Tomorrow I start my fifth year of college.
Yikes.
This year I finish degree #1. I student teach in the spring, and in the fall I do…everything else. I’m overwhelmed to say the least. I’m saddled with things I have to do and missing opportunities that I wanted to have due to factors I have no control over. I feel as if I’ve lost control of my life, but I don’t know if I was ever in control to begin with.
This summer has felt like a blur. I’ve let people down and felt the world crumble around my feet. I’ve spent days upon days in bed, feeling so much pain. Emotional pain. Physical pain. Everything hurts.
I want to die.
I don’t want to kill myself.
But I want to die.
If I could find a way to quickly and painlessly kill myself without it looking like a suicide, I’d be the happiest person alive, right up until I wasn’t.
Maybe if I hope really hard, I’ll just drop dead.
I hope so, because I don’t know how much more I can take.
2 comments
I want to die too, but I don’t really want to kill myself.
I went to a full time college. Five days a week, year round. So basically like a job only you pay them with your soul and quite a few thousand dollars. I hated it there. It made me so depressed and anxious. I got so bad I stopped going for awhile until they sent me a letter saying I missed too many days and was going to be kicked out. I wrote an appeal and stayed in because I knew if I got kicked out literally everyone would think I was a failure.
I wanted to graduate so people would be proud of me. They were for like two weeks then everyone expected me to have a job in my field of study already. Now I’m in a job I hate working with people who hate me.
Basically I just live my life for others now, until some accident happens to me.
My story doesn’t help. I know and apologize, but you’re not alone. Just hang in there, this tunnel has to have an end eventually, doesn’t it?
there are levels of suicidality.
level 1 – boss fight = intermittent thoughts of wishing to disappear
level 2 – boss fight = thinking in terms of death
level 3 – boss fight = considering concrete methods to accomplish death
level 4 – boss fight = making said plan to actualize death with choice method
level 5 – boss fight = investing resources in acquiring and accomplishing death method
level 6 – boss fight = death and/or serenity/ peace/ non existence/ dasjlflafsjalhlskfalh
Since i’ve traversed all but level 6 I can’t really relate with you being at level 1. But just know if you want to continue playing this suicide video game it gets a whole lot deeper. and fun. and dark. I liken this game to Dark Souls 2. It’s not really fun for the average gamer and turns more into an alternate reality and avenue of frustration than “fun”.