I have been self harming for as far back as i could remember. I think it started when i was about 10ish. I would bank my head against the wall to stop what ever was going on in my head at the time. I would love to see the bruises develop on areas I hurt. I was always known as the accident prone child. I remember one time i must have been about 12. I threw myself off my bike and scraped myself down a brick wall. I would try and keep under the radar by not making the injuries obvious. I progressed to cutting by the time i was about 13/14. I found i could get a greater feeling of calm if i i dug at my skin with a compass. this quickly moved on to cutting with the blades from a sharpener and razor blades. Although now at nearly 30 I still cut but I also use prescription drugs like sleeping pills to numb the pain. I’ve also been known to overdose on weight loss drugs. I have a lot of scars which makes becoming intimate with someone harder for me. I think the main reasons for my self harm were to battle against the feelings of not being good enough from things i now realise as an adult were not my fault and I had no control over. for me i dont think ill ever consider myself cured because self harm I believe isnt curable its manageable. I’m not even sure self harm is a problem.This is a question I still ponder on. Why is it more socially acceptable to bury your problems at the bottom of a bottle and to not function at all than to self harm discreetly and be a functioning member of society. I’m not saying that self harm is the best method of coping but at least (for me) it keeps my mind quiet and I am able to attempt some sort of normality. And scientificly with the rush of endorphins after the cut helps me to sleep. I’m not a threat to anyone besides myself. I struggle daily at the moment last cutting 5 days. I have come to the conclusion that i will end my life its just a matter of when, one thing that keeps me going is that my parents struggle financially and that i dont want them to stress about funeral costs. What no one knows is im saving money and once i can afford the funeral ill emd my life and everything will be paid for.