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Let me tell you something, as long as you think that you tried and didn’t fake to try then it wasn’t ”not enough” don’t let such a stupid thing such as ”normality” rule you, you are your, you aren’t someone that should be judged and compared to others. Basically nobody can be ”not enough” they are themselves. Society just put rules for people who are too weak to rule themselves and they put “normality” to make them productive for their own good. But from what I read you are plenty strong to be able to live under these circumstances, even if you have suicidal though so you should be able to rule yourself. If the society wants to rule you why don’t you just rule yourself? I’m not saying that you should go against your belief and what you were taught or something like that. I’m just saying that you should try to open something like a pad on your computer and write what you aren’t ok with, what you are ok with and how you would like to live, then from that try to write your own self rules and live by those rules, don’t let other put you down, you have much more value as a human than that.