I don’t know why I came here and decided to do this after all this time. Maybe I have just reached that point of desperation where I am looking for anything to make myself feel better.
It’s probably gonna be a long one, so don’t feel the need to read, this is just me venting.
I have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. I just cannot remember any point in my life where I was genuinely happy. I remember at about 8 years of age I used to come home from school and spend the rest of the evening alone, crying. I never felt like I deserved to be here. Despite being 1 of 6 children, I have always been a loner and preferred being alone. I developed social anxiety very early on and was always considered ‘the shy, quiet one’. I’m not even that shy, I just never feel like I have anything to say that’s worth saying out loud. So here I am, at 25 years old writing this crap on some random internet forum. I should have grown out of all this by now, I know that. I’m a mother. I have a beautiful 7 year old son who is literally the only reason I am still alive and has brought me back from the brink on countless occasions. Don’t get me wrong, being a mum is hard, hard work. I find it is filled with the most intense and crippling feelings of guilt, about even the tiniest of decisions. But either way I couldn’t and would never want to live without the kid. I have a boyfriend too, although he’s not my son’s father. I’ve been with him for almost 4 years now. It’s what you’d probably call a toxic relationship, I’m fully aware of that. It started out as a one night stand that continues to be mostly about sex. The thing is, he is the only person I’ve ever met that can calm my thoughts down when I’m with him. When I’m with him it’s like my whole mind switches off and it’s an addictive feeling to be numb when the rest of the time I am plagued with anxiety and depression. I don’t live with him yet, I live with my mum at the minute, who is disabled and I care for her when she is unable to do it herself. She’s harder work than my son and my boyfriend put together. We argue a LOT so I tend to keep out of her way as much as possible. Also I’m training to be a paediatric nurse. I start my third and final year in less than 2 weeks which I am pretty much crapping myself about. The whole training is a major source of crippling anxiety to be honest with you. A lot of the time I lose sight of why I’m doing it and constantly want to give up.
So, at this point I’m asking myself WHY do I feel so often that I don’t want to be in the world anymore? Why do I feel so pointless, so pathetic and ridiculous and unwanted and above all unlovable? So disgusting. Why am I so unbearably unhappy all the time? Why, even at my best I am thinking about suicide at least once a week, and at my worst at least once an hour? I haven’t actively tried to commit suicide for about 5 years but the thought of it is always there.
I have a number of ‘conditions’ which I guess contribute to why I feel the way I do. Mostly borderline personality disorder. I also have generalised anxiety disorder, social anxiety, misophonia, and depression. I’ve been on all sorts of different medications (most of the antidepressants available on the NHS, as well as beta-blockers) and I’ve done talking therapies since I was 14. Obviously they haven’t done much good. Meds tend to make me feel 100% worse, and I find that my social anxiety prevents me from opening up properly in therapy. Plus using the phone to make appointments is something that gives me panic attacks so I avoid it. So right now I’m not on any meds or in any therapy. I guess I’m trying to use this as a bit of therapy for me. Maybe if I start writing stuff down it will get it out of me. Maybe. Hopefully. It’s quite exhausting thinking about it in a way that you can write it down so that other people understand.
Anyway, that was just a bit of background stuff, I suppose. Maybe I’ll be back tomorrow.
9 comments
Hi laddertothestars. I hope you keep writing here. I find writing much easier and more beneficial than talking to people about my problems (I have anxiety too), so I hope you find it helpful too. 🙂 You described it really well but people here will understand on another level to others, because they’re going through it as well.
I’ve been on beta blockers and a load of antidepressants too and found none of them helpful. I’ve heard of stronger medications other people have been given for anxiety. Have you ever tried anything else for it? The doctors I’ve seen seemed to think that talking therapies were better, and I can see them being more effective long term but sometimes you need something to help you out in the beginning.
Wow! I’m so impressed with what you have accomplished with all that you have to deal with!
I’ve tried the meds and tradtional therapies too – it’s all crap. I’ve recently tried ayahausca and think there might be something there…unfortunately it’s insanely hard work and quite expensive. Let me know if you’re interested in learning more.
Thank you both for your lovely comments.
Trix, I’ve been offered stronger medications but I’m very wary of them since I tend to get quite bad side effects and they affect me when I’m in work (I do work placements in the children’s hospital
Sorry, posted before I’d finished!
With regards to talking therapies, I’ve found it ridiculously hard to get appointments on the NHS and at the minute I can’t afford private. I had CBT for quite a long time, but as I said before I don’t ever open up properly and tend to downplay everything and I end up feeling worse afterwards.
Badcat, I’ve never heard of ayahausca but yes I’m interested- thanks.
Ah, I can understand that. I don’t know about you but I find it particularly painful talking to a professional. It always feels too formal and unnatural.
Yep, couldn’t agree more, Trix. It’s so uncomfortable. They tried to make me do group ones too, which is just…. no.
Ayahausca is a plant medicine from Peru. It’s not legal in most countries, but the ceremonies are still held. You need to make sure that it’s done with a real genuine shaman that is a master of his medicine.
Here’s my interpretation of what it does: The medicine allows you access to parts of your brain that you don’t have access to when “sober”. It takes you “through” your issues (this is what I meant by insanely hard) and why you need a master of the medicine. Everybody’s experience is different. Some people get visions (not hallucinations), some get physical symptoms and some just get feelings, or a combination (and probably other things that I don’t know about as well). I got the physical and emotional – no real clear thoughts or memories. It’s done in a ceremony with others, but there is no talking. If anything becomes too much the shaman is there to bring your energy levels back to a place where you can cope. Besides a little buzz you have control and you don’t have to go anywhere (in your head) that you can’t handle. I say it’s a lot of work, but you mainly just have to let the medicine do it’s thing and take you for the ride. I will do a post of my experience.
You can google ayahausca to get other people’s views and better explanations.
Badcat, you’re completely right. A few weeks ago a friend from college tried the tea for the first time. Ayahuasca is legal and pretty cheap here where I am (Brazil), but I’m a bit afraid of the whole ceremony and stuff… They said you have to be mentally prepared for it, so I decided to wait a few months, but I’m going to try it when I feel ready.
This definitely sounds like something I’d like to try, but I think like Tristeza has said, I’d have to build myself up to be mentally prepared for it. Maybe after I’ve finished nursing school I can head over to Brazil and have a go.