I am constantly told what I should be, what I should do, who I ‘am’. What is expected of me. and I am NONE of those things. I am not actively suicidal, I am just hoping that life kills me. I am not motivated. I am not looking to improve my life.
So my dad told me today that our family is getting family counseling after a huge spat on Tuesday. Good news I guess; my parents will probably change at least a little, and I might be able to get a prescription out of it.
What my brain apparently told me today:
1. Get a small coffee but refill it way more times than you should. Repeat until hands tremble, and blinking no longer makes logical sense.
2. Hold the nearest pencil without dropping it, and draw a picture of Alan Ominous’s avatar on the back of your receipt.
(His avatar is “Crazy Eyes” from the Adam Sandler movie “Mr. Deeds”. Google it to see a plethora of eyes going in separate directions.)
3. Stop after 40 minutes, no matter how BAD the drawing looks. Ignore the buzzing sound in your head as you take a picture of the drawing and post it […]
Hii… My name is Arianna, yesterday I posted on here that I tried to overdose… I did try, but fortunately it did not kill me.. I’ve been vomiting for 2 hours now.. Idk what I took, all I know it had 600 milligrams (is it milligrams or am I just dumb?) for each pill. I took 30, at the least… I did not go to the hospital and yes my parents found out.. I had told them I was bisexual and that I selfharm.. We didn’t go to the hospital because my mom thought she would lose her job ._. My mom told me that […]
so I’ve recently heard the piece of advice from lots of people- on here and in real life- to remember that parents are only human. I appreciate the advice and yes, I do in fact realize that my parents are also prone to mistakes.
but I know when people mean what they say. my mother is a lawyer for a living. obviously this does not mean that she says the right thing all the time, or that she doesn’t have outbursts of things she doesn’t really mean. but she literally reads contracts to make sure people say what they mean so that they can be legally […]
mother has been in the hospital for the last three days they thought she had a stroke or a heart attack . my mother has had paraplegic migraines and sist on the center of her brain . She was been sick since I was 10 or 11. ..now if she has relapased She will be like she was before was really bad I dont remember much becuase I shut those memories away.
Now the doctor said he found scaring on the brain the was scaring from the past but it might be new or if the sist grew that will be brain surgery.
There was no heart […]
I have a friend, and our relationship had grown into something more. I have known that she has leukemia that has been in remission for a few years, but it’s back. After a long conversation she told me that she love’s me, and…. I have to say I love her too. Even with the things going on in our lives, I still assured her I was here for the long haul. I don’t want her to feel alone or like she has to face this alone like she did the first time. After a divorce that completely crushed me, I stayed alone […]
Short update here. Feeling peaceful. No manifestos to offer today about fish or flowers. No art as I seem to have ended this methodical obsessive streak for the time being. I sat and watched two movies last night. Was just in the moment. The movies were not life changing movies they were just silly things. Pure silly entertainment. A friend told me yesterday that is important. Doing silly things just because. There doesn’t have to be some kind of life changing revelation in every moment I take in. Sometimes it is just sitting […]
The only two friends that i have in college do not speak to me anymore.
I really liked them as my friends and i build a great friendly relationship with them but I’ve been noticing some strange behavior from them.
My two friends are guys and i’m a girl.
Anyways, we are all in the same class and I’ve been noticing that when i have a conversation with one of them- the other walks away.
And For example- we wrote a script individually for the class we are in and i asked both of them to be in it and one of them ask me […]
I have this habit whenever I’m down of the cycle, I tend to purposely piss off people around me. I want them to hate me because apparently my hate for myself is not enough to pull the trigger. I want them to hate me so they would feel less bad about my death.
But then again, someone special told me that making them hate me doesn’t change the fact that they care for me.
But then again, my stupid excuse is habit. Or maybe I’m just accumulating this giant ball of hate to swallow.
I want to break up with my lover for this stupid reason. But I […]
I’ve been battling depression since the age of 13. In my community depression is seen as a sin. So I developed an outer shell that showed the world all was well. At 33 almost 34 married to a loving wife and 2 beautiful daughters, how is it that I can be so blessed yet so empty? Why do I consider death as a reprieve?
