I’m sorry for who I am. I’m sorry that I can’t let anyone close without pushing them away and hurting them, I’m sorry that I can’t make new friends or act like a normal human being for once. I am sorry that this sadness keeps coming back around and hitting me in the face with a baseball bat. I’m sorry that nobody understands or cares too. I’m sorry I’m manipulative.
and finally, I’m sorry that I found this site, for my constant neurosis and self loathing coupled with sadistic, sociopathic-type behavior. What am I supposed to do? You don’t care to understand, Mom- Dad. You sit and you claim depression is demons chasing after us. You claim mental illness in its entirety is demonic. Why do you work with your mental patients and treat them with such respect and love and kindess then turn around on me if I began to spout out things? Like how I feel so violently empty and how the only thing stopping me from ending it all is the thought of letting my little bird grieve himself to death? He’d get over it. I know. Mom, you love him nearly as much as I do. He’d be yours.
But I’m still a loser and a coward. I’ve taken your drugs to feel high but I can’t bare to sit through the torture and seizures of a proper overdose.
I’m sick and tired of this life and world. I’m sick of being my own worst enemy. I’m sick of you labeling me, sister. I wouldn’t have came this far without you… I want to cut again. I want to tear old scars back open and watch them bleed because they make me feel alive. It’s been nearly two years since my last cut, and it’s been too long. Too long since I had a smoke and too long since I felt the release of some sort of escape.
I would change myself if I could, I really would. I would take myself and change so I wouldn’t feel the way I do. I would feel more for people, and less for myself. I would know how to speak and how to act properly. I’d get rid of my anxiety and depression and just.. everything. But I don’t want to at the same time. I’m scarred of being anything else than what I am. I’m scarred of anyone thinking i’m vulnerable.
Again, I’m sorry- family, that I don’t have the strength to take my life.
3 comments
I can relate to every word you said!
Balthazar, dealing with family members is never easy… My “parents” too said that demons were the reason why I had emotional problems. That made me sick and tired too and feel like I was unlovable and that I had to change who I was and everything about me. I understand you. You said you were sorry for finding this site… Well, I hope SP can be helpful in your life if you decide to stay for a while; rant, help others and hopefully be helped too. Wishing you the best.
We all have this problems.. my dad thinks that all the problem i have with my life is because of the demons .. they don’t want to blame them self for you, it’s your life you don’t need to be sorry about anything..