I just want the pain to end
For years I have prayed for a terminal illness, something to to take me away from here. I had a chance of happiness once and I blew that. Every decision I have ever made has been a wrong one.
I know there are some people out there that love me but honestly I feel nothing. It doesn’t give me anything. I think on many levels they would be a lot better off without me.
I look in envy of those people who have something terminal. I pass funerals and think they are the lucky ones.
I wake up and begin my day by thinking how disappointed I am that I made it through the night. Then on comes the torture…
The mistakes I made are mine and nobody else is responsible. I torture myself with regret every minute of every day… nothing can ease the pain
I feel there is nothing but pain in the future
I have read a lot of posts on this site and they seem to be from young people. If I had spoken to the right people when I was younger then I know I wouldn’t be this mess. I hope for all of you out there than you do reach out to the right people that can help.
I think its too late for me now…
Good Luck to you all
16 comments
I hear you. When I started getting ill last year I prayed it wouldn’t be what I thought (a chronic illness). If it had been terminal, it would have brought me peace – which is all any of us want. Regret is an agonising emotion, useful if it can help someone to change something but unnecessary when it hangs over you indefinitely. I know how hard it is to try to escape it. Is regret causing you pain or perpetuating it/an additional factor? Regret in itself could be turned around, though not easily. Best of luck, Scamp. I hope with all my heart that you have a pain-free existence someday.
Hi Trix, thanks 🙂
To answer your question. I think it could be answered as both. Certainly I regret in the first instance and that drags me down… this then perpetuates an ever encumbering feeling. Drowning in my own existence.
My regret follows me around like a ghost on my shoulder. It does feel indefinite and I get tired of looking at this ghost every day.
I appreciate feelings are not fact. I’ve done my share of therapy, I know I am suffering from depression… but I don’t know which came first. Depression or regret. All I can tell you is that I have had cold dark moments for most of my life.
I have a chronic illness too aside from depression… but I don’t even blame that. I’m pretty apathetic towards that. I can manage that… I was only sorry its not terminal.
I’m jealous of people who are happy. I am so alone and lost.
My thoughts of suicide are my only comfort
I wish I had access to this when I was in my 20’s – I honestly do think that this can help the younger people.
I’m one of the people here in their twenties, and this place is helpful – but for five or six years nothing has broken through my depression. Before that (regardless of suicidal thoughts) it wasn’t as bad, but I really think it’s one of the worst conditions to live with. I realise the younger you are, the more time you have, and that sounds like it should be a comfort. It isn’t as helpful when you don’t know if you can change. Whoever/wherever you are, if you feel alone and lost then I can relate to you. I think that’s the best part of this site – just to be a tiny bit less alone.
So alone Trix…
I appreciate you taking the time to respond to me.
you are a help…I feel positive for you. Only based on your activity here and your thoughtful comments
Depression is tough and unless you have it you cant understand it.
I can’t promise that I will make it. I have a date set but you should know that I appreciate you taking the time for me. It actually does mean something to me.
I cant offer you any advice in return… You seem wiser than me anyway. I know its easier to make a change in your 20’s than your 40’s… I think I am beaten but I honestly believe that there people that can help you make a change that you need to when you are younger.
Don’t worry about offering advice. I’d love it if things could improve in your life but I understand if you can’t or don’t want to persue life as it’s become. Whether it is the date or not, if you want to talk ’til then you know where I am. 🙂
Thanks Trix – I have a couple of weeks left.
We’ll see… you never know I had set a date before and something changed my mind.
Why are you here?
You dont seem like you are in danger and are just offering support to people?
No, I’m not in danger. If I had the brains to get a method together I might not be so sure. I have suicidal thoughts every day – some days are worse than others. In my better moments I don’t know whether I want to live or die. I found SP three years ago when I was much more ill, and became close to someone here. At some point we promised each other to try to stay away from the site because it was starting to indulge our suicidal thoughts, which we were trying hard to fight. I’ve been back since then, but the reason I’m here now is mainly because it’s not a taboo subject here. It’s a relief to be able to talk and read about it without hurting or scaring anyone. In the past year I’ve developed ME, quit long-distance learning, had to give up exercise (which was a huge relief from depression) and spent more time resting. Those things, along with the symptoms of ME, have made life more difficult. I don’t think I’m more depressed, but there are less ways to make it easier. It helps to connect to people a bit.
Yes… I know at the moment I am in a bad spot. Its no coincidence that I haven’t been to the gym for over a month… I had a couple of injuries and illness that has prevented me from going.
