So everyday is a complete blur. It doesn’t feel like I’m living, it just feels like I’m enduring. I can’t get anything right. I have the help I need like counsellors and medication but it doesn’t make any difference. My dad and his gf think I should just fake a smile and slowly accept it as it will brighten up my day. No, because I always get the gut feeling that I’m not allowed to be happy. Not with funny incidents, not jokes, not happy with myself. Just not happy in general. I can’t be. Every time I am I seem to fuck something up or something bad happens.
I don’t know what to do with my life. If it suddenly ended, I wouldn’t be sorry that it did. I wouldn’t feel anything. Which is what I want. Some people just weren’t meant to be born and I’m one of them. I can’t persevere, I have no motivation to do anything. Quite soon, I think I might lose my mind. More than I have already. I’ve been diagnosed with depression but I don’t feel like I deserve the title, I don’t deserve anything.
4 comments
I can relate so so much.
In my opinion a human doesn’t need a divine purpose in order to live because:
a)life itself is meaningless, it’s you who gives it a meaning
b) there is no such thing like destiny, so everything happens randomly.
The medication and what not only open the door, you have to walk through it.
I feel exactly the same.