Lately I’ve been asking myself one question. What’s the point of everything I’m doing?
Why am I trying?
Who really even care’s what happens to me?
See I’m a single mom of two. I have a two year old and a four year old. An ex who doesn’t give two flying chicken nuggets about them and a family that more or less feels like they despise me lately. I can’t get over no matter how hard I try people still seem to hate me for some reason. I screwed up and called a close friend a friend today and he got upset because he was hoping for the boyfriend title. How am I suppose to know? People seem to make a point of sending mix signals. “Oh i’m glad your doing so well. But your still useless.”
How am I suppose to understand this? I don’t know what i’m doing anymore. I wake up, clean, cook, get my baby brother on the bus and then hang around the house like some sort of trapped ghost. I feel more dead inside day by day then alive and not a soul seems to notice. If I say something I’m a whiner. If I don’t i’m a bottler. How can I say what’s wrong and not get judged or not say a word and get judged. I feel like I can’t breath.
Just last night my brother called me a **** faced ***** all because I was using my moms phone to play a game. He sent her a text saving how he can’t trust me around his daughter. I’m useless, I don’t do anything. The rant went on and on. So he accused me of snooping. He should of asked if she had to phone before sending the text but what does it matter?
So here I am… Lately I’ve been measuring my worth with a teaspoon and it hasn’t gotten any easier. I’m struggling with my families disappointment and disproval. So called friends who say one thing and expect another. Two kids who have energy levels of a rabbit on crack. Then there’s me… I don’t want to get up anymore. I don’t want to move. I don’t even feel like eating these days. I’ve been crying a lot but not just from feeling like i’m smaller then a flea but from stress, exhaustion, high expectations. I don’t understand what i’m doing wrong and if I knew i’d fix it but no one is giving me a chance or telling me… It’s expectation after expectation. I’m twenty-two. I don’t have a license because I was born in Italy and the damn town I live in won’t accept my birth certificate. I can’t go to college because the state I live in refuses to acknowledge my homeschoolers diploma. I can’t get a job because of the first two. I’m at the end of my rope and my life is going no where. I’ve been thinking more and more lately how giving up would let it all melt away. To just not wake up anymore would be so much better the facing another day of this hell…
5 comments
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your family sounds very unsupportive and that’s what you need – support. I care what happens to you, because you sound like a good person and you’re suffering. I can hear all the pain in your post. My heart goes out to you. I’ve been here in the past and now I’m a little better. If you want a friend to listen, I’m here. There are many other people here who will listen and try to help in any way they can. You might feel alone and unloved, but here you’re neither.
I thank you for the offer and the support.
We care. People you know probably care. People in your town you don’t even know probably care.
Having a mountain of problems shuts you down. Remember being a kid and feeling like you would never get your room clean because there was just too much to do? Life is like that.
Idiots, haters, and people that aren’t supportive are going to continue to be asses. Exercise your empathy bone but get away from them if you can.
Your local legal aid clinic can help you straighten out your birth certificate issues. Google is your friend, at least that’s what the chip they implanted in my head tells me.
Your brother is apparently still a baby in diapers because adults don’t say such shitty things. He’s obviously paranoid about something being revealed. Hope for the day he learns not to use emotionally charged accusatory firms of address. Learn to repeat the phrase “this is not helpful.” Don’t buy into family arguments.
Your friend-not-boyfriend is in a difficult place, too. He really likes you because you are a good person but he’s playing an old game called unrequited love that most of us learn to get over when we are 18. Say no firmly and give him doggie treat. If he doesn’t shit on the carpet you might want to keep him around.
Why keep living? Because your kids will be at the mercy of their biological father. Because you don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Because death is permanent and the only reliable accounts we have of what comes after are over 2000 years old and for all we know the management has changed. 😉
If ranting here helps then by all means do so. My suggestions may not be helpful, as others. If you want the Only Helpful Suggestions version of the Suicide Project you have to pay $19.95 a month. Frankly, I don’t think it’s worth it.
You are not alone in this. Reading other people’s posts can be very therapeutic!
Peace be with you.
Thank you for the advice, support, and the small giggle you’ve given me. I needed that.
Man..your family are jerks