breakdown I bulrted out I WANT TO KILL MYSLEF. Instead of an understanding conversation I got an hour lecture by Sandra because she is more un happy than me and she is out 80gs because of this town….only becuase “I TOLD HER TO BUY IT. ” and how everything that happen before November was a figment of my Imagination and How I destroyed my life she told me That she will send me home if I really want to kill myself she dose not know why. So she will call my mother in the morning if the feeling dose not pass……on the drive home she told me she thinks I never loved her son ….wich is a bunch fucking bullshit I Never cared I would not be here right know I would of nevet married him …You retriggered my depression. While waitind for the car my husband told me I beter think long and hard if I wanna leave him again .But he is the one that got on a plane and abandoned me for christmas. Sandra also said if I go home I will make a bigger mistake. …..how do they get in my head like this and make feel crazy when I know im not .
Just got pulled away inthe middle of writeing this to be told how much I don’ t care about this people and how selfish I am and I for the past six months since I have been so self fish …..my husband is upset with me my inlwas are fine if I left especially my mother in law . I was able to convince them I It was just wrong wording and and not what Im reall feeling its a good thing I keeped my sacrs hidden . the fat woman gave me a nerve pill.
All I heat is how I dont care about the money they spet and how I dont want to help them out of the whole and me being this sad is overdramatic. My husbad anger for my for my father over powers his sence of my feeling and if im ok . he lies constly yet i dont want the marige over Im really am crazy I hope O die in my sleep please. My feelings never mattered not once yet im staying and im gonna fight with my family for it and I dont know why i just feel traped and the way take me to more suffering then I am kniw either way if i leave or stay I will end problay dead . I have no home. I have no my husband will feel bad for himslef beacuase thats who really cares for I dont he ever care for my feelings ever not once if i need space he get more clingy if i need help he disperse if i neet to talk he dosent listen vut yet i stay becuasr. I dont want to hurt him . I i never stop crying .
He would not put his anger past him to make sure ok he used it as guilt against me he hate me and that make my chest hurt .I deserved to be dead and not about of these peoples world beause I must the wring one i am really isane broken person it all my fualt .
It was almost magical, the way we met. We had talked online occasionally for a few months before, on and off. The day before she went back to school from spring break, she told me where her home was. Only a 30 minute drive from where I lived. We immediately decided to meet. When we met we exchanged stuffed animals. She thought I was going to take her to Taco Bell. I ended up sharing a plate of pasta with her in a restaurant, then brought her home where we watched a movie. Her head was in my lap, and looking deep in each others’ eyes, we shared our first kiss. When I brought her home I lightly touched my lips where she had kissed. She looked back at me, giggled, and waved goodbye.
Over the next few months we talked a lot. She had a habit of not staying in contact with anyone, friends and family included, but she made an exception for me. I was someone she “never knew she wanted.” She wanted to be with me forever. She wanted to have a life with me. At least, that’s what she said. We had an incredible year with nothing but happiness and love. She was a virgin when she met me, and she felt like she could trust me with her first time; the first night we made love, she was shaking. She was having second thoughts. I told her she didn’t have to do anything she didn’t want, and showed her a present I had gotten her: a beautiful coat made of velvet. I wrapped her in it and kissed her. Immediately, she stopped shaking. She relaxed. When we broke he kiss she looked in my eyes and told me she wanted me to be her first, she was sure of it now.
We had an incredible year. I introduced her to my friends, she ingrained herself in every part of my life. She accepted me the way no other girl ever had. I told her about my past; being abused and used by many girls, sleeping around and not having serious relationships afterwards. Most girls bristled when I told them. Not her. She took my hand and said it didnt matter, she loved me. I let go of my past. I let go of the resentment and anger. She showed me I could love fully. She was my soul mate. At least, I believed so.
i found out she had depression by accident. she accidentally left an empty pill bottle in my house and was terrified id leave her. I just said she had to be truthful with me. She said she would never lie to me again. She seemed to have it under control so I didn’t hound her any more about it.
The night before it happened she talked to me for five hours, a bit longer than usual. I thought it was just homesickness, since she had just gone back to school. There was no fight, no page argument or slammed doors. No shouting or screaming. A nice, everyday chat between lovers, so I thought. The next day I was walking out of a grocery store after buying a sandwich. Valentines decorations were just put up and I thought about how I’d surprise her. The taste of the sandwich was still in my mouth when I got the call from the police station. I still taste it whenever I eat now.