People, when I have broached the subject tell me it’s all in my mind, I opened up to my wife and she says she’ll help but is indifferent towards me now. I’m not even hanging on by a thread and up […]
My children 17 & 15 really don’t want anything to do with me since there father & I separated. I had to leave him to save my sanity but now I’m thinking maybe I should have stayed for my children. My X is very heartless & has told the children lies about me. I don’t tell them anything about what there father has done to me during the marriage. I don’t think that would be right. As I watch them pull away from me, I’ve become very depressed & distant. They have always been my world & I adore them but I’m hurting so bad. […]
I wish I could tell the people closest to me that I want to end it all.. I wish someone would say: “It’s okay, you can let go.”
I just want to end the pain, the sadness, the constant voice in my head saying that I’m not good enough for anyone or anything.
Last night I was told that nobody will ever love me. I believed that I was destined for love. Now I don’t believe in it anymore.
Does it make me a sinner for wanting to die??
During a nervous breakdown I bulrted out I WANT TO KILL MYSLEF. Instead of an understanding conversation I got an hour lecture by Sandra because she is more un happy than me and she is out 80gs because of this town….only becuase “I TOLD HER TO BUY IT. ” and how everything that happen before November was a figment of my Imagination and How I destroyed my life she told me That she will send me home if I really want to kill myself she dose not know why. So she will call my mother in the morning if the feeling dose not pass……on the […]
It was almost magical, the way we met. We had talked online occasionally for a few months before, on and off. The day before she went back to school from spring break, she told me where her home was. Only a 30 minute drive from where I lived. We immediately decided to meet. When we met we exchanged stuffed animals. She thought I was going to take her to Taco Bell. I ended up sharing a plate of pasta with her in a restaurant, then brought her home where we watched a movie. Her head was in my lap, and looking deep in each others’ […]
I’ll be quite honest here. I’m barely holding myself together. My family has such high hopes for me, but I just can’t handle this. As soon as I graduated I was thrown into college, being told “I know you, if you take a break you won’t go back.” Maybe that’s true, but maybe when I imagined college I had dreamed of doing something that involved something I love, like art or music. I never imagined I’d be sitting in a class room with these people who are always over dressed and at least twice my age. I never once thought I’d be a business major. […]
In the beginning
They were just two kids
One lived with depression
The other lived in bliss
They found a new feeling
On June 26
Their world changed forever
After the first kiss
At times life felt jaded
But they knew
They couldn’t be separated
Throughout their time
Love never faded
But always dissipated
On this one day
He could see red blood
But the sky turned grey
His angel had left
He started to decay
Sweet lovely death
She flew away
The still young child
Wept through the dreamland
He was walking alone
Though he could barely stand
He felt something […]
I think that I’m past the point of being depressed. Feeling has gotten old and I’m tired of it.
I was doing good for a little while, after I had attempted and survived my first suicide attempt in high school. I found things that helped, like meditation and mindfulness.
I read some self help books that really changed the way I think (I’m only mentioning this incase someone reads this, I HIGHLY recommend you read some books by Eckhart Tolle: A New Earth & The Power Of Now)
I used to be a good person. I don’t know if I am anymore. It’s been a while since anyone […]
i’m new. to the site, at least, not to being suicidal. but i like writing and i was told once i should get more people to read it, so thought maybe this would be a good place to put this?
I breathe with the beating of my heart and lose it all so easily,
something of some significance slipping through my fingers.
Farewell, goodbye, good riddance, freedom and fear follow suit;
I’m gone, I’m gone, I’m gone.
it’s short but it’s here.
I had a post a couple days ago where I mentioned I was very seriously considering killing myself that day. I don’t think anyone saw it so it probably doesn’t matter, but in case anyone did wonder, I’m still here.
Anyway, my therapist told me she thinks I am self-aware and articulate, and I’m pretty much still reeling from the fact that someone who has any insight into the inner workings of my mind would have anything even remotely complimentary to say. So there’s that, I guess.