lol

I can relate to that easily. I believe many people if not most of them, as you said, just “exist” because there isn’t any other good option. Well, if you don’t have a reason to kill yourself, you just go with the flow. It is like going to the cinema, “oh well I paid for it and it is not that bad, so lets just sit through it”. Most of us just busy ourselves with daily issues anyways, need to do that need to take care of that, so, you don’t remember that it is not that all meaningful. So far in my 30 years of life I have seen just few people who truly enjoy life, most are either content, unhappy or simply existing. And if you are simply existing, as I believe you are, with no to very little joy or happiness in your life, sure, everything seems pointless. So you are not alone in feeling like this, many people do including me.

Loneliness is another very strong element in inducing negative feelings. Whatever negative you are experiencing is a lot harder to deal with when you are lonely.

On happiness, I’m exactly like you. I can find things to be happy, I could enjoy things more, but I don’t allow myself to. Because I know it doesn’t last long, for every good thing in this life, there is terrible thing which can replace it later. When I’m happy, I’m always finding a bad thing that can happen in the future and then worry about it. I don’t think that is a smart thing to do, but I think that is just the state of mind we are in at the moment.

I know my post is quite negative, this is not to make you feel worse, just to show that I understand and feel pretty much the same.