Today I just watched and wondered why I had to wake up. Why get up? Good god, just another one of these days. I realized the normalcy in my life just kind of went away.
I just feel like hell, trying my best in all my work but I just can’t seem to get the grip or get that motivation back. Everything still just seems to kind of died out. things just seem so gray, I can’t find the color in my life like when I was a kid. I realized one of the sources of my problems though. Its that I’ve associated normal behavior and attitude with pain. In the sense that life is usually looked as a struggle until things get better, But I’ve associated and looked at life AS pain. As in that is all it is. When I don’t have any kind of sadness or stress or angst, I feel something feels wrong you know? I don’t know. Anyone else feel this way too?
Just it’s kind of eating me up, I know its taking its toll on me mentally and physically again. As much as I really hate to admit it. I really do look forward to death. It just seem a liberation from these things, as I’m sure it does for others as well. But I know that there’s no satisfaction in it, so I just kind of feel trapped again.
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“I just feel like hell, trying my best in all my work but I just can’t seem to get the grip or get that motivation back. Everything still just seems to kind of died out. things just seem so gray, I can’t find the color in my life”
Yes, I can relate.
I feel that way too. I’m used to it and trying to change it, but it’s not really happened yet. I don’t think it’s so much that I’m expecting it to be pain though – I’ve just managed to sink to that permanent state where this is all there is. It was a long time ago when I realised that struggling and hoping it would get better wasn’t working anymore – in fact, it was getting much worse than I thought it could. It was a long time later that I thought I was actually able to do something about it. It definitely doesn’t help to believe it isn’t something you can control.
Normalcy is an illusion, a trap, an impossible goal, and a terrible tasting desert topping.