Rough Times

A lot of you probably don’t care, but I just need it in writing, or something to come back and read later to know it’s real.

My uncle died last night.

You’re probably thinking “Oh, it’s just her uncle. Not like it’s an immediate family member.” But my entire family is close. I’m talking my mom’s side is friends with my dad’s side and vice versa. And everything that could possibly be turned into a family event is. So whenever anyone dies, both sides come together and mourn and we all fall apart inside.

I digress.

Him and my brother (24) got in a farming accident and my uncle died. They were changing a tractor tire and it exploded on them. My brother was on top of the tire (safe-ish) and my uncle was to the side next to the rim, bent over with his face right in front of the tire (not safe). Then it exploded so hard it shot my brother up and smacked him against the ceiling of a barn that’s two stories tall, leaving him to fall two stories to the cement ground. My uncle got all that pressure to his vulnerable, bent over body and too-close face. He was a thin man, so no fat to absorb the shock. If you’ve ever fallen on your butt and got the wind knocked out of you and you struggled to catch your breath, imagine having a giant tractor tire exploding with all of it’s pressure, enough to shoot a 200 pound man two stories into the air, being thrust into your entire body and face. He lay there, face all bloodied and red like a hundred airbags hit him all at once. Gasping for every breath his body could take in, but it looked like being a fish out of water. Some magical way, my brother landed perfectly. He fell two stories to a cement ground but only received some possible whiplash, some bruises, and a fucked up mental/emotional state. Before yesterday, my brother was the most normal and emotionally stable one in our family. After my uncle was life-lined, he just kept saying it was all his fault. This happened about 3 pm yesterday. When the life-line people showed up he asked what are my uncle’s chances and they said they looked pretty good. I guess from the outside, but something must have ruptured inside my uncle that he couldn’t come back from. My uncle was pronounced dead at 7 pm. The life-line people also said my brother should’ve been a lot worse than what he was, possibly even dead. This tore my brother up even worse. He has survivors guilt extremely bad. He thinks he killed our uncle, and he thinks it should’ve been him, or that he shouldn’t have come out as clean as he did while he watched my uncle go through all of that. There was nothing he could’ve done for him. There’s no way he could’ve known that was going to happen.

I told him yesterday could’ve been a lot worse and we could’ve lost two family members. I am deeply upset we lost our uncle, especially the way we did, but I am also so thankful to still have my brother alive and well. So I will cry for the loss of my uncle and the joy of still having my brother with us. There is nothing anyone and my brother can do for our uncle, except be there for his wife and daughter.

As for my brother, I don’t know what to do with him. I’m afraid he’s going to do something stupid. He didn’t want to talk or listen to anyone. Late last night a bunch of family came over to be there for my brother because he couldn’t even make coherent sentences he was so traumatized. He went outside to call my uncle’s son, who’s my brother’s age, and tell him what happened. We left him alone for that call. Then he disappeared. We found him ten minutes later on top of a silo three stories high. He said he wasn’t going to do anything, just sit there and think. But I’m afraid we’re not going to get back the same guy we had before. I’m worried for him.