This site has been helping me so much. Thank you all again. I don’t want I’m trying to say in this post. I just want to post. I’m finding writing difficult today, so it might not make much sense.
I feel like I’m breaking. I don’t want to keep saying the same things over and over. Things are just worse right now. Depression is agony. Any coping tips you use, relaxation videos, $10,000 treatment programs you’re selling, etc, would be greatly appreciated. I’m still practicing meditation and it’s been helping more and more, but these past few days have been so painful. Any addition to what I’m already doing would help. I have ideas, but I don’t really have the drive to research them or put them into action. If anyone has suggestions, it might kick me into action.
Today I feel completely disconnected to the people here and the people around me. Every time I feel this crippling loneliness and emptiness again, it’s like I’ve never felt it before. It’s like something ripping me in two.
I’ve caused so much damage to myself in the last few years. Sometimes I wish I could go back. Other times I just want to go forward.
I thought about ringing a suicide hotline today. My anxiety is awful when I talk to strangers on the phone, so I don’t think I ever would have. I thought about emailing Samaritans, but I remember the times I did that years ago… each time I sort of ran out of things to say eventually, and they couldn’t give advice… just understanding. Waiting for the email was enough to live for another day and at the time it helped just to have someone know how ill I felt, but after that it was quite quickly back to where I was before.
Depression is skewing with my mind. Today I keep thinking, even if I did recover from depression and ME, I’d be empty. I’m friendless, single. A day ago I gave up the person I used to turn to whenever I was happy or sad. I know this time that even if I talk to him again, we won’t be together. I don’t really have a life outside the house. I keep thinking I’d have nothing to do. I wouldn’t belong here. It’s ridiculous. There are countless things that I could do and learn to enjoy again. I need to keep practicing turning the thoughts around, trying to be present, but I’m so faded and empty that a large part of me doesn’t want to make the effort. I feel so drained already.
Is there anything that helps you feel less disconnected from the world around you? I can’t bear that part of depression. It’s been bothering me more than the pain today. When it gets worse you suddenly feel more alone and hopeless than you could have ever imagined. The things you’re holding on for can disappear in a flash.
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Well, my way of coping with it, and definitely not a healthy way of coping is basically internet. I tried other things like sports, walks etc. etc. etc. but they make me feel even worse. I think about my problems every time whenever my brain is not completely engaged with something else. And pretty much only internet can do that, watch this listen to that chat with people write something play games so on and so forth. And I don’t need to concentrate on a single thing for a long time (which I can’t when I’m feeling bad). I’m pretty sure I’m addicted. Couple of days without internet when I’m anxious/very depressed? Been there, definitely don’t want that again.
Why am I writing this when I don’t have anything good to offer you? I don’t even know now, usually I feel the need to justify when littering other people’s posts or doing something that is useless, but yeah …. it today.
Don’t worry about it, I’m really glad you commented. I used to do the same thing. I can’t engage myself with other activities in the way I used to, but even when I could it wasn’t enough. I’m looking mainly at psychological techniques now. They’ve been helping. Meditation was awful when I started it, because there is nothing at all distracting you from your mind… but it’s getting better and I’ve seen changes from it. I need to do it more often. I need to make more changes throughout the day. That shouldn’t be too difficult, but right now it seems on the edge of impossible.
Have you ever tried blahtherapy . com ? You can chat free with strangers there (or pay for therapists if you’re so inclined). If you don’t like who you’re speaking with, just disconnect from the convo and search again. If you ever just want to talk with someone you don’t know, it might help, or you can take on the “free therapist” role yourself as a “Listener” and try to give assistance to people.
That’s interesting. Thanks, I’ll look it up.
There is also a website called 7cupsoftea if you are considering the chatting option. I didn’t mention it because I didn’t think it would be useful. You are basically talking to random strangers but some of them can be genuinely caring and trying to help.
In psych class the teacher gave us a list of websites to look at and discuss with the topic of can our brain control pain management, and one of the sites was link-http://www.aarp.org/health/alternative-medicine/info-11-2008/drug_free_remedies_chronic_pain.html I dunno if there’s anything that can help you but there’s a list at the bottom of treatments for different stuff, you’ve probably already done research on things that could help you for your pain but I saw it and thought of you…
On the depression side, I got nothing but music, there’s classical pieces I just sit and focus on and follow the different instruments, but that’s about it…
I wish I could be helpful 🙁
Music, art, videogames, anime, japanese movies. Those take up most of my “awake” time. I do feel disconnected from everyone and everything pretty often anyways, and the only thing that has helped me with that is coming to terms with the fact that i am connected to everything, but that connection don’t have ties (i don’t know if that makes any sense). As in, i’m part of everything, but i’m my own thing at the same time, detached physically, yet spiritually bound.
That made no freaking sense, lol, but a creative outlet might benefit you, or another form of interaction with people that isn’t so segmented as sp. A chat like some mentioned above might help.
I wholeheartedly agree with this statement… This is so relatable to me a lot of the time.
Sorry I haven’t answered everyone individually – finding it hard to write right now. The suicidal thoughts are quite extreme… Kind of shaky and I’m having trouble stringing a sentence together. But I’m taking in everything you said, and checked out one couple of the sites. Tomorrow I’ll look into it further. Thank you so much to everyone who commented. It’s deeply appreciated. X
Sorry Trix. Sending you hugs, love, and pandas.
Thanks, lovely.
Don’t worry about the type of person you would be without the depression etc. It will only depress you further to think about what life would consist of if you were “normal.” And if this website holds any sort of meaning, it means that you have friends. All of these wonderful people that have commented on this post? Your friends. All the people that have posted on your previous posts? Your friends! And I agree with what every one said in above comments…Find those little things you love, and hold onto those little buggers. You deserve to live; to feel what it is like to be connected to every one. We will all be here for you, for every step of your journey to success. You want to know why I know your journey will be successful? Because you have people who love you, and you are one of the strongest people I know. Hold on, love 🙂
Thanks, hon. Usually I feel exactly like that here, but today I just felt alone. Honestly, it’s nothing like the way I usually feel… which is why it affected me so badly. Thank you for the reminder. It’s the best thing you could possibly give me today. I appreciate it so much, I really do. I hope you’re doing okay.
I think we all go through days in which life is just too damn unforgiving- to the point that we must recede into our selves in the hopes of saving what little we have left. Just remember that we are here, waiting in the wings. Rest for now, love. Take a Deep Breath (heh heh) and rest your soul, for you will always have a better tomorrow to look forward to 🙂
Thank you. I hope so.
<3