I started a new job about a month ago. For as long as I hoped to get a position like it, now that I’m in the middle of it, being trained to do what I was hired to do, I feel like I’m falling apart inside. I’m a perfectionist and my training has been a real difficulty. Making so many mistakes and feeling so embarrassed and ashamed…My confidence is gone. I look around me and feel as if I don’t belong there. As if this is what everyone else is thinking but they just won’t come out and say it. I have great doubt that […]
There are a number of tasks I need to do today, but I lack the emotional drive for any of them. An exam. Work. What does any of it matter? What’s to stop me from ending it all? What are the moments I live for? Most of the moments in my life are all pretty boring since I spend them by myself anyway. I claim to have aspirations like traveling, maybe agriculture later on, and going to Japan (if only to visit Aokigahara), but when I think about it, none of these things really seem like they’d be that fun since I ‘d have no […]
As this site has semi functioned as a journal for me to track my depression, and as people were pretty curious about TMS when I posted about it, I have decided to post about my experience with TMS, as I am starting 6 weeks of treatment starting tomorrow.
I had to take two depression tests and go over the history of every psych med I had tried which wasn’t effective (hard to remember them all). This was to show the insurance two things, 1. I had major depression and 2. It is treatment resistent even after trying multiple anti depressants. The charge of this was […]
I just found an article about a 13 years old boy that died close to where I live. The article was sketchy and seemed to be leaving too much out but had no trouble describing the boys mother holding his life less body rocking back and forth in the ditch. At first I thought maybe he got hit by a car….but the article would have just said that, why leave that out? I thought more on it, the kid killed himself. I found another article that confirmed it. The whole article was deeply disturbing as it described how the kids on the school bus saw […]
I’ve just come back from a long late night walk [UK] on a Saturday night [weirdo uh?]. Just to try and beat the massive psychosomatic anxiety for a while. I am incredibly lonely, the only people I talk to are my aging parents. The world is a terrifying and unforgiving place for meek people like me. The isolation is slowly sending me insane. My parents know I’m deeply depressed but not that I crave death. I feel I live in a world full of happy people who will never understand or feel the pain people like me do so they will never understand or empathize. […]
My bed is warm and safe. I like to be in bed because then I can hide away from the world.
I can dream and do all the things in my dreams that are virtually impossible (at least at the moment) in real life.
My cat sleeps on me and comforts me. I can play my 3DS and get lost in computer game worlds.
Sometimes, I get anxious and scared if I’m not in bed. I feel guilty because I feel as if I am wasting my life. But I don’t get any pleasure in going out where I live. It reminds me too much of the horrible […]
Absurd v. Darkness
Appropriate v. Inappropriate
Complicated v. Un-complicated
Control v. Chaos
Destruct v. Construct
Employment v. Unemployment
Free Spirit v. Drone
Honesty v. Truth
Humour v. Vortex
Laughter v. Plug hole
Mask v. Non-mask
Open v. Closed
Serendipity v. Discipline
Survive v. Live
Vanilla v. Multiple Choice
…..‘they’d’ call this ‘cognitive dissonance’
Means is difficult to make decisions because you too busy thinking about a multiplicity of choices, all kinds of equations, at the same time
Nothing is a black white scenario
World too intricate
I live in a world of greys
We live in a world of greys
Is that a negative or positive?
I don’t know
Suspect that is the wrong question
I know I fucked up my last chance with her… Why she added me in the first place, both of us have no idea. Show me the question mark already instead of tormenting me with false hope! Does she really think I LIKE hurting people!? That I’m one of those psychopaths that get a kick from hurting others! Tch, if that’s the case, someone please explain to me why I feel like shit whenever I hurt someone, why I feel remorseful that I can’t feel empathy for others, why I know I will never forgive myself for throwing away the best thing to ever happen […]
I just want to die. I’m suffering so much. I don’t want to leave my family and my lovely little cat but I feel I have no alternative. My existence is empty, terrifying and degrading. I’m not talented, I now hate the way I look [Yes you pay for your vanity] and I’m not sociable. I don’t work, I live alone and don’t want to do anything at all but of course I have to kill the time somehow – the net, long walks, watching DVDs, visiting my parents – but it’s all just to survive another day – so I can do the same […]
House filled with people, Husband a big family…..but I’m fucking alone.
