where do i start?
How about with the life everyone thought i had – hell i even deluded myself into believing it for awhile – and then the rape and then the child and i can’t say if the 2 happened at the same time and now that grown little girl is crying her eyes out over a tiny cut her Mother made on her wrist- she called her brother – didn’t ask me anything… I don’t blame her – I wasn’t there for her like i should have been – ever.. I’ve tried to be there now – but she saw the cut – it was not meant to be seen. So now my son’s wife calls me begging me to get help- fuck its all blowing up in my face – I CANT TELL THEM – I want to – I CANT – why would i give more shit than anyone deserves to the people I love and want to protect most in this life- so I have to hold it all in – pretend everything is Okay and that I’m getting help and that they’re fears are unfounded when all I want to do is STOP FUCKING BREATHING. You sonofabitch – you did this to me – you did this to me then and you’re causing this now and I am supposed to pretend that everything in Norman Rockwell’s little perfect family portrait is all just fucking peachy. You bastard – you lying sack of shit.. And that’s just the edge – that’s not anywhere NEAR the pain .. and I AM FUCKED if they see what I did to my leg. FUCK YOU TO HELL AND BACK – YOU FUCKING EXPLAIN IT TO THEM YOU WHO MADE ME INTO THE BATSHIT CRAZY ASS ************ I HAVE BECOME – happy?? CONGRATUFUCKINGLATIONS
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Yeah I try to keep it all to myself too. Lucky my mum thinks I’m well now even though I think of suicide nearly every fucking hour. How will getting help stop me from wanting to end it all. It won’t.