“are you her boyfriend? Don’t worry, you’re not in trouble.”
“yes” I didn’t worry about being in trouble.
“did you two have a fight? Did you two break up?”
“no, what happened? Is she okay?”
“no, she is not okay.”
They couldn’t tell me any more. Only family members, which I was not. I looked up news in her area. “College age girl involved in an accident.” Could be anyone but I knew. Deep in my heart I knew. I got confirmation from her parents that night.
the next few weeks and months were a spiral of self destruction. I have delusions she is still alive. Sometimes I still do. I dug into her life. Her parents were abusive and contributed to her suicide but she never told me. She had had attempts before but her parents didn’t help her. It explained why she only left me a suicide note and nobody else.
I am still devastated. Every day I think of ending my life. She was the one. The girl is been searching for my whole life. It feels as if my soul, my very being has been torn out and my body just wants to join it. I hate her for breaking every promise she made me. She was mine and I was hers. It was how it was supposed to be. I love her more than anything in the world. I want her to come home to me. Come home to me so we could have the life we dreamed of.
The last thing she ever said to me was “I love you. I’ll talk to you tomorrow! Can’t wait.”
Im still waiting. and I still love her.
I am still suicidal. It’s not getting better, I’m just getting better at hiding it. I have the plan formulated in my head. I know what it’d do to people around me but I hurt so badly, my life is over, what do I have to live for? If there’s an afterlife I can go find her and we can be together forever like we said. If there isn’t then I’ll have gone to sleep forever. Sleep is when I hurt the least anyway.
I had just found my reason to live and it was torn away from me. She told me to find someone else, that she was easily replaceable, but then said over and over how much she loved me. What do I do with that?
I’ll be quite honest here. I’m barely holding myself together. My family has such high hopes for me, but I just can’t handle this. As soon as I graduated I was thrown into college, being told “I know you, if you take a break you won’t go back.” Maybe that’s true, but maybe when I imagined college I had dreamed of doing something that involved something I love, like art or music. I never imagined I’d be sitting in a class room with these people who are always over dressed and at least twice my age. I never once thought I’d be a business major. It’s like they clipped my wings and told me I had to be a caterpillar.
I know that from my family and friend’s point of view I’m just so bright and positive, and I am sometimes. The thoughts still linger though, they’re still there. Even if I’m having a great day the thoughts of what it’d be like if I wasn’t here are still there in the back of my mind. It makes me feel horrible, really. My parents deserve a child who isn’t always having mood swings and has to come apologize for the things they say when it comes to an argument. I’ve already apologized to them so much just this week. I mean, apologizing is good, but I wish there wasn’t a need to apologize.
Anyways, I should calm down and finish my work… I have school in a few hours also.
I hope everyone has a good day… and if you can’t have a good day, just have a day.
In the beginning
They were just two kids
One lived with depression
The other lived in bliss
They found a new feeling
On June 26
Their world changed forever
After the first kiss
At times life felt jaded
But they knew
They couldn’t be separated
Throughout their time
Love never faded
But always dissipated
On this one day
He could see red blood
But the sky turned grey
His angel had left
He started to decay
Sweet lovely death
She flew away
The still young child
Wept through the dreamland
He was walking alone
Though he could barely stand
He felt something warm
Grab his cold hand
He fell to the ground crying
He knew it was his woman
I found my true love long ago… she was just -god she was beautiful but that’s not why I love her. There was many factors to why I do, but the biggest was her ability to make me laugh.
We have been dating for almost 10 months and have completely given each other our souls to keep..
There’s one more thing I forgot to mention: she had depression. Really, really bad depression. I don’t want to give a 2 hour long backstory at the moment, but if you’re interested, just ask.
Moreover, I think she killed herself today… “think?” You might ask. The answer is yes. I think because she texted (after a really bad night, last night), “I’m sorry for what I’m about to do.” I haven’t been able to get contact with her since.
I think she might have been sent to a place where she can get “help”… her mom has been acting strange, but she hasn’t told me she’s dead so.. I don’t know.
I think that I’m past the point of being depressed. Feeling has gotten old and I’m tired of it.
I was doing good for a little while, after I had attempted and survived my first suicide attempt in high school. I found things that helped, like meditation and mindfulness.
