Stuck.

I’ve been super depressed since 7th grade. I thought about cutting all the time and wanted to kill myself. That’s all I would talk to my friends about, and I lost many because of that. All through high school I have been doing everything I can to get better, but nothing worked. I couldn’t tell my parents because they wouldn’t support me, which means I couldn’t get on medications for it. I was about at breaking point my freshman year of college. I just pushed through until my 18th birthday. I finally got into the doctor to get some medications and was expecting a quick fix, but that wasn’t the case. I found out meds take 6 weeks to work. After the first medication I realized it wasn’t going to work. There was something more going on with me. Turns out I have depersonalization/derealization disorder. I started doing counseling twice a week and just kept getting on new meds. A couple months ago we decided I should to EMDR therapy. I tried the other day and it didn’t work because of the dissociation. It made me feel even more hopeless. I’ve been on 7 different meds in 10 months and I’m starting to lose hope. I think about suicide on a daily basis and I get closer and closer to it each day. It scares me. I don’t want to give up, I want to get better but I just lost all hope. I don’t know what’s keeping me going but I’m getting to the point where I don’t care how it will affect other people. My counselor and my psychiatrist know, but they don’t have an answer. I’m lost. I don’t know what to do. My best friend who I trusted with this information told me she can’t handle hearing about it anymore because she felt powerless. She said next time she would call my mom. ?