Anxiety is the worst – dear god I feel like I’m going to lose what’s left of my mind…
You could go back and do it differently – because you know the way you’ve done it caused this mess you have under your feet…
Would you change it? Would changing what YOU did with your life actually matter? Or are you doomed to live a life of lies and deceit because ‘that’s what’s in the cards’?
Can you stomach this ‘life’ day after day? Same after same? More after more? Seemingly without end? A constant battle of opening your eyes to fresh daylight when all you want is eternal sleep. …so that feeling can die?
Peace – Will there ever be peace? I don’t think so – not in this life – but to me – peace in death – would be enough, if everything – everything – would just shut the fuck up.
No more I love yous – no more pain – no more lying beside my own shadow
That would be enough. That would fix this agonizing monotony – circle of life? wheel of death? aren’t they the same thing?
I’m tired… and I want to be done.. can I please be done?
To add insult to injury,
The person I said goodbye to – turned out to be a snake… I seem to be awfully good at finding nothing but snakes… He turned on me – bit me – made me bleed… all for his own pleasure… all at my expense. I have only one friend – and told him what happened – my friend explained to me that these snakes seek people like me out, and that I should not blame myself for what happened…
But I feel so much more broken than I already was.. and I didn’t even think that was possible. Now.. I just want what I did before all of this… to die…and to die quickly. Thank you snake, for putting me back on the path to the deep darkness which I’ve traveled for so long… I’d almost forgotten how the jagged rocks felt as they pierce the soles of my feet, and how the cold wind burns my face hot. Thank you snake for reminding me that I don’t like this place and time, that I have nobody, that I am not really supposed to be here. Thank you snake for opening my eyes to see beyond your spitting in my face, to see the faces of those that have passed on who I miss so very much.
FUCK YOU SNAKE you horrible awful bastard – HOW DARE YOU!?
Tears and bitter pain are what I have in my belly now – you horrible serpent
Tonight I said goodbye to him
Its breaking my heart – but there was never anything there but fantasy…still I sit here alone, again and again
The only constant in my life is this place…and its here I come when I’m drowning
So many nights I cry myself to sleep –
Is it just me? Does this happen to others – when you’re actually alone in your room
with nobody else around – do you feel more desperate than at other times of the day? Do you just beg the Creator to let you stop breathing – please? So that you won’t feel like this anymore? So that everything will just stop?
Why is it so much more difficult at night?
Tonight – I was accused of lying.
I never lie. The 3 relationships I had – all lied to me. For that reason, I would not lie to my own worst enemy. Its the vow I made to myself. And now, I’ve been unjustly accused. As if worsening depression, loneliness and mega anxiety weren’t enough – I now have someone that thinks I would stoop to the same level those bastards stooped to. And this someone claimed to care about me, wanted to spend time with me and gave me for the first time in a LONG time, companionship…
I don’t know whether to laugh at the thought that I could think ANYTHING could go good for me, cry myself to sleep again, or just step off of the bridge?
I’m so fucking done with this ‘life’ nothing but empty, jarring pain whenever I step away from the usual and try something new for myself. I just want to be – anywhere but here inside of my own brain.
Forgot for awhile – now I remember. Loneliness never leaves, it just waits around the dark corner. You find a person, you think they care – and maybe they do in their own mind, but to you, its just another ‘there, there, it’ll be better next week’ pat on the head.
How ridiculous am I, after all these years to think that things would get better? Change? Improve? More alone ‘with’ someone than I already was… just what am I supposed to do with that?
I am, we are(not), I still am Nothing gets better
My new favourite fucking holiday…
Dumped by the guy that claimed to love me no matter what tonight – supposed to be a date … never made it there. Now he’s happily playing video games with his buddies and I’m here typing on this forum trying to figure out why the fuck I would believe someone who told me that in the first place.
I remain – alone
Its not like this is new – not like I haven’t felt it before.. but every time, it feels like I’m slipping away, further from the light, further from help – if there is any. I tried to do it last summer – I couldn’t go through with it, couldn’t let go. So now, night after night, tear stained pillows, stuffy noses and an unquenchable longing for someone else to be beside me fills me with sorrow and despair. So much good when I was little, so many bad things happened to me in the three relationships I had. They bled me dry of all the good – and now, here I am – what’s left of me… a shattered, broken shell… alone and empty
I just want to sleep and never wake up – every night I pray – Please take me now – I’m ready to go… And every morning – the cycle repeats.
I’m so tired, so hurt, so sad, so finished. Can someone please make it stop? Please?
Lied to the doctor ..Told him, I feel great, mood is good, sleep is good, all I know is that I want off of these damned meds once and for all… I’ve lost over 20lbs since I came off the last ones and I’m not in a fog. I fucking hate being a zombie .. just to survive?? That’s not good enough anymore.
I am so fucking lonely it hurts to breathe.. I can’t figure out what to do – I’ve tried to ‘put myself out there’ and the one connection I managed to make doesn’t seem to want to talk to me. The crying starts when I lay my head on my pillow, til I fall asleep.. and then I continue to wake up – WHY DO I HAVE TO WAKE UP?? Can I just PLEASE sleep?
Sometimes it feels like there’s this cosmic joke and the punchline is my life.
Its like there’s someone handing out weed brownies and every time its my turn to get one, they run out. EVERY DAMN TIME…
If I was only a feather
Death’s wind come blow
Carry me over the edge
To the field of daisies below
You thought things couldn’t get worse?
…then today happened…
and the wheel turns, another spin, go around the corner, it begins again
Another ‘relationship’ failed before it even began, honestly I can’t figure out why I bother trying.
I’m so fuckingly, desperately lonely that all I want is a pair of arms wrapped around me while I cry.
This life has been such a waste – I don’t know why I am still here, I just take up space that someone useful might be needed for.
I think nobody can see me
I do not matter
When I cry, I cry alone
Life goes on without me
People live their lives and don’t notice me
Or ask if I’m okay.
I must be invisible – or maybe I’ve died inside so many times
I really am a ghost
.. I don’t belong here
So, I’ve been able to get off some of my more horrendous meds, because someone recommended that I try probiotics. He told me that they are starting to look at depression differently from a scientific point of view and they are seeing actual cures from depression using probiotics. Not saying this will work for everyone, but for me it was worth trying and so far it has worked. The studies are not all finished yet to back up the claims, but they are finding incredible things happening to people – good things. Certain probiotics are better than others for anxiety and depression so its best to take one with a large number of different strains. Also, only buy the kind that needs refrigeration – they degrade otherwise.
I just thought I’d share this because I know that if someone else had the mess of a life I did and was finding something that was working, I’d want to know about it, so that I could try it too. For what its worth –
So, I thought I was making a connection with someone..starting to feel something inside
I found out today he has a baby- and therefore a relationship- not at all expected
I felt my heart drop into my gut.
More fuel for the fire .. and so very foolish of me to think that things *might … you know the rest
They tell us how to live – they don’t tell us how to let go
Why does it always come back? For awhile, things are okay…not as anxious, not as depressed, and then, like finding that letter you thought you’d mailed in your pocket…your heart sinks when you realize, you are standing in the same place you have already been… I thought I’d moved forward… Turns out, I was only dreaming
When winter comes
The Earth sleeps
Beneath a blanket
When my winter comes
I shall feel no more
Under a blanket