I read some self help books that really changed the way I think (I’m only mentioning this incase someone reads this, I HIGHLY recommend you read some books by Eckhart Tolle: A New Earth & The Power Of Now)
I used to be a good person. I don’t know if I am anymore. It’s been a while since anyone said I was good. All of my relationships (not just romantic ones) are ephemeral. They don’t last. I also can’t keep a job because I don’t get along with people. I try. Me giving them the cold shoulder is offensive to them, but I just don’t always feel like talking and I don’t mean to be rude to them. I had two jobs in the past week, four in the past month. That’s really how bad it is. People don’t seem to understand. I’m nice, just not talkative. I seem like an asshole because it’s not easy to smile. I try to be more upbeat, and I’m jealous of people who are – I don’t want to grow up to be like one of those miserable, old, and bitter ladies.
Even today someone told me that I’m a bad person, and I believed it. I don’t know, though. He’s manipulative. He’s manipulated me into believing a lot of negative things about myself, but I can’t cut him out of my life because he’s the only one who stays and who can tolerate me. He told me today that I am a sad, miserable person and that no one wants to be around me. He accuses me of yelling at him when I speak in a calm tone. And yes I already know that he is most definitely a psychopath or a sociopath, and positively, a narcissist.
I don’t have a lot of money, obviously, because I don’t have a lot of income. I’ve worked so many jobs the past couple of months that I didn’t even get the chance to give them my void check and just the thought of going in and giving one is dreadful. The smallest tasks seem so difficult, and it’s overwhelming. My to-do list is too long.
I am stuck on a lease, where my abusive roommate had left recently. I was emotionally abused , and also afraid that I would get physically hurt,as she;s even admitted to having cannibalistic tendencies (Messed up, right?) I slept with a knife. She was a very angry person and would get really mad at small things and try to make me miserable. I’ve never initiated any argument. I don’t like fighting.
I seem to only attract the most terrible people in my life, and I feel like this is why I think that maybe I’m not good myself, if these are the only friends I can make.
I’m 22 years old. My last relationship ended when I was fifteen. My boyfriend had actually committed suicide himself. Ever since I wasn’t able to date again. I don’t know if any of my friends know this, they probably heard of it. But, no one knows how much it has affected me and how much it still affects me. I still feel like he is haunting me and he’s always there, and I want him to go away so badly.
People think that I’m afraid of relationships and my friends back home think I’m someone I’m not. They think I’m this little mouse who is afraid of life.
I moved away to a new city, where I didn’t know anyone, two years ago. I did it to find a better life, but it just got worse, and really lonely. I hate having to go to bed, and I hate having to wake up and restart another day the same as the last. I’m young and I’m wasting so much of my youth doing this, but there’s really nothing I can do. Trust me, I try so hard. I try to be optimistic. I’m not the type to feel sorry about myself every hour of the day.
I have this secret life no one knows about. I’ve been mourning for so long. All my childhood friends have even died. I always expect death and I’m kind of numb to it.
I have severe chronic pain. Even right now I have a hard time looking at the screen because I’m in so much pain. My neurologist said it’s because of stress and anxiety. So, if I could help myself, I would. It’s just too hard to fight.
Nothing good ever happens to me, nothing good has ever happened to me. When something good comes around, I try really hard, but I don’t get excited anymore, because it always turns to shit. I don’t have friends or family. I think that maybe if I had someone to talk to, that would help tremendously, but people are too caught up into their own lives and no one really cares about anyone but themselves these days.
If nothing good happens soon, I want to die. But, I don’t, if that makes sense. I’d rather have it good than to die.
i’m new. to the site, at least, not to being suicidal. but i like writing and i was told once i should get more people to read it, so thought maybe this would be a good place to put this?
I breathe with the beating of my heart and lose it all so easily,
something of some significance slipping through my fingers.
Farewell, goodbye, good riddance, freedom and fear follow suit;
I’m gone, I’m gone, I’m gone.
I had a post a couple days ago where I mentioned I was very seriously considering killing myself that day. I don’t think anyone saw it so it probably doesn’t matter, but in case anyone did wonder, I’m still here.
Anyway, my therapist told me she thinks I am self-aware and articulate, and I’m pretty much still reeling from the fact that someone who has any insight into the inner workings of my mind would have anything even remotely complimentary to say. So there’s that, I guess.