I don’t really know what I’m doing posting on here, I guess I’m just tired of holding it all inside. I’m not even sure if I’m making this post correctly, or if I’m doing anything correctly at all. I guess I just couldn’t all this any longer.
I’m 19 years old and I’ve attempted suicide 4 times, once when I was 11 and 3 when I was 19. I want my next one, to be my last. I’ve been abused by my parents my whole life and when I moved all it turned into was abusive relationships, and people using me, but I was handling it. Then I met this guy who seemed like he was the only one who thought I was good enough, I told him all my greatest fears like that I’d never be good enough and my value would always be based on sex and that no one could ever love me. We hooked up for about 8 months until on my birthday he told that I’d never be good enough for him, that he only liked me for sex, and that he’d never love me. And after that he still tried to be my friend, but he got mad because all I’d ever talk about was hurting myself and he kept saying things like “he wanted to old me back”, but I don’t feel like me anymore. I feel like I’m already dead and my body just hasn’t caught up yet. And it’s not just over him, I was depressed before that but I was coping. I felt like I was broken before, like I was just pieces, but now I feel like nothing at all. I have suffered every abuse you can imagine, and have been treated cruelly by almost everyone I’ve ever met. When I wake up in the morning I picture all these things that have happened to me and they kill me over and over and over again and it never goes away. I can’t think of anything but killing myself anymore. People say it’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but your memories aren’t a temporary problem, they’re always there to torture. And I hate myself so much, I can’t stand to look into the mirror and I just imagine how disgusting other people think I am. I’m such a failure, I’m a terrible person, I’m so horrible that no one could ever love me. People tell me things will get better, but I don’t want it to be better, I just want it to be over because I stand to hurt anymore than I already do. I feel like there’s nothing in the world for me but killing myself. Even if it did get better my life is ruined because I have these horrible scars on my wrist and so everyone says I’ll never get a good job because of it and no one will ever love me because of it and I can’t just keep my arm covered for the rest of my life and my scars are too bad to heal on their own without surgery or expensive treatment I don’t have the money for. Everything either feel like nothing or it hurts. I guess, I’m just writing this because I wanted to be able to get this out before I ended everything because I’ve never told anyone this. Sorry, if I did this wrong, I don’t really know how this site works. Goodbye.
3 comments
Don’t say goodbye, you can stay here and share with us. Abuse is very hard to deal with, and I know that all those memories stick with you and come back to hit you again when you are feeling down. I haven’t been abused but I know it well enough to not to say it is a “temporary” problem. I’m sorry that you have met so many abusive people in your life, I hope you no longer meet anyone else like that. And I also understand you, I also don’t want temporary half-assed solutions to problems, I also want everything to be over, but this shouldn’t apply to everyone.
I strongly disagree with you hating yourself. I understand why you think like this, but I can assure you this is a byproduct of your past and it is not real. How do you define failure, being horrible or being a terrible person? Those things are very subjective and depends on other people’s views of you, in that case other people can …. off because you are the person who matters.
Failure? Why? Because you were bad at school and couldn’t find a good job or didn’t have any good relationships etc.? Well you don’t have to, those are just societies norms forced on you. And not everybody is lucky to get a chance in life, sometimes you try and fail, sometimes you don’t even get the chance. All those are normal and I don’t define it as failure. I don’t see much difference between a homeless person and the presidents and CEOs.
I know people with massive scars on their arms and good jobs. Some of them hid it, in other cases employers were okay with that. Those people I know range from computer scientists to clerks to hospital workers. You can find a way around that, it is possible.
Thank you. that’s probably the nicest thing anyone has ever told me. It’s just I think it’s what’s best for everyone. I believe I have failed because you need to build things in your life, but all I ever do is destroy things. People always say things like “you should just depend on yourself” or “all you need is yourself” but you need other people to survive and I don’t get to have anyone, because I’m not good enough for anyone. No matter how hard I work, no matter how much I care no one else ever cares and you think that if you give them everything that they’ll see how much you care and want to give it back to you, but they don’t, they just take what they want leave you all used up. That’s why I think I’m a failure and a horrible person, because no one could ever care about me in 19 years. My whole life I was told that I wasn’t a person and that I didn’t deserve to be treated like one and that people would always hate me and all I’ve seen is proof of that. I don’t have any friends, or any family so no one will be hurt. And it’s what that one guy wanted anyway, because I told him about being suicidal and that I didn’t know what I’d do if I wasn’t good enough for another person and all he did was throw everything back in my face and tell me I wasn’t good enough and I could never be loved, which is what I’ve been afraid of my whole life. I just think it’s better this way. Sorry, I know I talk a lot. Thank you, though.
I’m not one of those fake-positive people who just repeat cliches like “permanent solution to a temporary problem” or “just wait it will get better”. I just can tell you you are very young and the possibility of it getting better is higher than you think. You won’t be free of your problems, not everything will go away immediately, but at the end the rough times you will go through can be worth it. You can find a job, you can find a non-abusive really good person who loves you, you can have better friends and more income/success etc., all of those are possible if you hang in there and not say goodbye right now.