Hi. Hopeful title I know.
So I’m a 21yo male with aspergers. I live with my mom, I can’t communicate, I have no friends, and I barely interact with my family. I do not want to feel happy, I want 100% with every fiber of my being to die. I’m not taking antidepressants because I figure if I’m sad all the time that will give me more of a motive to kill myself. I was on them for a while, and every time I tried to socialize I just got suicidal again. My dad is own antidepressants because I can’t hold a relationship with him.
You might ask “why would you say that?” My answer is that I am a shit person that has done some shit things. For four or five years, every chance I got I would go into females rooms when they’re not around, go through their clothes, take them, and wear them, in very weird ways. Look up pantyhose encasement, I did that. I can name at least 10 people that I did that to, 4 of which are in my family.
Also a year ago I facebook stalked this girl I had a crush on and sent her very strange, almost nonsensical messages under the alias of Pedro Behr, over the course of three years. What the fuck kind of perverted creeper does that shit? I feel so ashamed and guilty of myself, I feel like I deserve to suffer, and finally die, for all of those people who probably felt unsafe in their own rooms.
Like I said before I also have aspergers, or at least was diagnosed with it, and I pretty much fuck up everything I do. I can’t hold conversations, I’m passive as fuck, and I haven’t had a real relationship with anyone in years. Every time I try socializing I just fuck it up, hate myself even more, and lose the will to try again. I’m clumsy, incompetent, awkward, clueless, and disorganized, all of which I’ve been told. I’ve also been told, jokingly, that I might become a serial killer, but you don’t joke about that unless there’s some grain of truth to it.
So my entire life is pretty much just the stereotype of the nerd in his mom’s basement playing video games and never doing anything with his life.
I have been thinking about suicide for a long time now. I’ve never really attempted it. I’ve gotten close to hanging myself a few times, but I backed out of it and cried because I am a coward.
So I’m pretty much convinced that I am filth. I want to die, I want to do it peacefully, silently, and painlessly, and nothing you can say will change that. The only thing that would ever change it would be if I were to change as a person. But that probably isn’t going to happen because my brain is hardwired to be this way. I’ve tried to be a nice guy, I’m no longer as much of a creep as I was, but I still can’t socialize and never can get anything right.
The problem is I live with a parent who knows how suicidal I am. I was thinking about buying a helium tank for an exit bag, but who knows if she’ll be home when it comes or not. I’ll have some explaining to do if that happens. What do I do? I’m sorry for being such a dick to myself. The way I see it, I was a dick to others so someone has to do it to me.
3 comments
… “of your filth”. I don’t think there is anything that is so filthy. You have gone through some people’s belongings and have sent a couple of creepy messages. Not such a big deal as you imagine. There are so many, way way worse things to do. If you have stopped doing them, try to forget about them, you don’t need to suffer or pay a penalty or anything. Please stop thinking that way.
You don’t have to do anything with you life, if playing videogames make you happy, then be it. If it doesn’t, if you want to do other things and cannot do them because of your lifestyle, than that’s another issue.
So you are not that much of a creep as you say, so in a way you changed. Maybe a little bit but you have, so change can happen right? And you are only 21, you have so much time to change. Every little bit helps.
You should really get rid of the wrong idea that you are filth. So many people feel that way and so many of them are just regular nice guys feeling bad about themselves. You are not filth or a burden or unworthy or anything like that, please try to understand that.
This method, that method, they are so dangerous and they don’t work. How many times have I read sure-fire methods failing and people ending up in much worse conditions. Don’t even try it, I would have done it if there was a sure, painless, peaceful easy method.
Feel free to write back if you want to discuss, I hope I can then make you consider that you are not filth.
Your brain might be hardwired to act a certain, different way, but that doesn’t mean you won’t be able to do things.
You might not be able to completely change yourself but you can do things your own way.
I knew people who have some social issues (i’ve got my share of them too) and they’re handling things their own way just fine.
It’s tough at first and it might be a bother but you don’t have to force yourself anyway.
I’m a quiet person myself (and i’ve been told i could be a murderer too lol) but that doesn’t mean we can’t take part in these things.
You don’t always have to be the one to hold the conversation and i bet there’s a lot of people who prefer a listener rather than a massive talker.
You might have done a few things wrong but admitting you have is good.
It means you know and can prevent anything like that from happening in the future.
While i do relate with you on the ‘don’t want to be happy’ part, sadness might motivate part, and the social problems parts, i really think it’s possible for you to adapt your own way and to learn a few things that will help you manage socially or at least get along with some people.
Comrade! Currently, I’m sitting at work browsing the internet. The work day ended over an hour ago, but I’m lounging here because this girl I have a crush on is working late and, I’ll never be able to talk to her or get to know her, so lingering in the office is as good as it gets. It’s weird, but knowing that we’re the only ones in the office gives me some level of closeness to her (even though our cubicles aren’t that close). This is just the most recent pathetic thing I’m doing; I’ve got a whole history of it just like you. I dry humped my cousin when I was 10 or 11; she was 14 or 15. She flipped out on me immediately once she realized that our playfight had turned to dry humping. I was young but I still feel guilty because I kinda knew what I was doing. I’m 29 now but haven’t really changed much. I’ve used countless women for sex (I used to be really good at hooking up with girls online but now I can’t anymore) and then tossed them all away without much regard for their feelings. I regret that a lot. A lot of those women were awesome, but I was still too much of a douche.
I have some idea of how you feel. I’ve also got a bit of assburgers going on (I think, my mum never cared to get me checked out for anything), and it sucks being a walking garbage can on top of that. Difference between me and you though is that I want to destroy the world with my filth; I’d kill everyone else before I’d ever harm a hair on my own head. I do want to die but I’m a total coward in regards to pain, so the only alternative I see to killing myself is genocide of the rest of the human race. I’d love to wipe out all these stupid monkeys and let the rest of the animal kingdom reclaim the earth. I hate people and their grand expectations. Anyway, thanks for writing this post of yours. I feel slightly less alone.
BTW, I’ve been gaming hard these past few weeks (my interests in video games comes and goes). My Wii is tricked out with a bunch of emulators and I’m loving some of these gameboy advanced games. Heaven for me is smoking a bowl of weed, turning on some Hip-hop, and playing yu-gi-oh or a tacticts RPG and letting the day melt away. Create your own idea of heaven. Being out in the world and interacting with people is like scuba diving; eventually, you have to come out of the water for air. It helps to have a place to go where you can catch your breath for the next time you have to go under the sea.