Sharing of my story

Why do I post my story?

1. I can and i have time.
2. To see how people react so works like a mirror reflecting my life.
3. Simplily a statistic data for researchers on human studies.

So whats the story?

1. For saving time and to be short. Im aged 27, living in a far east city, and had four of suicide attempts.

I was born in Hong kong 1988. In a normal family of Chinese. My dad has been a U.K. Police Force from his age of 18 till retired. Thats like a life time job for him.

At age of 3 i started to write and read Chinese. at age of 4 started write and read english. age of 6 started be interested in natural science and it became my whole life back then. i was keep acting like a scientist for the next 10 years, being doubtful, logic, and brave on breaking the tradition of the eastern culture, solving problems without difficulties at all. the only problem is my myopia and was genetic. was always having good school result, and always want to be a scientist myself. simplily a believer of science. like many of the modern people. i had some brothers.

At the age of 16, everythings started to change.

i had this chance to america, i mean to immigrate to U.S. and i did, i was living in my uncles house, going to high school and then it was like bang, i didnt realize you can be such free as being a man, seriously if you were borned and grew up in a eastern culture? the tense was so stress like you can only live by your parents control, or your teachers control, or your governments control. but this place (new york city) was just simpiliy cool and i was having a mental recovery of my wounds hurted during in my hong kong childhood.

but heres another dang. i experienced a complete out of control of life. i cut classes, i hang out with friends out night, forgetting about everything of being a student, just looking to fill up what i missed before and suddenly my aunt didnt like me that way and sent me back to hongkong and before i realize i had a chance to run away from my family, i was already on the plane flying back to H.K. after a year and a half living in U.S.

Sadness and anger took over me. since i have no money, I cant go back to U.S. or live without my parents in HK, i destroyed my green card with my anger, and live with sadness in HK, went back to high school taking the grade two years before. dang and then i noticed that i hated all these education structure of HK since ever just becuz it was hidden before donest mean i didnt hate it. tje structure was built as a slavery factory, people who came out of a college is called a certified slave. after this american trip i started to realize my life was meant for something else.

here my life changed again, i started in mythology, and all my 10 years of scientific, logic, explainable knowledge was dumped behind, like i have become someone else, i studied all the eastern and western mythic and religious stuff, it hit me, i have turned from a scientist into a Philosopher, and i had the iq enough for that since child, then i realsized for 18 years i was wasting my life living a lie.

at age of 18, i started to live without my parents, i ran away from my family forever and took my first job. you dont know how hard it is to live without a home until u do so i tried camping before as a scout but this isnt anything like that. i managed myself to living in a racket and go to office in the day time and nobody found out. i was pretty amazed by myself, the urge of freedom was so strong it drove me thought all these tough things.

but heres how i experience my downfall.

at age 21 i had become this very intelligent Philosopher thinking myself can solve almost all problems and life is a piece of cake. but no, becuz i accidently had reached the top of pilosophy, and there is still no answer to my life meaning, the fear there was so strong it wore me off.

there i started into mythology, the serect teachings, and religious. and bang, hit me again, there were so much extremely smart people and strong people and powerful people in history and they still dont have a conclusion of life. i got so depressed, like all of my life was a lie again and worse, all my philosophical solutions to my life? the same solutions which saved me from the chaos when i lost science? are then all collapsed in front of me.

i was like a walking dead, dumped all my stuff at home, all those books(i had like read over 10000 books in my life and owned 3000 in my life but i dumped them ALL) bought the whole room on a train traveled to tibet, to die, the trip spent 50hours.

was first time in tibet, but nothing interested me, i got wasted for like a month, then little money i had saved for my life is almost done with. my plan was to burn carbon and gas poison myself in a tent. but when i got everything ready? you cant light carbon in tibet becuz the oxygen was too thin. so dang i was like okay, it would be -30degree celsius in night so i would just freeze to death but i was weak, my will was too weak for such a rough suicide. i got up in the middle of night and rushed in a hotel. when i got back to HK, my money bearly let me survive until my first payment of first job i found after backed.

so now i had again changed, from a philospher into a mythologist, i started to realized my problem is my weakness of will, and spend all my life again to train my will. i started collect and study ancient texts and ancient knowledge, even scared stuff, i praticed anicent magic of world wide, since i am good at both chinese and english and smart and had this strong curiosity, i had no problem understanding the secret meaninga hidden in these ancient texts, once again i thought i was on the top of knowing magic but heres another huge depress built up.

magic is one hard thing to learn and worse, its request a lot of what you did in your past lives, a medium told me before i was a magician in my past live but i dont know it. heres the problem of my learning, i learned magic literally but not mentally, when i realized this i wasted another 3 years, and i took my 2nd suicide attempt on my aged of 24.

i was so sad and feeling so useless, like i dont deserve to this world like however hard i try i still wont able to get through this suffering of meaningless life. and most impotently, i wasnt doing good on magic training. this time i wanted to see if my will has increased, so i dumped all my books and stuff again, jumped off a cliff, which hurted my right foot pretty bad, bones were fine though, and tried to thirst to death. it was a summer night in a rocky beach, unwalkable, unswimable, i lyed there for 20 hours, my thoat was hot, but then a fishing boat stopped to get fish. i was broke, and screamed for help and the fishermen did, damn i was just too weak to let go of my body.

then i started to have archived something in magical sensing, but very little. butmy hatrad to the world and doubt to the meaning of life had never decreased, i just matured enough to hold it then. shit, i tried my 3rd suicide attempt soon enough, this time i bought this potassium chloride crystal and tried to make a fatal injection, but wow, it was so god damn pain in vein, and i gave up after 15minutes of poison dropping.

at age25 i started to use what ive learnt in my whole life, i tried to use my will to do extreme stuff and worked i managed to built a house in the middle of woods and no one found out, pretty amazed me that i can do this extremely hard things just combining my intelligence and my will, i started to believe in myself and live as an apprentice.

at age 26 i went to tibet again, to find a master to help me out, but i found no one who had suffered my pain before, monks thesedays are just rich people who seeking for retirement, never seen people like me who suffer from the pain of curiosity, which is here i showed you its painful enough for me to give up my life to find an answer. there in tibet i tried my 4th suicide attempt.

anyway here im, after half year in tibet i learned to peace myself down, and returned hongkong, still alive, because in all these 27yrs of search quest, i have found how to survive, but not why i live, whats the meaning, whats the purpose, i just didnt have the answer yet, all ive learnt is how to survive, and what iam doing now, but im still on that quest, of whats the meaning of my life, and will continue until im dead i guess.

the end

sorry for all the proper gramma or spells i dont care to correct thats one thing ive learnt foe the peace part =)