I know exercise is so important in dealing with depression. I’m so sorry to hear you have ME… that really is a tough call to deal with when you are battling depression
I have diabetes (type1) and often impacts my ability to train
It is a relief to talk to someone about suicide… right now its my only comfort. Thinking that, hoping that it will be all over. Its such a pity… I think life could be a great thing but I just have no joy in anything.
Thanks for chatting with me
Sorry about the diabetes and injuries. Depression really brings the effects of physical problems to a whole new level. I don’t think I miss anything more than exercise, although the thing I find hardest about ME is how it affects my brain. Half the time I can hardly understand what’s happening around me, and I find it almost impossible to learn or be creative. While I’m sitting/lying around in bed I’d love to be doing something useful with my mind, but usually I can hardly think. It’s quite distressing and really, really tedious. I prefer writing to talking because it gives me more time.
I also think life could be a great thing. I’ve heard of people overcoming ME and depression and I want to be one of them – usually I can convince myself that I could be. I try to focus on that rather than the suicidal thoughts, but it’s easier said than done – they seep in lots even in the better times. I’m trying to change what I can change and develop a better outlook on the world, but the depression is still there. That joy is something I don’t remember but I spend every day trying to make the possibility of it seem more real.
The diabetes is fine. It doesn’t bother me at all … Exercise is very good for rehab from depression. Though writing too can an excellent therapy… you know Trix you sound to me that you are on the right path to recovery. Suicidal ideation in general I think is actually normal. I read recently about the number of people who think about and how often. Its actually quite high…
but you sound that you are doing the right things. You are doing something very useful with your mind on this site btw very worthwhile.
I wonder if you are closer than you think to discovering happiness and well being
There is no course of anti-biotics for depression. I know its hard work but you have time on your side. I know you said this can actually be counter productive being young but believe me, I think a younger me would be able to fight what I have. I’m beaten right now
thanks again Trix – I really appreciate you takng the time to respond
I hope I’m on the right path. It’s not just suicidal thoughts, it’s – I don’t know if you experience it like this but I feel depression like a physical pain, even when I try to turn my thoughts around. It just hits me throughout the day. I know you and everyone else here understands how agonising it is. Anyway, thank you for everything you said. Oh, and do you do lots of writing? I’ve always loved writing, although I’ve done very, very little for a long time now.
What kinds of thing do you not have joy in? What about watching a really great movie does or even just listening to songs or comedy routines on youtube does that cheer you up?
Hi Tanyaaa
I have thown myself into movies as a way of catharsis… I do have some small respite watching them and comedy shows but its only a brief distraction.
I have favourite films and shows that I cant watch anymore – I cant concentrate and feel too anxious watching them
I could watch a great film but I always feel a huge comedown when I have to fall back into reality.
Thanks so much for your reply – I appreciate that
But the movie always ends, the picture fades to black
Fantasy takes its toll and you have to face the fact
You’re still a nobody going nowhere
You’ll never see that world
But the dreaming can’t be killed,
It goes on and on inside
Right there with you. Every major decision I’ve made this year has been wrong. Gotten to the point where I don’t trust anything I think or feel, including the desire to die.
I watch the news and see stories about people getting shot and killed, and I’m thinking how LUCKY they are! Is that sick or what?
its not sick.
Its a pity we feel this way
its such a shame. I cant see anyway our for me – I hope there is for 1bigzero
I feel exactly like you. And it’s hard to make people understand because it’s always like we are overreacting to something small when it’s not. There is so much pain for a bad decision made and there’s nothing I can’t do to change it back. Forever fuckd.
I feel there’s nothing but suffering in the future too and it’s all my fault. How can I stop feeling guilty? I can’t ever do this. There’s not a single minute of the day I forget this and not remember I could have a chance of being happy if only…
I love my mom so much and there are some people who still fight for me. I feel so much for them have to find my body as a mess with a gun shot wound in my mouth, but what I have it’s not even a pretending of life anymore. I hope my family, and God if there’s one, forgive me. Cause it’s nothing more I can do to hang in all this… There’s no place in world for me. I stay lying all day, sometimes I don’t eat or shower. I can’t do anything thinking of Killing my self every minute of the day. I feel nothing but I’m a weight others have to carry.
Can’t wait anymore. Can’t step back. I gotta be fearless. Have the courage to end this endless nightmare. Hope you all can find another way out and don’t have to do as I will. Good luck