Physically, mentally, emotionally.
l alone no one to talk all ways surrounded by self centered with greater feeling then god kind of people . thats who I live now and I can’t get away from it no one cares. Im tired and really what to go home. just go home. Please some take me home please .
I’ve suffered from depression since I was a child and am now in my 30s. I’ve seen several therapists and tried every type of anti-depressant medication without relief. I discovered later in my life that a bulk of the type of depression I am ailed by is known as Existential Depression and usually does not respond to medication.
I came across Dr. Ivan Yalom who is an American existential psychiatrist. He wrote a book on Existential Psychotherapy and is currently practicing in San Francisco. I contacted him for help and a referral in Detroit as this is where I live. He was unable to refer me […]
I try I try I try
I want to die
I ask myself
The tears I cry remind me I don’t want to die
That is my fate. As a social misfit I live a hermit-like existence and that fcuks you up. They gave me Zoloft on Friday and guess what – within 2 hours of going to bed I was wide awake [and in a terror induced cold sweat at the thought of a long long empty day] When you are a deeply depressed deeply anxious hermit the last thing you need is more hours to kill. I already have serious trouble doing that. I expect to develop psychosis like so many other poor, socially isolated individuals. Suicidal depression is one thing, and I can kinda live with […]
My epic began in the very early hours of Tuesday, January 20th, 2015. My best friend of thirteen years made it 43 minutes into the twentieth day of January before she committed suicide. Journeying back a few months, she and I had a falling out due to her girlfriend. In short, her girlfriend would text me through her phone and convinced me not to be friends anymore. Through that year, I lost every other friend I had. I was dating a guy at the time for over two years but that fell apart. In the end, he told me her death was my fault and […]
I hate my cutting scars so much. I have really horrible ones of my wrist since I cut myself really deep, so deep that I cut really sick from blood loss and had to stay in bed for like two days and it keep re-opening even after a month. I don’t usually cut myself on my wrists, but I didn’t I was going to live long enough for it to matter. I also have many raised scars on my hips which are much easier to hide. Usually I cover the ones on my wrist with a bandage so that no one can see them and […]
Only way I could find the pics lol but they are so cool its a old psychiatric hospital in my country not too far from where I live my brother broke into when he was 15 and was really traumatized saying he could here the screams of the old patients O-O so I thought I should look this shit up. :3 the pics are really cool no not mine some photographers.
I’ve been suicidal for almost 21 years, since I was 20. I’m not feeling anything right now. I am hopeless. I live in a vacuum. I think about suicide because there’s no other solution that I can believe in, not that I believe in suicide either. I’ve posted before about my history, but I’m not sure what from it could have kept me from being where I am now.
I was hanging in the bathroom by my neck 20 min ago and my legs went numb. I wasnt strong enough, so I let my self down. I’m a 23 year old women and I’m in college. I am very alone. I don’t like to express myself emotionally because I tried it before but no one understood me. Sometimes I wonder if there’s anyone out there who feels like no one in the world understands you- who feels alone. I don’t know where to go or where to turn. I feel suffocate- stuck in a corner- always pretending everything is alright. But I’m tired and […]
Another day living in this disenchanted society. In society I am not enchanting. In society I have to live a certain way and look a certain way. I cannot fit into this category. I can barely live. I am turning insane. I want to drop out of this cruel life I live in vain.
I am extremely exhausted of being in this world. So much is asked of me. On the outside is nothing but me and I am nothing to me. I hate walking around pretending to be like everybody else. I hate the falseness. Society is one false sob. Every single person idolized is […]
“Latterly during the loneliness in which he found himself as he lay facing the back of the sofa, a loneliness in the midst of a populous town and surrounded by numerous acquaintances and relations but that yet could not have been more complete—either at the bottom of the sea or under the earth—during that terrible loneliness Ivan Ilyich had lived only in memories of the past. Pictures of his past rose before him one after another. They always began with what was nearest in time and then went back to what was most remote—to his childhood—and rested there.”
-Leo Tolstoy (The Death of Ivan Ilyich)
This exactly […]