Fake

I get this feeling like everything around me is fake. And by fake I don’t mean, like, not real. I know some people have trouble with differentiating reality and unreality, but that’s not me(well, i don’t think). When I say fake, I mean insincere, without genuine feeling or life, mediocrity somehow passing as being better than it is.

Let me give some examples

It starts with like the food I eat, how little care went into its processing or to the animals that were slaughtered, the packaging, the assembly line factories

The clothes I wear, again, how weightless the feel on my body, processed without feeling and worn only because I’m required to, you know, wear clothes that look vanilla and won’t cause any social disturbance

And I start to think about even the house I live in, where even my lawn isn’t the same grass that was here before, it all got cleared away so it could look better, gallons of sweat poured into half-assed designs in a neighborhood where all the houses look exactly the same. There is a golf course behind my house, and don’t even get me started on that. I can’t escape the sound of the lawnmowers, sad adults begrudgingly cutting their grass in the heat so that they wont get booted from this shitty and plain-ass neighborhood.

I try to think about something that’s real, which is mostly shit like the untouched forest or something stupid like that. I just kind of hold stuff like that dear. Like, when after a snowfall, in the country it’s deathly silent, or in a field where you can only hear the wind and you can feel the warm sun on your cheek, and you can smell the sweet grass

Yessss it sounds so pretentious but I get so anxious and claustrophobic feeling this way, like it’s all closing down on me and I can’t breathe. Well, yeah, as if there’s no escape from the fakeness.

I’ve been suicidal for about, eh, let’s say four years? But I’ve never actually acted on it because, yeah there’s people in my life who would be really messed up if i died. But there are times like these when I feel like I need to just run away from everything and everyone, like I just need to get in my car and drive. But where would I go? What would I do?

My idea is to find someplace in the forest where people don’t visit too often, drive out there, and maybe hang around for a little bit before dying, so that I can just decompose naturally there. But, they would probably still find me and put me in a coffin. ugh.

I just would like to become a part of the Earth again, but I can’t, and I won’t, at least not for a while.

I’m not really asking for comments on this, but if you want to that’s fine. I just might not answer it since I’m kind of paranoid right now? Sorry you had to read all this.